Saturday, October 22, 2005

How to guarantee a broken heart...

(by Alysyn Ayrica)

In recently cancelling a profile and blogspace I realized that there were still areas of concern in my life which hadn't been fully reconciled. The following is reposted to this forum as a way of presenting the same quadrous misgivings I have to an, obviously, more thoughtful group for further consideration...

*****

So how does one pinpoint the exact time to begin opening yourself up to the possibility of being in love? In the case of one being purposefully disconnected to protect vital emotions from being constantly assaulted by the carelessness of others, how does the time become recognizeable when those barriers must be necessarily moved aside to allow the sincere and loving complement to migrate to your very core?

When dancing along a precipice, eventually the fear of falling must subside and become a known inevitability. How often is it safe to test the limits of our standing? Is the ground at the end of the cliff firm enough to tempt standing closer, still, to the edge in an ever-increasing anticipation of that plunge?

The truth is, no matter when the fall, the end result is the same: destruction.

At some point we must all come to the end of ourselves. Oft times it is in the context of love, in rare occasion it is in service, which is another form of love. The difficult part is making the decision to step up and decide if the love we percieve to be there is worth the risk of stepping out of that protective suit to bathe in it. So often that opportunity is passed up due to fear.

There is a rationale in protecting onesself from the tirade of negative experiences this world offers; but is that not more a general device? What if something specific and real, the disturbance in your head, the hammering in your heart, the simultaneously excited/scared feeling in your belly at the mere thought of that one, presents itself to you...with only slight hesitation, but clear in intention?

What if fear begins to cloud your mind to the point that you would maladroitly push such a one away, still in a protectorate mode that has become all too familiar?

What if...?

4 comments:

Alexis Rene said...

To truly feel happiness one must be able to feel sadness as well, while coping with all the effects. The argument being that sadness can be felt 24/7. Contraire.... Sadness and depression are separate things.

Fear is completely separate but closely tied to the previous three in steps. A subconscious mind employs that to try & save from a overload type situation.

If we let fear control in completion we will never evolve from our current place of standing.

That being said, We can't throw caution to the wind completely either. Everything has to be in moderation. If we Thelma & Louise it off the cliff we know the crashing outcome, but I believe feelings and emotions are like anything else...They must be ran through frequently to keep them dusted off and working properly.

I have depicted the feelings previously noted from my own place of standing/experiences and am now currently kicking lighter stones than myself off the precipice to see the fall out while checking my adaptability to handle when the bigger ones do fall again. Which will inevitably happen, but my soul finally tires of living like the subconscious(unconscious?) minded prisoner it created to keep out the bad while also filtering out the good with it.

Alexis

adarabeth said...

So heavy are lexi's retort, and your pondering Aly...
Oh Aly, do you shuffle the 'what if' deck with ALL of life's quandries?
Aly, you already know this - the answers to your questions. One does 'not', not ever 'know' the exact time to begin opening yourself up for 'possibilities'. Life simply does not work this way. Especially when it comes to love. Love does not come with safety nets - quite the opposite. The precipice, the dance - they are a given of love. I believe an essence, that truely defines love. There are thousands of cliches that demonstrate this, but few speak so elequently as this one: it is better to have loved, than not to have loved at all. You will always question at the end of your life the reasons for not, rather than for... love is equal in the question. It may be an end result of destruction - or creation - for that matter. It is in the faith of what can be rather than will I get hurt that one must let go of the fear.
You will get hurt.
And you will also soar like an eagle high in the clouds above. It is the human experience. I would rather die than let fear rule my decisions. And I would rather love and be hurt than envelop myself in the safety of not letting anyone in. To me that is a bigger/worse fear.
I like what Alexis says - one cannot know light without dark, up without down or happiness without sadness. Don't you think you know sadness well enough yet? If the love you are pondering shows truth in your heart, it matters not that it may hurt you someday. For it hurts you already to hold fast. If the love you ponder is too full of unknowns and these are the roots of your fears, than cast off what you do not know and seek the answers. If it is meant to be they will come. And so will your courage to walk the precipice.
Love
adarabeth

Michele Angelique said...

FROM BRIELLE:

Hi Aly,
It's true, that love can burn brightly yet cut like a
knife, that threshold where we open the door can naver
be anticipated, Love could be around any & every
corner, it is the mystery of the fence which we can
never know wherein lies our power to move foreward.
But on that fence we have to find our balance, we
stand on one side or the other, but which is
satisfying can't be told until one makes the point of
not getting hung up by the fence, be open, everything
within all possibility I say. I want to be in love
again one day, but I'm open, and it will happen when
I'm not looking...
It's power to elate & elevate us to the soaring
heights of the moment is incredible. But we can not
count on anything but the moment, I have found. Best
to live like those moments are nothing that can be
anticipated, and hold them tightly wrapped around you
like your favorite sweater... Johnny Thunders from the
Heartbreakers once said...Ya can't wrap your arms
around a memory.. yet everything happens for a reason,
and hope allows that positive energy to come your
way.. so we steal the stars when we can, and have to
hope that we will continue to pick up the pebbles
leading us along the path . These mysteries of the
human condition drive us foreward up the mountain, We
should be like the goat, steady footed on the high
precipice, yet ever moving upward sometimes slowly,
sometines fast sometimes alone, sometimes in good
company. I hope, I dream, I have love in my heart.
Give freely, expect nothing, humbly accept what is
offered.
Here are a couple of my favorite poems which I didn't
write....go see my blog for some of my recent thoughts
on love...some of you I know have read that hash...lol
But, anyway, I like these...alot... ;D

XOXO sis,

Bri

(How Soon is Now)~Morrisey

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Oh ...
Oh ...

There’s a club, if you’d like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

When you say it’s gonna happen now
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See, I’ve already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

Oh ...
Oh ...

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Ok ?

Sonnet's to Orpheus ~ Rilke


Silent friend of many distances, feel
how your breath enlarges all of space.
Let your presence ring out like a bell
into the night. What feeds upon your face

grows mighty from the nourishment thus offered.
Move through transformation, out and in.
What is the deepest loss that you have suffered?
If drinking is bitter, change yourself to wine.

In this immeasurable darkness, be the power
that rounds your sense in their magic ring,
the sense of their mysterious encounter.

And if the earthly no longer knows your name,
whisper to the silent earth: I’m flowing.
To the flashing water say: I am.

~ Rilke, The Sonnets to Orpheus, II, 29
(Translation by Steven Mitchell)

Alysyn said...

Y'r all correct, and on a purely intellectual level I understand this.

But when it finally comes around to experiencing the emotions and interplay I feel so...so...

...like I'm in kindergarten learning everything for the first time. I've been through two marriages, numerous relationships, and...well...a transition, and yet I still feel like I'm so ignorant when it comes to building an intimate relationship.

It's been explained to me that both fear and excitement release the same chemicals into the body. That they are, essentially, the same emotion, just processed differently. Sometimes just trying to determine which one I'm actually feeling at any given moment is what twists me into knots.

Grrrr. Even thinking about it hypothetically gets me all in a freak!

Grrrr!