Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Stealth III

Stealth III

I've discussed with several Post-Op transsexuals all the elements involved in becoming stealth after the physical & legal changes are complete. Finally their psyche, body and soul are synchronized and there is nothing to halt them from living as they felt they should have been born. Most I have talked to want to be stealth in terms of never having to disclose their past. They want to engage in a relationship in which everything goes pretty much as if they were born in a female body. Therefore, they seek for a relationship with a man. Naturally a few prefer to relate to a woman & in my view that offers better possibilities. A relationship with a man differs. Pregnancy is one factor as most men would like to have a child with the woman they love. Then she must disclose the reasons why she cannot bear a child or make a believable story, not a good scenario.

From Wikipedia: Deception is the act of convincing another to believe information that is not true.

Deception involves concepts like propaganda, distraction and concealment. Fiction, while sometimes manipulative, is not a deception unless it is portrayed as the whole truth; not to be confused with half-truths.

Read incognito as well.

Anyone that discovers their partner’s secret is not going to react positively. The consequences will vary, depending in several factors that I will not fully cover here, but the principle is that trust has been betrayed. Without trust it is impossible to resume in a loving/nurturing relationship. I believe in the possibility that after a long and nurturing relationship, compassion and forgiveness may be applied. However, this is mostly due to the ability of the person to forgive and get in touch with the depth of their feelings with whom they love. However physical and mental anguish are the alternate possibility as there are more homophobic men than those in touch with compassion. Those men will act accordingly to their level of education, ability to open their mind, religious background, & social status.

Is the potential danger worth it? In my view, no, it is not by any means. There is no way such facts can be hidden 100%. A few have told me that they will volunteer to reveal their secret once they are convinced their potential partner is truly interested in a steady/long lasting relationship. Not wise as well, in my view.

A few others have told me to be able to disclose their past right up front when they see the need for. That is not stealth. So what is it for them? It is no more than removing themselves for the XG world and it's members. I already mentioned (blogII) the reasons many had shared with me. I can sympathize with them, but here I go again with the same drumming it is not going to take care of the problem. It can help to deal with the symptoms but the disease is left untouched.

We have no other option but to take care of the disease. But why me? Well, that is if we really want to make ourselves free. Who knows? Possibly there will be a day in which science, society, religion, moral views may accept the fact this is not the result of a gone wrong ability to cope with life as we received it. It is something that naturally happens and we, the owners of such had no choice but to face it, deal with it and honor it. Then we may be understood, accepted and supported. A change that will be extremely hard to achieve not only due to lack of an open mind, but serious financial issues such as the insurance companies having to pay for the procedures required. I want to emphasize that the problem is not exclusive of insurance companies, but the medical industry as a whole. However, if such mentality would be changed the cost of many of those procedures would be easily removed or modified for the better. Early transitioning could take place and that would make the whole process better, faster and cheaper.

We need to be out under the sun and show everyone who we are and let them see that we are not a small number. No matter how we identify under the transgender umbrella, all XG people can have a positive influence on our future. We can all participate in the building of our society by providing the kinds of services/goods we choose as our means to living, we pay taxes, we vote, we affect our immediate environment with our presence and as well, we are a very important element to our global environment. Not taking care of our world problems cost twice as much while wasting valuable resources. But if we would actively participate, at least we are given a chance. There are many rotten apples that will not be changed, but we can do as much as we can to make sure no more of those apples sprout from our gardens! All that is only possible if we come out, become visible with our own and truthful realities and voice ourselves.

There have been historical characters in our world that changed forever the way we deal with and look at everything! Who's to say you cannot be one? That is exactly the premise that produced changes in our history & they were not stealth by any means. Possibly many pay a high price to it, but aren't we all paying as much? Yes, we are, whether XG or not. We can ripple our appreciation towards life and others as we become active in the formation of our future. If you know or feel that you will not be the direct benefactor of such, at least you can take the satisfaction of knowing you can make it possible for the new generations to come even if we don't get the benefit of seeing it!

Please think about it and take any kind of action you can. Staying invisible to the radar doesn't do anything for you at all, to the contrary you have to disguise yourself like something you are not and after you've trying to disguise yourself as what you truly are, why to go back to the same by simply going to other side of the extreme? Think about it.

