Damnation Aly, Pt. 1

(by Alysyn Ayrica)
Well, I guess this is a hell of a way to start. I’ve been in kind of a writing slump lately, so please bear with me if I’m not all that prolific right out of the gate. Despite the fact that I have a zillion topics sloshing around in my skull, a heap o’ responses to so many of the brilliant posts I’ve been reading here, and a poem or two that I’ll spare you the trauma of actually having to trudge through, I can’t seem to, of late, generate the appropriate sentences structures to approximate a coherent thread.

So, I began to decipher what I know about human behavior regarding the impetus to converse fluently…only to discover the one thing that seems to draw the average person into focused verbal interaction…have them talk about themselves!

Will it work? Let’s find out…

Children have a tendency to function as a genetic reflector. My son is everything I should have been growing up…reserved, contemplative, easy going, assenting. My daughter is everything I actually was…emotional, pouty, argumentative…if I hadn’t been witness to her birth (as well as her, *ahem*, conception…) I would swear they simply cloned me outright!

Even though I had friends as a child, I was always viewing my playtime from the end of a tunnel. I felt disconnected from the idealistic reality that most children take for granted, as if there were a higher calling that was made known to me from early on which tainted my innocence, but which my lack of education forbade me to comprehend.

Growing up my innate desire to emote and naturally inquisitive nature were suppressed by the irate impatience of a father who’s own lack of education was expressed as a rage of insecurity, which was promply vented upon anyone who was petulant enough to actually love him, including his children. At the age of fifteen my emotional outpourings were so acute that my mother threatened to take me to a therapist…which, looking back would have been the most beneficial thing she could have done for me outside of basic necessities…

It was at this point, though, that I, instead, reacted with an extreme response. I became emotionally dead. I felt as if I had expended all emotion contained within me and had nothing left to feel. For the next fifteen years I essentially closed up shop.

In that time I became aware of a death within me, and spent the majority of my time in investigation and introspection. I believe that the emotional disconnect within me was also what allowed my bodies natural impulses to dominate my life so aggressively. I realized after a time that I had so little to offer anyone by way of a loving connection, that I would become, for the most part, a tool for pleasure. Had I not received so many “encouraging” comments in this regard over time I would even now consider myself to have failed in that endeavor.

This attitude spilled over into my marriage. My orgasm was merely an irreversible and unsatisfying function of a body which was already weary of it’s own existence. It was a constant reminder that it was only good for the pleasure of one person, because it’s owner wished for a role that would not only eliminate the need for further contextual response, but could express itself in a more appropriate manner. It was a concession to exist in a relatively functional male role.

The events throughout my marriage were what compelled me to consider my converse gender dysfunction seriously. From the first year my wife’s bipolar disorder became acute, although we weren’t aware of the diagnosis until the fifth year when it had progressed significantly. The years of emotional and psychological turmoil we experienced due to her (I realize now) inability to coherently apprehend reality in merely even a linear fashion, as well as her constant delusions, lack of comprehension and ability to process information in a contextual manner, took a decided toll on those walls which I had so painstakingly constructed to contain my emotions.

But it was the imminent death of my son in early infancy which destroyed them completely.

The fear of my family and friends, my pastor and those in my fellowship…my wife!...discovering the deeply guarded, padlocked-behind-iron-doors secret suddenly became the reality I had never wanted. In my mind I watched, with prophetess-like clarity, the loss of my marriage, the taking of my children, the backs of those whom I love dearly turning toward me as they looked away in shame. My reason told me that those who are truly loving would stay…yet I lost so much, that my reason be damned!

The first year and a half, as I developed more feminine physical qualities, I spent sorting out my masculine past. When I realized that I could no longer maintain the illusion of a male figure I merely shifted, relatively smoothly, into my life. For the next two years I existed within a cocoon of self-analysis and court battles.

I had began a few new, and as it turned out long term, friendships, but was essentially alone and lonely. I watched, again from a distance, as my marriage came to a legal end, as my children began to disconnect from me, and as my financial situation became even more dire than it had been. I could no longer afford to maintain my aggressive hormonal therapy and often fell into wells of severe and life-threatening depression. Only once did I end up in an ambulance, but that was due to a manipulative act on the part of my wife, and did more to embarrass and anger me than anything.

