A Rock and a Rock
Who among us has walked a path fully knowing? How many of us, have always known even what was in our hearts all of the time?
The wise of old said, “Know thy self O man”. Why would they say that? They would say it, because we don’t always know WHO we are. None of us have come here fully knowing. We find out who we are by living. Experience teaches, and we become forged by virtue of it. That is the reason for this journey. The reason we were born. We have come here to know, and find our reasons for being.
People may marvel at someone that brakes through to the other side, from a life unknowing to one fully realized, and wonder, how could this person have not known what they were? All the while they could ask this question of someone else and not even know themselves. That perhaps is the greatest marvel of all, we are so forgetful. We forget where we came from and the mark of one wandering this life without a clue to who they really are themselves, is a judgmental heart with its black tongue.
What does a transgender person do when they finally come to know themselves? Let us say such a person had some inklings of what they were in a distant past as a child, does that mean that the knowledge this child naturally possessed will not falter? What child has the fortitude to overcome the waves of what is expected? Due to the overwhelming fact for most of us, we are taught very early on, that in order to be loved, we must abide by certain rules. A man to dress as a women is not one, in fact is one of the greatest of shames. We are taught a way of thinking so as to further deny our truest natures, and we can build a wall in all of our reason so great so as to hide even from ourselves!
And finally, one day as it becomes particularly clear, as the soul says ENOUGH, our mirrors become the telling place of an old forgotten nightmare for which we have no control, just like every other nightmare, all must be faced and WILL surface at anytime. By now and with the purest intention and with the only truths we have known, only to ignore the ones that would keep us from being loved, we have fallen in love, gotten married, have children, jobs, friends, churches, and dreams that belong to that shell we once were just yesterday, and the hopes of little faces look up at us for guidance, and the proud faces of old watch us carry their touches that they no longer have the strength to bare, and hope in us too.
We go into our lonely rooms and then we ask, “what should I do?”, I turn to the left, there is a rock, and turn to the right, there is a hard place. On one rock it is written a very, very large word, so large you can barely read it, it says LIE. Lie for them. Lie for yourself. Don’t tell them, don’t destroy all that you have done, and do not put your family to such a test. Don’t bring this shame upon everyone.
On the other rock it is written in the smallest of letters, like a tiny little voice calling from a dark lonely cave, TRUTH. Tell them the truth because they need to know you. Tell them the truth because you can not be happy lying to all you love, and therefore you cannot give them the joy you want for them, because you yourself have none, because your life is a lie. After agonizing thought and trial of process, you realize the weight of your own lie ment to save them is crushing your loved ones slowly, and all faces including your own will find a premature death, the kind that does not wait for the grave. As you slowly suck the life from all you love, and wait for the next pass to be yourself so you can be the one your hearts really want.
Guilt when you turn to the left, and guilt when you turn to the right. All you have is the “lie” and the “truth”. Which stone will you choose? Which stone would your family what for you? All the while guilt is choking your life out, like not even the most brutal warrior could.
Contracts? Meaningless vanity and illusions. Life ignores our contracts and we all fall to the destinies that are much larger then we can ever hope to be. No contract with loved ones, jobs, churches, and dreams is without vulnerability to what befalls us in this life. This is not a game! This is not dress up! There is no “choice”, how ridiculous! Do we at birth, choose the time of our death? This is life. This is what happens when we make contracts and plans.
Truth…its seems like such a small word sometimes. But it is the ultimate savior, and in our vain crying and shame and anger it WILL be the last word we will utter. Because as much as one wishes the opposite were true, you cannot fully love if you live a lie.
The wise of old said, “Know thy self O man”. Why would they say that? They would say it, because we don’t always know WHO we are. None of us have come here fully knowing. We find out who we are by living. Experience teaches, and we become forged by virtue of it. That is the reason for this journey. The reason we were born. We have come here to know, and find our reasons for being.
People may marvel at someone that brakes through to the other side, from a life unknowing to one fully realized, and wonder, how could this person have not known what they were? All the while they could ask this question of someone else and not even know themselves. That perhaps is the greatest marvel of all, we are so forgetful. We forget where we came from and the mark of one wandering this life without a clue to who they really are themselves, is a judgmental heart with its black tongue.
What does a transgender person do when they finally come to know themselves? Let us say such a person had some inklings of what they were in a distant past as a child, does that mean that the knowledge this child naturally possessed will not falter? What child has the fortitude to overcome the waves of what is expected? Due to the overwhelming fact for most of us, we are taught very early on, that in order to be loved, we must abide by certain rules. A man to dress as a women is not one, in fact is one of the greatest of shames. We are taught a way of thinking so as to further deny our truest natures, and we can build a wall in all of our reason so great so as to hide even from ourselves!