I want to thank Alexis for condensing/proofing my 3 Stealth blogs. W/o her help this task would be the same. Thank you Sweetheart!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Holidays

Okay, some silliness for the holidays. ElfYouself!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Stealth II

Stealth?... II

Last week I began to explain my views about the elements involved with perspectives about the transgender mindset and going stealth, but due to space I wasn't able to cover a lot of things. Among the principal reasons to aspire to achieve such invisible state is a parting of ways with things in Transgendered World. Many XG people find a tremendous impact when discovering they are not alone as there are thousands of people around the globe that face the syndromes of being out of the gender identification mainstream box.

History started to change for all of us in the early 90s as the internet was a true breakthrough that provided a resource for the transgender population as well as the general viewing public, courageous XG people had a portal in expression, achievements, goals, history, sufferings and pictures. Our once tiny world started growing while providing an illusionary feel of belonging & state of normalcy.

There was however negative connotations that were brought to our world such as pornography, an invasion of She-Male sites sprouted making as much money as the straight porno businesses. The video industry added a new layer into their many money making machines and the she-males layer became a new sexual icon. Many XG people followed such movement by becoming consumers of such products and many others became a sort of participants by presenting themselves in such fashion. Some of the transgender groups at Yahoo, MSN and other places allowed many of us to voice our thoughts and opinions that brought momentum to our lives. However, most of those groups became a sleazy place to present many of the people in our world. Those groups became a private way to expose themselves in rather sexual manner and as well, to connect in a sexual way with others.

Other transgender resources and venues became known and many girls ventured into joining others, allowing themselves a little more than the picture time at home. People were meeting people and associations of all sorts were made from developing friendships on line, attending venues and even in their secrecy, had the opportunity to create a world that would resemble reality. The opportunities that a person didn't have before the net now were possible.

Many of us developed a public pride of being who we are. We openly presented ourselves to the world and began accepting our duality in a binary world. However, after time, maybe a long time, we as well started to get in touch with "how such reality works". Relating to other TGs became redundant to many and the ones that started maturing past the online world felt differently with emphasis on their futures, we started to take action in our selves and gradually became comfortable with most of it. Not that everyone comes out, but many after finding venues where they could live their XG essence, found satisfaction in their newfound presence with the occasional outing, going to a club, shopping, a convention became a tremendous opportunity that didn't exist before and now it was possible in a safe environment, company of other like minded individuals, more importantly away from being exposed to ones family or work. A partial reality that still suffices for many and I wouldn't be where I am today w/o any of these instances happening. It has allowed me a way to express myself in the public eye, relate to others, spend substantial time in femme, provided me the continuum I needed to connect all the dots I needed to figure how repressed I was for many years, if not most of my life.

Yet, many things started to become old, silly, unreliable and at times simply wrong. Since I was in a new place within, I experienced no need to be a part of the world that allowed me to achieve my new state. In fact, I started to experience a lot of resentment towards such world and started feeling the as if I did not belong to the world that made possible for me to arrive to where I am today. I've thought of becoming stealth because of this. I have learned who I am within and who I align with and it is not someone that feels erotically enticed by gender achievements as I've grown so much in within!

During my discoveries of XG people on the net & world, I often became outraged seeing that many sisters would despise others because they were different. I always expressed my voice w/o realizing that I was creating a gap between the groups and started understanding the effects of such. Not that I consented of such a split, but labels started making sense though there are so many categories under the transgender umbrella such as transsexual, intersex, cross-dressers and the list goes on. However being exposed to all those, getting involved started to become a conflict of interest and a good reason to start considering a stealth life. After all, my deepest desire has always been to live a life I chose and this time was to live it as a woman. Not just enjoying a few sporadic times as one.

A separation from the transgender community felt mandatory by the difference in ideals and goals for those who wish to live full time. The true fact is that I embrace my duality very well, but I decided to give it a go after I've lived my life as a male for the first half of my life. Late blooming or not, I decided to endeavor openly my desire to feel everything as the woman only I can be. I will not be able to achieve such, for as long as I remain as XG woman. Therefore I feel a need to remove all traces of my past, connections and associations to be able to fulfill my life as a woman in the mainstream world and I am not referring about the boxed mainstream world noted above. All those sexually explicit profiles on line do tremendous damage to our XG world and do not want to be confused or placed among them. What's the difference? My XG quality doesn't include or accept to be placed among, naughty, juvenile, hostile, unreliable, closeted or a shameful and guilty deviant. We are not deviants, but we've moved far away from the boxed mainstream thinking and need to get out of the shadow of ignorance.

