Tuesday, January 10, 2006

On Golden Pondering


(By Miranda Skye)

I have thought a lot about the evolution and psychology of aging as a TG and how it affects me. Being so deep in denial and deep in the closet my whole life I had had no information of any kind about my options. I knew I wasn’t gay but I definitely knew I wasn’t normal.

I have never “binged and purged” my closet …. I just held the line so tightly that I refused to fall off. I kept to dangerous testosterone filled activities but as the years progressed it finally all came to a head.

The first time after a full make-over the feeling was so intoxicating I “knew” things would never be the same. But being a perfectionist has given me doubts about whether I am just “stuck” on perfecting my feminine persona or is my brain really “wired” as a woman. The thing I know for sure is that I am miserable if I don’t “self talk” my way each day into a Buddhist style of acceptance.

If I were ever to separate from my wife and young child (cannot imagine ever abandoning my young daughter) ….. the thought of just crossdressing occasionally and living off the “high” seems unacceptable to me. Maybe it’s part of my “control issues” but I abhor drugs and even being a slave to that adrenaline does not sit well. On the other hand I can totally imagine transitioning and becoming a woman but could never take the “drugs” involved, though I would love to have some hair removal and very minor plastic surgery someday.

These “control issues” of mine may just be another small part of the equation. Having recently lost my career, social position and all of my wealth including control of our household …. Is this just another overcompensation? It may be part of it. Controlling my body may be a solution to my lack of control much in the same as a young girl turns to anorexia. I feel it’s all very complicated and interconnected though I am guessing there is little that is unique about my situation.

Has anybody ever read Miss Fiorella’s essay on “So you want to be a T-girl”? I felt totally exhausted and beat up (it IS long) after reading it and somewhat depressed. It is bold in-your-face subjective honesty and somewhat shocking. Here’s the link:

http://www.missfiorella.com/t-girl.htm

Miss Fiorella TS Essay

I am fast losing interest in the internet and a “virtual” female existence. I almost never get to dress, my wife hates it and I stopped shaving my body almost a year ago just to make home life bearable. I suspect I am utterly out of balance and I tend to shore it up by remaining a friend and good listener to other girls and live vicariously through them.

Well .... I just started writing and this is what came out. It does feel good though just to get this down and published as convoluted as these thoughts may be.

-Miranda

9 comments:

Brielle Echo Whitney said...

Hi M,
I can so totally relate to the lack of wanting to be
a virtual girl, not that the last that ever was all of
me, but was begining to take more precidance than the
real world litmus test. I've gone through stages
throughout my life taking hormones, and then backing
off, mostly due to male oriented job obligations or
probably insecurities related to ridicule from
co~workers. I so applaud Steffanie for finding her
female would not be silenced anymore, and needed to
become the dominant personnae, and only personnae in
actuality. I like you retain alot of male, but even
more female, and find that I've been allowing the two
to blend to a much greater degree within the contest
of everyday life... I've always known that I'm female,
yet have to deal with that other 15%...which is very
much able to facilitate cocksure negotiations with
anyone... heck, I got a monthly parking space today
for 200 a month... upon leaving, the worker who took
my keys said that that was amazing, there has been a
waiting list for almost a year, and NOONE get's that
price...I just said bud, I'm just a working stiff like
you, and maybe you're boss understands the needs of
the regular guy trying to make things work over the
yuppie with the fast car & overbearing 'tude... ;D To
that end, and in a TG sense, in response to some
earlier post, which elused me at the moment..
Laurianna's I think... To be treated well and equal as
a human is the biggest compliment that we can bestow
upon each other...we all are the same naked in the
eyes of the beholder, and the unjudgemental out there
will see that implicitly... I've been lately treated
with much respect, even when people "get" that there
is something not quite what they had expected from the
initial view... That is very reasuring to me, that B
CAN & MUST have her life in the real world on an
escelating scale. I'll never go back, or back down to
anyone...love me, hate me, fine, but respect me for
who I believe I am...some fellow at a club on New
Years kept sayin' to me that he didn't like my
lifestyle... so I said..."and you're in a gay club" so
what's the differance? I think he secretly wished he
had the stones to reveal himself... but I was very
cordial, and sent him out link... maybe he will
reconsider what he said next time I see him... Anyway,
I just wanted to share here, as it's been a few
weeks... ;D Love to all, B !

