Am I transgendered?

(by Michele Angelique)

I recently commented that I’ve always felt like a man “trapped” in a woman’s body, and received several responses questioning whether I am identifying myself as transgendered by making this statement. I say “trapped” with tongue in cheek, because I would never want it any other way.

I used to work as a stock broker, in a position where all of my peers were older men. These men seemed to easily recognize and accept my inherant masculinity and started calling me Michael, Mikey or just Mike (my name is Michele). One day after market close we were having drinks, and I proudly proclaimed to this group of manly-men that I am a “gay man trapped in a woman’s body”. They all laughed, and one of them even pointed out the irony of my statement by saying, “well then how the hell are you trapped?”.

Paradoxically, my comment didn't phase these guys. If it had been a man saying the same in reverse, the social consequences might have been different. Pondering more closely upon the subject it would be most accurate to say that in spirit I am a gay male crossdresser residing very comfortably in a petite female body.

To explain what I mean...

1) By gay, I mean that my relationship preference has in the past always been with men, so if I were in a man's body I would be considered gay (although more recently I would consider myself bisexual, or better yet, pansexual).

2) By male I mean I have an abundance of yang energy. I have always related more easily to men, been more interested in male dominated career pursuits like finance and business, excelled in male dominated educational subjects like math and science, I tend to be aggressive and competitive with males, and generally lack in most feminine interests or qualities.

3) By crossdresser I mean because I adore femmie clothing, makeup, shoes, so much that if I were in a man's body I would be a crossdresser. My exterior is about the only thing about me that is blatently female, except when working I wear dark colored power suits to fit in with the guys. So in spirit I feel like a gay male who crossdresses as often as possible, but only because I love having a female exterior. Despite my masculine personality, I prefer to be recognized as female. I am not at all the stereotypical “butch” woman.

So with the spirit of a gay male crossdresser, I'm lucky to have a female body because people think I'm just a straight female dressed as a woman. I’ve always felt like I’m somehow in disguise, like I have a little secret. I have never felt any urge to change this, or to hide my femininity. I wouldn't give up the very real power that comes with feminine allure for anything.

Since my inner self (male) does not match my outer shell (female), am I transgendered? It may be so, I’ve just never looked at it that way before. Or is the definition of transgendered based upon feelings of pain and anguish caused by the inner/outer gender mismatch? While knowing I have a male spirit, I want to continue living in a female body. Do I fit the definition of transgendered?

I am very interested in receiving some different viewpoints on this topic, so please do share your thoughts.

Comments

Dee Femina said…
This is an interesting question and one to which I've been pondering the answer to for several months. The reason for my interest is that a good friend of mine also feels that she is "a gay man in the body of a woman".

I spent 45 minuntes on typing my detailed response to your question, but as I hit the "publish" button, the website or my browser froze up.......damn @&%@#, etc, etc.

Anyway, I'll rethink and rewrite my more detailed, and undoubtedly rambling response if anyone is interested. But in short, my conclusion was as follows:

I am a person with a predominantly female mind in a male body and by and large I'm comfortable with that combination...although it would be great if I could dress femme all the time and if I had a more feminine body. And I am unquestionably transgendered.

You, Michele, are a person with a predominantly male mind in a female body.

That's exactly the same as me, except the inverse. So yes, you absolutely are transgendered.

You are also the ultimate crossdresser...a guy who has the looks of a beautiful woman!! What a dream situation!!
Thank so much Dee! Yes, you understood my point completely... the "ultimate crossdresser", that's a great way to put it! Lucky me!:)) I never identified myself as transgendered, but it certainly explains why I'm so drawn to this community. While I'm not fond of labels, "transgendered" is certainly one I will wear with pride. It makes me more interesting.

I simply love the duality... the juxtaposition between male and female... gender benders are very sexy in my eyes.

Thanks again Dee, for your feedback on this issue.

Much love,
Michele
adarabeth said…
Here is my take:

the short answer (surprise surprise )...

yes, u are as transgendered as the rest of us, only in a much more societally accepted place... and with one other mental twist (ahem I assume u dont dress up to satisfy/celebrate your transgenderedism)

granted, u perceive some risks associated with the changes in your work / income, but your ability to blend as a GG is much much more comfortably tolerated in society... for example u can wear anything u want, anywhere u want (especially at work) and would never really get challenged... I work in the oil and gas industry in alberta - well known for its ol' boy mentality and less than open minded policies - if i were to wear anything that remotely resembled something feminine I would immediately be branded and targeted...

that being said, I still do... every day and have for years...