I am fully aware that doing so is a humongous task that may bring extremely painful repercussions. Therefore it is much better for me to live in a secured secrecy and point the finger to the ones that had the courage to move on with their life and not just exclusively as a XG person, but as a human being. That is the main reason people like me, perhaps you, find to become Stealth. We need to remove ourselves, hide from our own brothers and sisters. For as long as we don't find the comfort needed in our environment, we need to become like anyone else. To become a part of the homogenized world that doesn't allow us to be who we are w/o their approval, consent and support.

I've been accused of not being in touch with reality but whose reality is it? The only reality pondering my door here is that I am a transgender woman! It is my choice to lead the life I choose whether or not it is right or wrong in the eyes of another. It is not a matter of becoming public again and put the bulls-eye target on our chest. We can resume life as we knew it before but embracing our TRUE ESSENCE and SELF and when we are needed, we can provide the needed support that once we received from others.

Being XG person is not an easy life, we all know that. In fact it can become rather painful and we risk so much dealing with the issues openly, so we delve to a new point of beginning. We start by taking baby steps and at some point we are somewhere out of the closet filing back into the mainstream. Not hiding from others and more importantly, the people that really matter in our lives, the love of our families, friends and sisters. Why not sit down for a while and establish a dialog with your inner self to figure out what is needed to change your life? The kind of life you want and maybe deserve? Feeling those strong tones of your female core, you're more in tune with all there is in within, right? You're more loving, spontaneous, caring, compassionate, supportive, etc. You're complete, right? So why to remove yourself from the ranks of what provided you the clue and courage to become who you are? Why go to a new level of secrecy? Even if you think that to be possible, it is not. It is a false sense or reality. You're still holing a BIG secret! What once you were. You will never stop being who you were and if you try, really try, that would be another obstacle in your life that will render you unhappy, incomplete and you will have to guard for as long as you're alive.

Note: I receive quite a bit of personal notes about my blog. I am very thankful to you for those, but it defeats the purpose of expressing my views in a public manner if you don't do the same. Even if your view/experience is contrary to mine, make your self be heard! For as long as you use good language and sense, we want to know anything my blogs bring into your self. It will be very appreciated by all of us.

Will continue...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Your friendship.

After digging through tons of CDs, floppies, Dat tapes, etc, I finally found one of the many poems I've written a few years ago to my feminine side. Something I did for about 10 years and very far from the place I am today.

I had no idea I would be getting to the place I live in today! Yet, after reading this one, no wonder.

This is more than a poem, a letter I wrote to myself in the same fashion I used on my poetry. It looks like I am writing to someone else. Actually, I was. I was addressing my feelings to that unsupported, no comprehended and vital part of myself. In the same fashion we refer to her, when we are her and to him, when we are him, I wrote from one to the other one.

To me such process is exactly the same when I write a letter to someone I can't really stell what I have to say. I write the letter, never send it and burn it as a ceremonial letting go of the person or the issue.

Again, when I wrote all those, I had no idea that one day I would really mean what I felt. I would allow my feminine to become physical, real and live with me, myself.

Although I still am short of fully delivering my sentiment, my feelings about my duality are as strong as they were before. I only wish to be back to writing to myself again and when I do it, I will be happy to share it with you.

Maybe my writing is not that powerful or clear, but my feelings are and I dearly love them.

If you wish to copy this, please send me a note to request my permission.

Thanks and enjoy!



March 29, 1996. Los Angeles, California

This is a short letter to share with you what you and your friendship mean to me. From all the people I’ve met, you are the one I feel deserves the words that come out of my actions and feelings when you are present. This is the most difficult thing for me to do, since my actions come out of my heart spontaneously, without request or hesitation. Putting my feelings and thoughts onto a piece of paper demands the maximum of my consciousness. Not only that, but it challenges my fears of openness to let you know how much you can expect from me and how committed and invested I am in this relationship.

I feel total nakedness in the middle of the dark with the spotlight on me. I don’t fear your scrutiny but my openness and vulnerability. Your presence in my life has brought within me a striving for honesty, directness and the sincerity that I have in the past reserved only for those who offered me theirs.

With you, there is no need for me to expect the same from you, because there are peace and space for me to roam in the realm of my intimacy. No need to protect, cover, or armor the most intimate parts of me, many of which nobody else knows about, yet parts which I can share all with you. That, simultaneously, brings the deepest closeness within my own self: full of love, full of understanding, support, forbearing. All because of you.

When I am around you, your attention and presence bring the giving and attentive, grounding my presence around you, caring and sharing for the wonderful outcome of our dancing together. That, to me, is friendship. There is no abuse, no infliction of a struggle simply because there is no struggle, but simplicity. No place looks empty when you are around. No place lacks of sound for the soul when you are around, and it never matters where I go, you go with me.