Laurianna Payot said...

Dearest and Lovely Miranda Skye,

How I hope to share more with you in the coming days. There are so many ways to embrace ourselves, all whom we love, and all that we cherish. At times we have to deny some of the outward expressions of our feminine natures but never need we dim the warmly glowing light of the feminine within us.

No loss can arise from a gentle spirit nor from the love of beauty nor from your gving of so much love and beauty into the world. You can be joyful and positive in your feminine heart, dear. The rest will come.

Warmest Hugs,
with empathy and understanding,
and much much love,
Laurianna
Love and Light

Alexis Rene said...

Wow Miranda ! When I saw the title I was waiting to see pics of Jane and Henry Fonda from the movie 20+ years ago! ;)

I feel much the same as you in certain respects. A few of the similarities include tiring of a virtual girl mindset, Acceptance issues within and abound with the inner taking precedence, The activities you mentioned, knowing ya are different but unsure how to assemble the pieces etc.

On the activities summary I tried so hard to prove I was proper in birth that the thought of buying and doing things that most guys or my friends did trying to prove I was one of them became viable. I have gained an appreciation after doing such, For I have now traveled that road and realized all I accomplished was muting inner expression and exemplifying a false personna.

The acceptance issue(s) really strikes home as I have never been totally happy or accepting of who I am. No matter how great the accomplishment or how sad the failure in my thirty plus years, I remain searching deeper for another level within. The thinking was maybe I was trying to be a perfectionist, But am finding that it is more a fear in thought that if people look to long they will see right through me and find all the wholes in the armor. Although currently noticing my armor is looking like a block of Swiss cheese these days. Hindsight being my only guidance there.

Regardless of the path we choose to walk, We must follow a path to a happiness within while retaining many of the values and morals we we have in stock and have been apart of us as far as we can consciously remember, Conflicting in nature as they may seem. If we lose those in any path of growth, No building block we find in the future will stand upon.

I applaud the many, Who have threw caution to the wind in a sense and told the world "This is me, I found my plateau in which to build upon, I know who I am and content with such, So deal with it!"

Whatever that plateau may be, For each of us it will ring with a slight differance in meaning.
Granted it is probably not the psychologist recommended attitude but it very well maybe the path to get to the sanctity we are all seeking!

Much love girls, Alexis

Shari Williams said...

Wow, Alexis well written, as usual! I am pretty sure all TG individuals and most likely all non-TG individuals go through a process where they find and accept themselves. For most it is about accepting and being comfortable with whom they are. For TG individuals, there are a few more variables thrown in the mix, but the outcome is generally the same.

As a lot of TGs do, I participated in the most testosterone filled activities imaginable. But in hindsight I did so because I really loved doing it! It was an experience that I would not trade for the world. For some, such activities maybe a way of hiding their true feelings, but for others it may actually be what they want to do. That is where what I call the "dual gender" theory comes into play. I am sometimes amazed at our need to either categorize things as female or male (people, feelings, activities, clothes, etc). I know a female fighter pilot who is very feminine, and like wise I know a male ballet dancer who is very masculine. It is not our activities who make us what we are, it is our acceptance of all the parts (both female and male) that make up the wonderful and individual persons we are.

So instead of trying to hide or camouflage your feelings, let them out, confront them, get comfortable with them and accept them (be they male, female or both). They are after all what makes you the special individual you are. IMHO!

Miranda, I feel for you sis. In some small way I can relate. After telling my wife about Shari while we were dating, I was asked and then promised to put her away once we got married. I spent 10 years without Shari, and it was hard to do believe me. After those 10 years, I spent 2 more years talking, reassuring and compromising with my wife to allow Shari back into my life (the feelings never die). The process was slow, difficult and at times tough, but it was worth it. As you know, the feelings never really go away and until you can confront them and let you and your loved ones understand them, it will be hard to accept the feelings and the place they have in your life. Bringing my feelings to the forefront and explaining them to my wife with an unbridled honesty was the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best thing I have ever done.