Labels are so funny. They help us define the obvious to help us find out where we belong... but they can also brand us or limit us to become more than the definition...

Beauty, true beauty is not what one sees in the mirror - but rather what one has in their heart. The mirror doesnt lie, just the mind, but it is the heart that really reflects the soul. Labels are just part of the illusion. You are a beautiful woman without question Michele. And as you evolve through this path and spread your warmth for those seeking to understand, maybe someday we will get over all the labels that restrict who we are. And learn to embrace the whole person - both ying and yang...
And yes, you are the ultimate crossdresser, because you are not only totally comfortable no matter what you wear wherever you wear it, but more importantly are completely accepted... because of you true beauty and soul...

Adarabeth
tnfh117 said…
Amazing to see you post this. I have felt the same way all of my life, but never met another woman in the same situation. I also relate much better to men and feel alienated when suddenly thrust into a circle of women.

Biologically female, mentally male - sexually attracted to men. It's a very strange place to be in, as no one seems to see anything wrong with it. It still _feels_ strange though, and it's hard to find anyone to relate to.

I sort of understand where mine came from - always a tomboy, late bloomer(15) and devastated by the uncontrollable changes in my body when they did come. When those changes came, they came on fast. I started feeling sexual urges for males, yet was not feeling mentally/socially connected with female peers. So I had no friends to talk to and was also living in a 'we don't even THINK about sex in this house' religious family.

Growing up I felt like a boy trapped in a strange new female body who needed the right man to make him feel like there was a 'reason for it all.' I really wanted to be a boy - but belong to a strong man, and be a true biological female for him when he wanted me. It was a complete fantasy - could never happen, but I was trying to understand my feelings.

When I got married the first time I was clueless about sex. I had avoided it in all but my fantasies because of my mother's taboo on anything sexual. My first husband really was mismatched physically with me, he was actually too large - and sex was painful. For several years I thought that it was normal to have that level of pain as long as some pleasure came with it. Finally have a good man who fits me properly. When it comes to sex he makes me understand why I have this body while at the same time respecting and enjoying my technical mind.
Manda said…
Wow, I thought I was just crazy! I can totally identify with your situation – I’m practically exactly the same. I did a lot of thinking about it over the past year, ‘cause I feel like a gay guy, but I don’t want to change my body. Thank you – your post has done a lot to help me figure out who I am.
Anonymous said…
Hi, so I'm not alone:)! I'm a girl outside and a gay guy inside. I always had a feeling that something is not right about my body and it took me quite a long time to realize the truth. On the other side, I'm considering a body change, but I'm still not sure about it.
Jaxen said…
I was doing a search on female to male trangendered people when i found this post.
I cannot say what you are, that is up to you. My opinion is that you are probably transgendered, perhaps genderqueer or one of the definitions of the term Boi, as there are a few. Whatever label you are comfortable with is good enough for me. Gender is not such an easy thing for some of us; its not just checking a box.
As for me, I have no doubt that I am a gay man in a female body. I have felt this way, with some periods of great intensity and discomfort, since I was around 18. I write gay male literature almost exclusively. I pretend to be a male in my mind in order to fall asleep and enjoy sex. And for the last year and a half, I have been living as a male on the internet and have "fooled" dozens and dozens of people, simply by being my inner self when I write and using my male identity name of Jack. It's effortless. I am 41 and I believe that I may now be at the point where I don't think i can go on comfortably or sanely with my outsides not matching my insides. I envy those of you who can. I may start cross dressing as a male to see if this helps me feel more comfortable. If that proves successful, I think its time for serious psychotherapy and perhaps a committment to have gender reassignment if that is what it takes. This is all terrifying to me. I'm a petite and kinda pretty female with a handsome boyfriend who is not gay and who I will probably lose in this process. I wish I could feel the comfort you feel in your female body. I did for years, but the last year and a half especially have proven to me that it may be time to take the next scary steps for my own mental health.
Wish me luck.
Anonymous said…
For me, this is a difficult issue whether one is a male in a female body or female in a male there is confusion. For me, this confusion started at an early age, and to make it worse I was raised by older females determined to make me a MAN, then there was religion. Today, at 62 and still male, I have grown accustom to the wondering about the what ifs that have played and continue to do so throughout my mind.

