I've always considered myself an intelligent, thinking person. I've rated the cerebral more important than other considerations in dealing with people. Heck, my top considerations for finding a wife were that she was well read and I could have conversations. I'm fairly tolerant Gay, Straight, White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Male, Female, but I do not suffer fools lightly. I've been characterized as one of those people who is too smart for their own good.
I suppressed my transgender inclinations for so long partly because of the perceived "moral" implications, but in point of fact, to me it just made no sense. Engaging in an activity that would make me the target of people’s negative attention, when I felt I had a choice in the matter, seemed rather stupid. It made no sense to me to put on make up, clothes etc. to just stay at home and look in the mirror, so why do it? I could not even imagine going out in public as I do now.
My wife, of course, provided an answer; I did not seem like a whole person. The whole cross dressing experience was begun to drag myself out of my walls and defense mechanisms. Of course we could not conceive of what it means. I have not yet arrived but am in the course of change.
As a Guy I was not particularly concerned with my appearance. Just another face in the crowd, not the leading man but a character actor playing the role required. At times I was “Mr. Cellophane” from the song in the musical “Chicago”. In the Army I did not have the shiniest shoes or sharpest creases.
Spending 38 years thinking about being a woman does not prepare one for really for taking steps in Transgendered shoes. Since I did not really think I would ever let myself be a cross dresser I could not picture how I would look. I anticipated something that would lead people to laugh. I’m just another guy after all.
The first time I dressed full En Femme I was surprised, I looked better than I expected. My wife was upset that my legs looked good in heels and hose. The first of the emotional baggage to be acquired was vanity.
Considering that I have thrown all of society’s standards away, by presenting myself En Femme, why do I feel the need to conform to the cultures standards of feminine beauty? Even hear at Gender Evolve, I look at my lovely sisters and see my own appearance as not good enough. I do want to look pretty.
Partly I want to look pretty because all my life my appearance has not been worth positive comment. Even as I started this several days ago, recent posts impact my thoughts. Vanity is thought by many to be the Cross dressers down fall.
From Alysyn’s Ego's 7 Dominating Messages:
2. The ego says, "Your thoughts are very important." The Holy Spirit insists, "Only thoughts you think with God are real - nothing else matters." This teaching explains that thougts centering on ourselves, appearance, possessions, fears, or relationship problems are not only unimportant, they're not real. Ouch! The ego flinches at such commentary. But if we examine these thoughts from Spirit's infinite perspective, we see that...when we were totally immersed in-Spirit, we only had thoughts of Spirit because that's all we were; when we left It behind, we opted for thoughts that our ego told us were important.
Gee, this really cuts to the quick. Exactly, why do I seem to care so much about how I look? Certainly, I should look my best, but how I compare to other women should be insignificant. It may very well have been true that had I started cross dressing 15 years ago I may have looked prettier; but here I am at 40; why cry over spilled Make up? God loves me, my wife loves me (no matter how I’m dressed) and my kids love me (they’ll even say I look pretty). Appearance is fleeting the things of the spirit are eternal.
But on the opposite shoulder from Alysyn is Felicia:
Imagine yourself as a five-foot-five, slim, curvaceous, and amazingly attractive woman, the best looking woman in the casino night club, a fem fatale……As we left the nightclub at 6:30 a.m., I could not help but reflect on how Tori had shown me the power of the feminine not only in her attraction of the opposite sex, but more importantly in her taking the risk to openly advocate for transgendered people. While she could have easily stayed in stealth mode, she chose to risk speaking the truth of who she is and where it is she comes from. This was a valuable life lesson and one that I will cherish.
Face it the pretty amongst us have advantages. Part of my feelings are that if I look good enough I will gain more acceptance. I already have no problem telling people I’m transgender, I just don’t have the good looks to captivate my audience. There definitely is something to say about beauty; the inside variety is easier to notice sometimes when the skin deep variety dazzles.
Alysyn whispers in reply:
Starting today, shun the world's ideal of beauty, because it's constantly changing. Cleopatra longed for varicose veins, Middle Age beauties padded their bellies. Don't wait for the world to celebrate you. Carve your own niche. Focus on what's great, forget what's not. Find joy in your own reflection. Instead of obsessing about a body that's impossible to achieve without a personal trainer, begin to discover how you can feel better about living in the one you now inhabit.
Take good care of myself. Do my best. Don’t worry about not meeting the worlds present standards. As Michele said: “I believe Trans is going to become the next hottest thing!” Maybe I am ahead of a trend. Maybe I will be chic just for being who I am; the best version me I can be. It’s tough to not be just a little jealous of Tori though. How is a girl to make sense of all this.
In much pondering,
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Posted by Samantha Leigh at 2:33 PM
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