Your presence in your utmost ethereal, is always a nutrient of mine. Making me feel whole, complete with all my maleness and staying in touch with all your femaleness. Closing the loop of the energy that makes me creative, adventurous, mysterious, strong, intense, inquisitive and myself. Who I am and who I’m not do not matter, because I am always present Present with you and with myself, creating an unprecedented intensity that builds steadily the necessary strength in the journey of life. This intensity also brings the light of me and your presence and provides me the cover that shades the weaknesses of my victories, my endeavors, in the learning process of life, what it was, and revealing what I want it to be, for you and for me.

Your friendship is a not solo flight. It is an invitation for me to be present and attuned for the new risings in my growth, while having a helping hand available to seed every day in your fertile ground. All of this, doesn’t have a meaning without you, without your friendship. I say so, as I watch the growth created by your hand in this realm of mine. You are the one to harvest from mine, while I care and wait for the growth of yours. I seed and water, I cover and feed, for the day to come and show you what has grown in you, as you witness the growth in me.

In this friendship of mine there are not unfulfilled requests, neither unnecessary demands. Just, needs met, desires accomplished, dreams to follow, together and alone. It is in the tandem of our energy where the secret lives and it is in the attention given, where the dance takes place.

In this friendship of ours, there is room for both of us to breathe, turn around, stop, go, see, feel, and orchestrate from simplicity to magnitude. In this friendship of ours there is space for expressing without sensing judgement, exploring with no restrictions, risking with no consequences, receiving without asking, giving without invading, learning without prying. There is enough room for tears and laughters, genuine and discovery. This friendship of ours is ours and no one disowns it. In the realm of freedom we explore each other with passion, knowing that the discovery of each other represents the encounter with ourselves. The love and lust for each other represent the preservation of our utmost selves. The balance and trust of each other represent the evolution of our soul in the most intimate confinement, but we are not alone at all, because you have yourself and I have mine, and because we have the capability, willingness and desire to share our oneself with each other. In that way, we find the most precious parts of each other, without ignoring the counterparts that makes us wholesome and unabridged.

You represent to me the opportunity to probe my self, to mirror myself and my actions with a meaningful outcome, to perseve and improve my surroundings through the improvement of my inner self, with all my parts and the places that this dance of us takes us.

You represent my beloved self with all the grace I can grant without request. The same that comes from the deepest and more meaningful parts of my soul, my body and my mind, and all this is present, thanks and through your presence in my life.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Fault Lines

Recently I've crystallized some thoughts that I had been knocking about for a while concerning the sometimes less than cordial relationships between the transsexual, transgendered and ambigendered (OK, use crossdresser or another term if you prefer) segments of our community. It seems we ought to be able to get along pretty well given that we share the common bond of a desire to express a gender identity contrary to our biological sex—and society's general rejection of the same. Yet there is often tension between these various groups. Why?
I think the real dividing line in our community is the desire to transition. The transsexual and the transgendered (in the original sense of the word, those who desire to live as the opposite gender) are on one side and the "part-timers" (CDs, TVs, fetishists, etc.—we're not as clearly defined and labeled) on the other. And while we are often allies, we exist in a tenuous relationship with one another. My view of the tension is that is springs from the fact that those on both sides of the line have a need—and it is legitimate and understandable- -to distinquish themselves from those on the other. The M2F transsexual needs to prove that she really is a woman with an unfortunate physical birth defect and the transitioning transgendered M2F is similar in desiring to prove a compelling need to express her feminine identity full-time. These individuals genuinely feel they must prove that they aren't "just" some part-time crossdresser who is dabbling at this. The problem is that this distinction is perhaps most easily expressed by blatantly insulting the "part-timers" with in a condescending "trannier than thou" sort of attitude.
This is not to say that my tribe, the ambigendered, CDs, and other parttimers are blameless. We have the need to prove to ourselves and others (particularly significant others and spouses) that while we may cross over to the other side of the gender barrier, we are only doing so temporarily (hence my preference for the term ambigendered) . We find it necessary to establish our identity as distinct from the transsexual or the permanently transitioning transgendered individual as not seeking permanent transitioning. The simplest way to do that is often crude and offensive to those on the other side of the fault line.
There is a delicate balance between the legitimate needs of the transitioner and polite respect for those who aren't transitioning. And frankly, introspection, tact, finesse, diplomacy and literary nimbleness are uncommon traits both in our community and the human race at large. While there isn't an easy way to address the legitimate needs of every individual in our community as regards explanation of personal gender status, there is a simple rule that might help us lay the foundation for mutual respect and cooperation. It involves behaving towards one another with toleration and compassion. That shouldn't be so hard, since that seems to be what we all crave from the rest of society. Toleration, like charity, begins at home; if you can't give it, you shouldn't expect to receive it.