Watching the deterioration of my wife was horribly disconcerting, yet when she died, though saddened, I was not surprised. Despite the turbulence she created I miss her terribly at times. The burden that was lifted at her passing is indescribable, though, and has allowed me, for the first time in many, many years, to identify a peace in my life which has been relatively nonexistent. In so many words, things are quiet now.


From Adarabeth...

Wow, Aly, I have never had such turmoil in my life as you have. I
read your words and see the images in my mind and I just want to hug
you. Is it the man inside of me that wants to fix your problems and make them go away? Or is it the woman who compassionately feels your pain and wishes she could support you in some way? I dont really know what part of me identifies and wants to be there somehow. It really doesnt matter what gender identity relates or has compasion for your plight... I, as the whole person, have more than enough love energy to give you anytime... and send it now without atachment or condition...
As you walk the journey of a thousand steps know this... you are not alone...

Aly .......

With all the heartache happening in the world right now .... reading your story draws up more of the same feelings in me for you.

I pray that you've also been blessed with remarkable highpoints and that may you have many, many more to come. All the girls and support I've gotten here at GenderEvolve has given me a new peace and i wish the same for you.

Dearest Aly,

You are welcomed to the GenderEvolve family with open arms. While the past will never go away, perhaps sharing experiences with kindred sister spirits will help you to make peace with it. You have endured a great many storms, and yet, you have prevailed. I daresay, the challenges have made you stronger and wiser. The impression I get from your writing is that of a very wise old soul who is coming to terms with the magnificient being that she really is.

Please love and appreciate yourself for the strides you have made, and for effectively coping with whatever life has thrown your way. While you may feel that times in the past have gone wrong, there really is no such thing. Everything that happens in life is a lesson meant for growth. The fact that you have evolved as a person, and are striving to blossom, is a tribute to your strength of character.

When you look at your life and ponder the moment, never forget: it's not where you are today that counts the most... it's how far you've come from where you started.

You've come a long way baby! :)

Again, welcome to the GenderEvolve family Aly, and we look forward to growing alongside you and sharing collective experiences.

Much love,

Adara, you are truly amazing. Please know that I share this as a means of comfort, that even difficult circumstances can end in quietus. In the words of a wise person, "this too shall pass"...

Knowing the hurdles and pitfalls which can, and often do, present themselves in a situation such as this I only hope that I can, in some way, be that friend to another that I needed so desperately during the lonely
period, as well as an experiential resource, if God allows me that role.

Thank you for your encouraging words, I enjoy our correspondence.


Felicia Conti said…
First, let me say that I am very sorry to hear about your wife’s death and the pain that you must have felt in watching her deteriorate. I can relate to your post on at least several levels. Growing up, I dealt with parents who had both mental illness (bi-polar disorder) and alcoholism. I have also had experiences of feeling both numb and severely depressed. I repressed my transgenderism for many years and I think my superhuman efforts to walk the straight and narrow road played havoc on my immune system. It wasn’t until I gave myself permission to be me as much as possible that my health has done an about face. It seems we have some things in common.

Best Regards.

Felicia Conti
Jenna said…
Dearest Aly,

Let me first say I can share with you the grief and pain of losing a loved one, both the emotion and physical loses. Although this may sound harsh, or even cold to those that have not experienced it, there is a great warm release of spirituality and emotion from events such as these. Those tribulations will shake us to our very core, and in turn, demand that we face ourselves. My heart is telling me you have confronted yourself, and taken this self inventory of your life. My ear, shoulder and heart is here for you. May God Bless the road ahead of you, and may He grant you the vision to see his Will for you. I know you have the strength to carry it out.

Dear Aly,

It sounds like you've definitely been through the wringer. My father died after a lengthy illness, so I know the pain of watching a loved one wither away. I'm glad you seem to be finally finding the peace that eluded you for so many years.


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