Probably as early as my teens I knew something was wrong with me and my attitude. I just didn’t fit, mentally, in the male stereotype. I abhorred fighting, never liked hurting people or animals, would rattler play a supportive role than lead, build rather than tear down, prefer to let others win, etc.

BUT, I have not lived my preferences, my time in the military was quite aggressive, I’ve raced cars, built houses, tracked and hunted game, was almost killed several times in accidents and have risen to a peak point in my career once making 6 figures a year, was married, raised a child, adopted and raised two troubled teenagers and provided extremely well for my family. I had great sex with women and still can drink with the best of them. However, I would have rather lived my life as a poorer female and have done less with my life.

Society demanded that I conform and I did, keeping my mouth shut and living the perfect life until several years ago my child now married and living across the country and a fat bank account with no bills, I tossed it all out the window leaving home, money and wife behind. Not to worry say she will be well cared for the rest of her life. She wouldn’t (didn’t) understand my feelings when I didn’t want to argue, go out with the guys and became more of a loner and wanted to get away from the aggressiveness of the male workforce I was in. No I never told her or anyone about my female feelings, I just left then got an attorney and physiologist whom I told the truth to. Thank God, if there is such, they understood and accepted that all I wanted to do is leave everything to her and start a new life.

I just couldn’t live the lie anymore. I still don’t have the guts to change and live the trans lifestyle yet, but I am happier now than ever before in my 62 years knowing that I can make the change and I am working toward it. Having started over without a cent to my name it is not important now if I ever do, what is important is I am now comfortable with my inner thoughts and can express them, maybe not as openly as I would like yet, but I am morphing. I understand my feelings when I look at another man, although I have never had sex with one, I can understand why I feel that, if I had the right equipment, I would and it doesn’t make me gay.

You may say this doesn’t fit in your story, but hopefully if there is a younger person out there struggling with the same feelings, they should know they are not alone. It is important not to be miserable in a life that is not yours. Start seeking help NOW, get comfortable with your real self and don’t let society, religion or even loved ones who if they really loved you would encourage and support you to get in tough with the real you rather than direct you into something you really don’t want. If you are uncertain of who your are; deal with it, get it out in the open, you will be a much happier individual even if you do suffer the loss of material possessions you can’t put a price on the inner peace of knowing who you really are, male or female in whatever skin, there is help.
Fleetfoot said…
Ironically enough I recently said exactly the same to my friend.. (rather unknowingly)
Two weeks later and a couple of books, I came out to myself and that same friend as trans..
Thanks for the post :)
Sarah said…
I have never thought I would find people who feel the same way as I do. I am seen as a heterosexual so no one thinks that I am different. All of my friends that are male call me one of the guys and many have told me that I am part male but to them they are joking. I know the truth. I know what I am. I am much like you.. I would totally be a crossdresser if I were male and I would be gay but I do like male clothing every once and a while but for a girl it is only seen as a tom boy but I love to dress up cute a lot of the time but I know I am just not a tomboy.
i feel alone though. My friends are male and I love all of them but the only males I have been attracted to are gay. They all connect with me like they never have another female but could never be with me because I am female. I am trapped. I am alone.
Anonymous said…
It sounds to me like you're a "tomboy" who conforms to role expectations regarding dress only (i.e. not behavior or attitude)... Anyhow, I'm glad your experiences with men have been positive. You seem more outgoing and confident than I am, but otherwise, we are similar except that my experiences with males have not been positive. I had to pretend to be more female than I really am back in college. Men seem to hate masculine men in my experience - they took me as a threat even though I wasn't and didn't want to be. I still have to pretend at work although luckily I usually work alone. I too am not "maternal", "friendly", etc. I loved math and the hard sciences like chemistry and physics - I even have a degree in math. I'm not transgendered, but I feel like I'm some strange 3rd gender - neither male nor female but some patch work mutant with qualities of both. Unfortunately, I am "attractive" and "soft"/"sweet" looking (the cover doesn't match the book's content), so I'm treated like a woman - and a dumb, naive one at that (i.e. spoken down to, patronized, attempts to "get me out of my shell"/"make sure I don't get lonely" instead of fucking off, have "help" imposed on me, etc.). It's humilating, so I can certainly empathize with transexuals; society needs to recognize that a book can't always be judged by its cover. Nobody should be pressed into acting or feeling certain ways because of how they look.

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