I hope you can find peace within yourself and within your relationship!

Peace and love
Shari

Adarabeth Veau said...

Another posting I sooo desperately wanted to respond to...

Now for my 2 n a half scents worth...

First off, I would argue your point about being normal, my Miranda. You are just as normal as me... as any of us here - unique - this is the only normality I recognize. Now conformity... ok... guess we are not...

And it is complicated... dont kid yourself - the issues are grand...and the 'all elusive balance' equation is - well, a challenge...

Kinda like hangin ten in a 40 foot tunnel... not that this landlocked girl really knows what that is...my biggest ocean experience in Costa Rica was very nearly my last...

My heart so goes out to you. I am not one to be steam rolled by others so much anymore. If my wife told me I needed to remain hairy to keep her happy, well, guess she would be unhappy - lots. Her choice really. I can influence her happiness, but only she can decide whether she wants to be or not...

Virtual though, I have to agree, does not cut it. It is a bandaid at best, a blade at worst. Hence my desire to get on a plane however I want to dress. The airline in fact told me when I called them, that there are no rules about that. Other than coming aboard naked. Not really my cup o tea...

Support or not at home... tough one... I could not not express who I am. This does not mean I can be either gender whenever I want, it just means I empower myself and act accordingly. By letting others make my decisions for me, well, it is kinda like going to a restaurant and having the waiter order for me... then he eats and I pay. Just doesnt make sense...

Course your case is different than mine... or is it?

Most of the natural born females I lived with (5) were ok with my need to crossdress... I was fortunate in their tolerance or acceptance... not sure how they would react to my recent breast development... but my transition is much much greater than just the physical changes...

I have had the adrenline monkey on my back for most of my life. Not anymore...I embrace my experience monkey now... more tolerable...

I only mention it cuz I relate... we deal with our demons in whatever way we can.

My male brain wants me to find a solution for you, my female one just has ultimate compassion for you. Both say somehow you need to communicate with your wife to free that part of you that holds you back from being all you are.

And you are who you are, no matter what anyone else says/sees...

If you truly want to express it, you will find the way to make it happen...

Tight rope of discovery, individualistic.

I wish i could hold you more than just in my heart to help you walk the path...

But all I can do, is assure to you that the path is there, and as I walk my own, leave a beacon - always there - and always will be...

Alexis leaves a beacon, Brielle, Aly, Lauren - shall I name all the girls here - I think your own personal list is even greater isnt it Miranda?

Know this, my dear - you are not alone... we are here for you. We all want to see you be the best person you can be. And we all will hold you hand, your spirit on your journey...

I am sure I can say this with certainty...

Much love,

Adarabeth

Adarabeth Veau said...

See Miranda...

Thank you Shari, your voice and experience is so eloquent...

The more I interact in our community, the more of an oddball I feel I am...

Almost every single NBF I have ever shared my female side with was cool with it... many of the males have been too... I do not understand why so many others have met so much opposition...

Even now, in an environment where the redneck, homophobes generally have no tolerance, I am accepted (although I will admit I do not wear a skirt to work)...

Ultimately, confidence and assertiveness I think will open more doors than self depreciating focus.

My wife likes to tell me "The universe gives you exactly what you want. We attract into our lives what we project. We manifest our desires."

50% choice 50% chance - we are the masters of our own destiny - at least half the time anyway...

And I love the fact you point out Shari - many of the stuff we have done we did cuz we wanted to... and enjoyed it. And confronting the feelings (those things boys are taught to ignore) is a better way to deal with them... embrace them, celebrate them - even the ugly ones - makes us human regardless of sex.

Better than rowing out on a golden pond hoping to catch the big one.

But than if that is your way of going there... by all means...

Adarabeth

Michele Angelique said...

Re: On Golden Pondering...

