On Golden Pondering
(By Miranda Skye)
I have thought a lot about the evolution and psychology of aging as a TG and how it affects me. Being so deep in denial and deep in the closet my whole life I had had no information of any kind about my options. I knew I wasn’t gay but I definitely knew I wasn’t normal.
I have never “binged and purged” my closet …. I just held the line so tightly that I refused to fall off. I kept to dangerous testosterone filled activities but as the years progressed it finally all came to a head.
The first time after a full make-over the feeling was so intoxicating I “knew” things would never be the same. But being a perfectionist has given me doubts about whether I am just “stuck” on perfecting my feminine persona or is my brain really “wired” as a woman. The thing I know for sure is that I am miserable if I don’t “self talk” my way each day into a Buddhist style of acceptance.
If I were ever to separate from my wife and young child (cannot imagine ever abandoning my young daughter) ….. the thought of just crossdressing occasionally and living off the “high” seems unacceptable to me. Maybe it’s part of my “control issues” but I abhor drugs and even being a slave to that adrenaline does not sit well. On the other hand I can totally imagine transitioning and becoming a woman but could never take the “drugs” involved, though I would love to have some hair removal and very minor plastic surgery someday.
These “control issues” of mine may just be another small part of the equation. Having recently lost my career, social position and all of my wealth including control of our household …. Is this just another overcompensation? It may be part of it. Controlling my body may be a solution to my lack of control much in the same as a young girl turns to anorexia. I feel it’s all very complicated and interconnected though I am guessing there is little that is unique about my situation.
Has anybody ever read Miss Fiorella’s essay on “So you want to be a T-girl”? I felt totally exhausted and beat up (it IS long) after reading it and somewhat depressed. It is bold in-your-face subjective honesty and somewhat shocking. Here’s the link:
Miss Fiorella TS Essay
I am fast losing interest in the internet and a “virtual” female existence. I almost never get to dress, my wife hates it and I stopped shaving my body almost a year ago just to make home life bearable. I suspect I am utterly out of balance and I tend to shore it up by remaining a friend and good listener to other girls and live vicariously through them.
Well .... I just started writing and this is what came out. It does feel good though just to get this down and published as convoluted as these thoughts may be.