Stealth I

I've thought so much about the "stealth state" that most post-op sisters adopt once achieving their goal. These thoughts of mine have been ongoing since 2002 when I started corresponding with a local young TS woman. I contacted her due to my interest to meet other gender crossing (XG) people near me. She accepted my interest right away and with time she started expressing her confidence while developing trust in me. We finally met at the end of 2003 as she was moving away to achieve "Stealth" status.

Early 20's pretty young gal, that was very confused and angry about living as a male, when she always felt to be a woman. As we were starting our friendship, she had already achieved some cornerstones, such as coming out to family members and selected friends and had began hormone replacement therapy (HRT). At work, she was the boy as she was born, though as time progressed became quite androgynous and quite passable with her own long hair, arched brows, wonderfully chiseled features and a slender 5'9" frame. Her demeanor within was clearly very feminine as she always exhibited traits similar to any other woman I had known, though carried a strong disregard for male attitudes. She had confided in me that she had never had an intimate relationship with either gender and was unsure about her sexual orientation, though she was open to exploring a relationship with a man.

Shortly before she decided to move, she had a Trachea shave procedure and possibly rhinoplasty (nose reconstruction) but I can't really say since I had only seen one picture of her before the surgical procedures.

For the most part, our exchanges were about her emotional state of mind. Probably 9 out of 10 times she was very unhappy and ready to burst. It was my first real encounter with Gender Dysphoria. I became a sort of "counselor" through our correspondence, I began noticing how she would start looking at her situation from other angles after my long mail messages. Therefore, her views would slowly shift to entertaining herself looking at her internal process, rather than the events that would take place around her. There were times however she would be very upset because she did not like my way of looking and presenting things. Note: I was not her counselor, but it felt like if I was. Our exchanges were of one that occurs between two adults, one much older than the other and at times my personal opinion would be a part of the deal.

Toward the end of our correspondence, we started talking about stealth issues. I knew so little about it and remember reading at an MSN group that one regular member exited the group w/o any goodbyes. The stealth concept was brought into the board and I started learning that it was a part of the expected result when arriving to the end of the transitioning process.

My friend Kay (not her real name), started talking very seriously about it. I noticed we were both taking the issue seriously and at times got emotionally involved. A natural process for me, since I was beginning to figure my own thoughts and feelings about the whole issue, regardless of how convinced whether I was going for a full transition or not. As I voiced my own soul, I learned so much about Gender Dysphoria and even more about the repercussions of transitioning.

With regards to doing such personally, I wanted to learn all of the implications as in my view, a vital core part of spiritual/psychological/emotional growth were to be forsaken in this process. However, I delved into the idea that I may possibly do the exact same, so I kept the door open, so I could figure all of the positives as well as negatives of doing so.

Kay's case was very similar to many others. Although her family "accepted" her decision to transition, they didn't know how to approach the situation. Kay felt unsupported and not welcome in her new lifestyle. Support was extremely hard to come by as well as grasp due to the lack of awareness of the processes involved successfully transitioning from someone looking in from the outside. I remember watching an airing of Oprah Winfrey when her show covered a transitioning woman as she said, “I simply cannot understand why and how you can put yourself through all of this.” She was as honest as they come and I could tell there was genuine concern in her feeling, but as well she was proud of her guest for having the courage to take what she felt was the right course.

Kay and I covered so many aspects of becoming stealth. One that caught my attention deeply was that she told me that by becoming stealth she wouldn't be in need of disclosing her past to any potential lover. She was a woman, period! That ran the alarm bells for me. I remember some of the cases in which transgender women were beaten and others killed once their partners found out their lovers past as a male. I expressed my concern about it and she got very angry with me and presented all her arguments to support her view, none of which felt valid as they would not prevent her from becoming a victim of her potential lover. In the conversation we had previous to last (in person) I was so alarmed, that my response was ringing with outrage that at some point I told her "I think you should swallow an acid (LSD) so you can see other things. Like what life is in its real essence." I didn't mean it literally, but I wanted to convey to her that I was worried for her safety and well being. The topic pretty much died there and she assumed her stealth status and slowly phased out of my life.