Dear Miranda,

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I must say, after reading "Miss Fiorella TS Essay" I certainly understand why you were pondering when you wrote this. I was only able to get half-way through her article before the bile started rising in my throat. This is not a pleasant read, my dear! The author is so bitter, so harsh, so misfortunate. She labels transgendered people into cut-and-dried categories, then proceeds to rant on about the trials and tribulations of every TS's life. She makes it seem that a huge fatalistic choice must be made, throwing one's life completely away, describing every possible worst-case scenario, as though it were most likely to happen. She makes no allowance for living a harmonious duality of male/female, compares supportive partners to "winning a lottery", and is harshly pessimistic about the ability of a TS person to maintain any part of the former male life (ie: marriage, career, family). I simply couldn't read the whole article, it was too discouraging. No wonder you felt beat-up!

I think part of your angst stems from this internal pressure that your TG journey should follow a linear progressive path toward some end. It may be due to your inner drive and self-competitive nature where you always want to beat your last best score. It seems you either want to take Miranda to some different level, or shut her out altogether. Perhaps it is possible to focus more in the moment, just dwelling today on the feminine gifts that you already have, rather than wishing for something else. Let your feminine energy flow naturally, and let its warmth envelope you, rather than trying to push/pull it in some certain direction.

Wherever your lifepath takes you, Miranda will be there too. No matter whether you choose to keep her inside, or bring her out on the surface, her presence lives within you. You mention fast losing interest in the internet and virtual female existence, yet this is the only self-expression that Miranda has at the moment. Every time you go online, Miranda takes a breath of air. Maybe she's bored, but at least she's breathing! And remember, you don't have to be "dressed" to be her... gender is 98% in the brain, the rest is just icing on the cake.

This being said, is there any way you could take time to dress up once in awhile? As Adara mentioned, self-empowerment is required in some situations. You feel disempowered right now because you don't have the same career position as you once did, yet you still have the right to *be* who you are. Such personal choices as dressing and esthetics do not harm anyone, so you should take the liberty to do what makes you happy. If you are happy, you will be a better spouse and parent. This is a win-win cycle.

When pondering how far to allow Miranda to come out, remember there is a big spectrum of options in between occasional CD'ing and full time transitioning. Just relax dear, don't be so goal-oriented. You don't need to make any big life-altering decisions right now. Just blossom into your femininity one petal at a time.

Thank you again Miranda for posting this contribution, and for always being a wonderful friend and sister to us all.

With much love,
Michele

Miranda Skye said...

Thank you Michele ....... I think you have, once again, hit many of my "issues" dead on. Another's perpective is SO important. I had read Miss Fiorella's essay a while back actually and wanted to get other's take on it then. I had only "skimmed" it again before placing this post. It certainly dwells on the negative aspects huh? My 1st impression was to also dismiss as much of it as possible. Even being a GG I think Michele shows true wisdom in her reaction............ but I would STILL like any other TG's "take" on it still :

Miss Fiorella TS Essay

After reading the essay it WAS very inspirational to read more positive stories from THIS link that Michele pointed out :

Inspirational TS Stories

Thank you all. I would love to hear more. It's kinda a rough time for me right now. -Miranda

Marlena Dahlstrom said...

As far as Miss Fiorella's essay, I don't know the author, but I once
did a little googling and it does seem like she's a real person, who
ended up doing tranny porn at some point. So I think her intent was to
be a bit of cold water in the face to those in the midst of the "pink
haze." I've seen a more than couple people who've gotten carried away
with "gender euphoria" and there's definitely some TSs who actively
encourage others to transition from subtly to blatantly. (The first
thing one TS said to me was that she knew a good surgeon when I was
ready....)

So despite the essay's many flaws (in my experience TSs don't
necessary understand CDs any more than lay people do -- and she's
definitely one of those) and it's obvious bitterness, it's actually
something I've recommended to people on a number of occasions.

It's pretty clear she's of the "SRS or suicide" school of thought, and
as Michele said there are a variety of other possibilities there. But
one of the main things that people seem to forget is that
transitioning isn't a magic bullet -- you're still "you" in very real
ways (which incidentally was a point made in "Transamerica," which I
saw this weekend).

I think a lot of it has to do whether you've become centered before
considering transition. Those have gotten their heads together seem to
go on to lead happy, succesful lives in spite whatever social,
economic, etc. hardships transitioning causes them. But there are a
number of others who go in dysfunctional and remain so afterwards,
they're just dysfunctional with a different set of genitals.

Marlena