And finally, one day as it becomes particularly clear, as the soul says ENOUGH, our mirrors become the telling place of an old forgotten nightmare for which we have no control, just like every other nightmare, all must be faced and WILL surface at anytime. By now and with the purest intention and with the only truths we have known, only to ignore the ones that would keep us from being loved, we have fallen in love, gotten married, have children, jobs, friends, churches, and dreams that belong to that shell we once were just yesterday, and the hopes of little faces look up at us for guidance, and the proud faces of old watch us carry their touches that they no longer have the strength to bare, and hope in us too.
We go into our lonely rooms and then we ask, “what should I do?”, I turn to the left, there is a rock, and turn to the right, there is a hard place. On one rock it is written a very, very large word, so large you can barely read it, it says LIE. Lie for them. Lie for yourself. Don’t tell them, don’t destroy all that you have done, and do not put your family to such a test. Don’t bring this shame upon everyone.
On the other rock it is written in the smallest of letters, like a tiny little voice calling from a dark lonely cave, TRUTH. Tell them the truth because they need to know you. Tell them the truth because you can not be happy lying to all you love, and therefore you cannot give them the joy you want for them, because you yourself have none, because your life is a lie. After agonizing thought and trial of process, you realize the weight of your own lie ment to save them is crushing your loved ones slowly, and all faces including your own will find a premature death, the kind that does not wait for the grave. As you slowly suck the life from all you love, and wait for the next pass to be yourself so you can be the one your hearts really want.
Guilt when you turn to the left, and guilt when you turn to the right. All you have is the “lie” and the “truth”. Which stone will you choose? Which stone would your family what for you? All the while guilt is choking your life out, like not even the most brutal warrior could.
Contracts? Meaningless vanity and illusions. Life ignores our contracts and we all fall to the destinies that are much larger then we can ever hope to be. No contract with loved ones, jobs, churches, and dreams is without vulnerability to what befalls us in this life. This is not a game! This is not dress up! There is no “choice”, how ridiculous! Do we at birth, choose the time of our death? This is life. This is what happens when we make contracts and plans.
Truth…its seems like such a small word sometimes. But it is the ultimate savior, and in our vain crying and shame and anger it WILL be the last word we will utter. Because as much as one wishes the opposite were true, you cannot fully love if you live a lie.
Comments
http://genderevolve.blogspot.com/2006/08/rock-and-rock.html
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Thank you Amara,
AMEN SISTER!!!
You have come forth with such a powerful piece of writing in part due to emotions triggered by the narrow minded hostility of some people lately... those who critisize with no basis for understanding. You have hit upon many key issues, highlighting arguments which some people cling to as justification for treating others unfairly.
Some people still believe that transgenderism is a "choice" which can be "cured". I cannot fathom why anyone would "choose" something so challenging. Being TG is one of the most difficult paths imaginable, why would anyone choose it on a whim? Furthermore, if transgenderism could be "cured", why have there been no documented cases of anyone who has been cured? To date, I have never come across anyone who considers themself a "reformed TG" or a "previous TG". No one I know of has identified themselves as having eliminated their TG feelings via special therapy of any kind. The only therapy I've ever heard being effective is when a TG person is allowed to express themselves without fear. It is when a TG person is respected and loved as their true self, that is the real therapy!
Some people feel TG individuals "knew all along" the full extent of their gender identity, and chose to be "deceptive". I cannot fathom how anyone could take this position either. How could TG people of today's generation have known? Growing up in the 50's to 90's, there wasn't much information available, common understanding of the TG phenomenon was slim to none. Without any frame of reference for their TG feelings growing up, how could they have "known" something NO ONE really knew of at the time?? The only thing TG people knew for sure was the feelings were confusing and frightening. They knew that others wouldn't approve, and perhaps they even suffered harsh punishment for attempting to express themselves. As "men" of this generation their only coping mechanism for the unnamed feeling was to try and shut it away, block it out. How on earth can they be blamed for this?
It is only now in the 21st century when the internet has facilitated open communication among people around the world, that it is being realized by so many "males" that they are not alone in these feelings. The past 10 years of internet awakening has been nothing short of a revelation for thousands of TG individuals who have found kindred spirits around the world.
Some people argue that it is selfish for a TG person to come true, while others proclaim it is selfish to lie. This is such a catch-22! Is it better to live a miserable existence, lying to oneself and the world, becoming repressed, bitter and angry in the process? Or is it possible that would be a waste of precious life energy? Should it not be considered that mental and emotional balance are prerequisite to reaching our potential in life, thus enabling us to have a far more positive impact on our loved ones and the world at large? Life's too short to live a lie! You are so right in the analogy Amara, that society puts TG people between a "rock and a rock".
Thanks for sharing your passionate voice Amara. I am with you 150% sister.
Much love,
Michele