From my outlook, the integration of both genders, past and present provide the richest wealth we can gather to nurture our souls in this life. Putting one or the other in the closet is a criminal act that many of us have lived for so many years and we need to have in depth knowledge thereof. With regards to living stealth, I acknowledge the fact that as we progress in our transition our past history and lifestyle slowly vanishes. In my experience, the saddest of all is realizing that my male persona is going away and I dearly loved myself as a male, even if I prefer to present as a true woman. I am extremely grateful for it allowed me to learn so much, protecting and giving me the opportunity to be a first hand witness that a lot of things are much easier for males.

Many of the achievements in my life would not have been possible as a female. So letting go of my male persona has been a sad experience. Not that I can't do it or that I do not want to, it’s just simply sad to take a critical part of ones make up and figuratively place it on a shelf never to be used again.

I didn't have a problem with anything associated being a male, since I felt comfortable falling somewhere between both genders. How I felt, thought, acted, related, etc. & remembering long ago my father's wife told me "I think you're afraid of women.” Referring to my lack of ability to approach in a sexual way a woman we both knew that I was so attracted to! Every single minute I spent with her was like pure heaven. She enticed me at all levels and I couldn't make my move to become intimate and personal with her. I felt she was attracted to me as well and it would have been easy for me to take that step, however she was married and that is a moral line I would not cross. She was in a marriage that was collapsing and her husband was not a safe person. Very controlling, incredibly powerful, rich, popular, you name it. Had I became involved with her, the stakes would have been extremely high including the custody of her children. I knew as well, my chances of surviving such relationship were small under these circumstances. My female persona had enough depth to know exactly what was happening to her and what I would represent to her at such moment in her life. It would have been great, though temporary moment for us both carrying serious complications. My female feelings wouldn't allow me to succumb to all the desire I experienced with and for her! I could have gone either way, but I chose to honor my appreciation for intimacy rather than my physical call. If there was a fear towards women, it was the fear I experience due to my XG condition, not to females at all.

What does that have to do with stealth issues? The acceptance of my duality of that time allowed me to see both ends of the spectrum. My male counterpart will never be as it was ever again. I feel a deep level of nostalgia as I see my male presence fading like a sunset. The very same way I saw my female persona before I found the courage to honor it as it seemed so far away! My male is in that same place and I will honor it for as long as I live. Maybe I will not act like I did then and maybe I will not ever use the resources of my male ego again, but that male of my past is and always will be a core part of what this life of mine has been to this day. It has nothing to do with hormones, or my body shape, nor the way I look at life. It is not a physical realm as much as it is purely spiritual.

The most challenging part of a transgender life is integrating both parts of the self, to make peace with it and honor what one is within. So becoming stealth is simply starting a new chapter in life in which we live right now w/o going back to the past for whatever reason it maybe. A chapter that always existed will carry forth a part that was me, my life, my body, my spirit, my past, my learning years and I can't turn my back to the core part of myself to make things easier nor smoother. At some point or another, that hidden secret of mine may become as dangerous as I perceived in the past as one of being discovered as a XG woman. That skeleton in the closet does not lead to anything positive at any level in life and if we live with them as such, we are prone to all of the guilt and shame defeating the purpose of life.


Sunday, November 04, 2007

And Now What?

“You cannot step in the same river twice” is an expression of the experience of having “been there, done that”.

So you can dress to the nines, go to the gay and transgendered clubs and be constantly complimented, ogled, and hit on by guys and masculine cross-dressers. So most of your transgendered friends cannot pass well enough to go to mainstream public places, and even those that could, choose to go to the same blasé, gay, transgender-friendly, safe clubs. And some of those who don’t pass go to straight places anyways, and don’t mind being mistaken for drag queens and being instant celebrities whom everyone wants to have their pictures taken with. So you pass on this option. And now what?

So you can dress as an attractive female, go alone to the mall and the straight clubs, fly under the radar, and still be complimented, ogled, and hit on by guys (albeit fewer times). But you don’t dare to interact much because of the fear of discovery of your true identity and the peril that might follow. So you can alone go to lesbian clubs and be complimented (but rarely hit on by women even though you like women). So your experiences start to seem hollow, void, empty, lacking in substance. So the thrill is gone although you spend considerable time helping others. So is this all there is for a non-transitioned, transgendered woman? And now what?

So you have been unable to meet people with the same needs, wants, and desires? So is this a forecast that the transgendered life is not for you or is it the prelude of the need for something fresh, vital, and alive? And now what?

Felicia Conti