If there is one thing consistent that I have learned about myself, it’s that my fancies’s can play as fickle as a fiddle from a pickle barrel of violins!
I do a lot of reading here on 360, many about either sprinting to the O.R. for surgeries, others about loss of family, but few I find that discuss ones Transition of their sexual orientation.
At this stage of my transition from a male to a female, I'm facing the difficult realities of my choices and the concessions they inherit; and if that weren't enough, my decision making abilities have started hitch hiking down the side of the road with a sign that says “Thailand or Bust”!
Many people come to read my page here (my mother included (Hi Mom! And yes, the wife knows all about this Blog <wink>)), co workers and of course all my friends from inside and out of the TransGendered community. So, this subject is not easy for me to discuss in open forum – I do so with the up most care and respect – I hope you as the reader, will acknowledge that this is a VERY difficult thing for me right now, and I turn to YOU all for some solid advice.
I have discussed this subject at length with my Therapist, however, in the end, I had came to the conclusion that “Chloe” was a heterosexual woman with lesbian tendencies and “Ted” was a complete heterosexual Man - Period.
As I move closer and closer to completing my surgery, I am going over the numbers of my sexual orientation in my mind and have decided to go back to therapy for a few sessions to work this out. It seems my Sexual Orientation is ALSO transitioning with me.
Either way, I WILL have the surgery - NO MATTER WHAT! However, I need help in working out my feelings for my attraction to the opposite sex and where and what it will all correlate with once I am 100% a female. To sum it up: You know the commercial jingle “Some times you feel like a nut, some times you don’t?!”
Could this be a case of libido in flux?
A year ago, I had to find out – discussing the issue with my wife, I was given the green light to go on a date with a male – to be escorted for the night to the theater. My wife aslo wanted to know how I felt too. We both needed to know "Does Chloe like men, and why?"
(Below is a photo of me on the date).
The gentlemen that took me was a real nice guy – ideal for my first time out. I was very thankful to his girlfriend to allow him to come and “Stand up for me” so to speak. It was something I badly needed to do. At the time, I needed to find out how I would feel being treated COMPLETELY like a lady… and “he” did that for me. He held doors, took my coat, brought me a corsage and even coordinated his colors with my dress.
After the “mock” date, he walked me to my car. Alone, there in the midnight November air with a light sprinkle of snow falling, we stood under a lamp post at my car – no more words were said; our eyes meant for a moment and then, he leaned into me, grasp me firmly and I fell powerless into his arms (as if under a spell)! He kissed me ever so softly on the lips; out of complete instinct. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and melted into him to what turned out to be the sexiest moment of my female life!
In that moment, for the first time – “Chloe”, felt completely a woman.
We remained friends. I will admit, for a while I was confuse by the situation , but later realized that "he" only fullfilled a feminine desire to be treated like a lady by a man - I had no REAL feelings for him.
We never dated again and in fact, I have not seen him in almost a year now. He will always remain so special to me – but he belongs to another and so do I. He is a very honorable person and I am happy that I had my 1st experince with someone that I could trust to make it a positive one for me.
The next morning I awoke to my wife standing over me, “So how was it?” she asked. I told her "....{sigh}...amazing…."
“Did he kiss you?” she grined...
Carefully choosing my words now, I told her everything.
“How did that make you feel?” she asked now crossing her arms.
Looking back over the moment, I said “When he kissed me, I've never felt so safe, so secure, more beautiful and more desired than I did when he held and kissed me - He completed me as a woman!”
Then, with tears in her eyes welling up, my wife said to me, “....you see…. THAT'S what you’ve taken away from me!!"
It’s amazing how so few words can pluck you right out of the best moment in your life and bring you crashing back to Earth, landing in the pit of Hell's belly.
She was right ya know....
I HAD taken that all away from her. It dawned on me:
"She is a heterosexual woman – it’s not about being Trans, or not loving me enough… it’s just “Chloe” wasn’t part of the deal here. I've turned her into appearing as a lesbian to the entire world -AND- made a mockery of her sexual orientation and her marriage!."
The information came crashing in on me…
It was TOO much…
That was a year ago that all happen. We are still together – but it is completely for the children’s sake it seems these days. With out support from our families and worse yet – negative bias members who wanted to “oust me from my own home and from my children”, we have no support system to hold us together – not even for the children’s sake it seems.
So this is my “Sophia’s Choice”. Now that I know what I'm doing - How do I deal with it - AND, can I? CAN SHE?
The dilemma: I can not work the details out in my mind because there is a cloud that looms over me – That cloud is SRS.
I can not make a clear decision on my sexual preference until I transition – that being, to whom I want to live life with and have enjoyable and fulfilling sex and with that choice, a fulfilling life.
I don’t want to push my wife into doing this when I know it is not what she wants – this would hurt me knowing that I was making her do something she didn’t want to do. It already is hard enough knowing that the mere fact of transition was not what she wanted and that is hurting her - and I am powerless to stop that, except to be strong enough to let her go.. and all others that I am hurting by doing so.
Living with a man or a woman has its advantages – but that all aside, if I’m ONLY listening to my heart, I’m in trouble – because it’s not talking to me – it’s in Thailand waiting for me to come get it with my surgery.
I hate doing this to my wife – I just don’t want to put her through this – I don’t want to be selfish like this – but she won’t divorce me – so am I being selfish by making that decision myself for her?
What if I transition, and find that while I find men attractive and even liked kissing them, that it turns out THAT'S ALL I liked and the act of actually having sex with a man would be not what I want!?
THEN WHAT?
I still want a vagina either way – that’s for sure. I NEVER want to have sex as a male in ANY capacity ever again – it disgusts me! Taking a shower, I try to cover up – I don’t even like LOOKING down there any more… its just a death every time I have to be reminded of the mistake in my panties.
Working my gender issues out was easy: I am a woman.
But, am I Hetero or a Lesbian Woman?
I guess "I am what I am" and the decision will eventually make it's self.
-Chloe Prince
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