Who Are We Trying to Be?
(by Samantha Leigh)
One of my deep ponderings of the latter part of last year relates to 'Chelle's recent post of spoiling the pass and this recent hair removal "Why' question. I've been working on being the best possible version of me, which of course would be different at the end from anyone else, but our quest might be similar enough.
The short answer to 'Chelle's question, in that I think she is similiar enough to me, is that she wants ACCEPTANCE. Accept me for who I am, come after me with pitchforks; because of who I am, but do not waste my time with false premises wrong ideas, even if they seem helpful in the short term. Love me or Hate me but please do it for the right reasons.
There are many pieces of extra baggage that "We" crossdressers pick up along the way. Skills we are not necessarily aware of. We are experts at concealling who we are, from other people and from ourselves. Most of us here have been experienced earlier in life at portraying the 'Man" other people expected us to be. Doing things we were not enthusiastic about just to fit in, whether clothing, or mannerisms, or conversations. You just don't talk about your favorite color of Nail polish in the guys locker room. We lived as a manlier version of the men we actually were.
When we get to the point of exploring our selves and arrive online in the CD, TG pick your label community, before many of us figure out much of anything we are faced with a brand new set of expectations. The pendulum swings. Can you remember the defining point when you stopped thinking of yourself as an inaduquate man and started thinking of your self as an inaduquate woman? ;-)
A lot of what is proffered as 'support' to the 'community' is an exchange of one set of problems for another. An exchange of a a false masculine fascade for a false femmenine fascade. The support groups are full of "you really should do this" advice. I feel that meeting our TG peers expectations of our femmenine selves can lead us down the wrong path as much as Society at large's masculine expetation of us.
The two parodies I see most often are the slut and the hyper-femme. We wax on about the problems of the slut often enough. The hyper-femme, the TG that wants to out Femme the women is another type. Having a learned responce from the masculine world of caving in to expectation, I think many of us in the femmenine realm go overboard the same way. From the "of course I'm a Man" to the "of course I'm a woman", to the point of claiming to be out doing women.
'Chelle was around for my TG newby days on another list. My wife having arrived before me was provided a laundry list of "your husband should do this or dire consequences may occur later in life". I went from tottal non-dressing denial to the Mall En Femme in 90days. The support group you find yourself in tends to reproduce a given cookie cutter version of CDs. The slut lists will reproduce more of the same. Some lists, the hyperfemme. Others the "oh my wife oppresses me".
How many have you have seen threads in another group about what a CD observed at the Mall about women. Most of these threads tend not to be revealing of anything useful and usually harp on how unwoman like women are; or some obscure behavior of women and how does one reproduce it. Wives on lists are always thrilled about these threads.
Another thread is the CDs buying femmenine hygene products and finding innovative ways to make use of it. I think this out does the Bikini line question. This is clearly a pointless emulation excercise. I am a woman---- women use tampons---- I must use tampons. Even if you think you're a woman trapped in a mans body, your mans body ain't menstrating. My wife once wanted to reach through the computer and slap some silly CD who was going on and on about how they wish they could have a period.
Human nature and observation will tell us that not all natal women are alike. I'm pretty sure that no single woman has all of what we could list about womanhood and femmeninity. There seems to be a flow in our community to be "all the woman you can be"; it's part of that pyramid that puts TS at the pinnacle. Even if you knock the top off the pyramid there seems a striving for the level below the pinnacle, a superiority over the levels below. I can pass you can't; I wear higher heals and/or shorter skirts; I dress 100% En Femme more often; I wear more femmenine clothes; I remove more hair than you; etc in the CD olympic games.
Lacey Leigh often discusses conforming to societal constructions of gender duality. I believe that CDs themselves are the largest proponents of maintaining this duality. People pendulum swinging from conformity to a masculine construct to conformity to a femmenine construct (or a parody there of). I think within the TG persons education is a great sense to cave in to peer presure, at first society at large and later the CD community expectation.
For those of you still awake, my point or question is.... Are you trying to be a woman, or are you trying to be yourself? Are you trying to be the best version of yourself you possibly can be or are you trying to be someone else? Were you happy at the initial joy of your crossdressing experience but still feel like something is missing? Do you find yourself doing something silly because you read it online? Real psychologically healthy women don't TRY to be women. 'Chelle is one of the first people I met online and still know. Although we have only met once I think we both have enjoyed watching each other grow from afar. 'Chelle, I think you have ascended, you don't want to pass as a woman; You do pass as a person! You may still have goals you want to achieve, but I suspect you are now comfortable with yourself.
For me it started with my wife saying something like" You're just going to the supermarket for a few things, you don't need to put on make up." I'm more than Make up and clothing deep. My femmeninity is part of being the best version of me I can be. It's not an escape from my reality. I'm not worried that my kids calling me Daddy means that people know I'm not a woman. I know I'm at peace being me. I'm transgendered, I just pass easier as a man than I do as a woman. I like to think I pass as a real person all the time.
I hope this has given everyone something to chew on.