Sunday, November 13, 2005

Ever so foolish...

(by Alysyn Ayrica)

Forgive me if this is something that seems ridiculous, but the closer it gets to the anniversary of Jenn's death, the more I find myself dwelling on her.

Throughout the year I've been struggling with this loss, but no amount of crying dispels the hurt.

I wrote this letter, which I plan on setting on her gravesite November 30th, the day before, as to avoid any chance meetings with her mother (a whole different set of emotions...don't get me started!):

Dear Jenny,

When you left, you took a promise with you.

You married me to escape a life, and, instead, found someone in whom you could hide. You said that you didn’t love me at first, but, in time, learned that I was worthy to be loved. I can’t find it in myself to agree to that, but you never failed to find your way back to me, and I could never let you go.

The pain we experienced in the short time we had together was excruciating, but somehow it performed as an adhesive to bind us in ways that confounded the rest of our family, and even many of our friends. They saw the closeness we shared, and knew without a doubt that I worshipped you.

We fought a battle that exceeded the bounds of fairness and consideration. In the end, we discovered that we were strong enough to put aside the concerns of our families and only see the truth of what must be done in each other. We knew that the happiness of our children was more important than our pride and anger.

We made a promise to each other…for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...we remembered that there were more important considerations in this life than our own desires. We remembered why we stayed together all those years, through the difficulties that seemed to plague us. We found each other again.

Sitting in that courthouse, the hardest thing in the world for me was sitting there, looking into your eyes, and telling you that I missed my Jenny; and your response made void all of the heartache, because you came back to me.

Two weeks later you were gone.

I have tried to tell myself that it is better, because now there is quiet. You can no more cause the chaos you were so adept at creating. You were so sick, and there was nothing that I could say to make you understand that it was something you needed to take more seriously. I knew that, one day, you would die…sooner than anyone else expected; but I always thought I would have the chance to be at your side, saying goodbye. I never even got that much.

I was supposed to see you in a couple of days, and we were going to spend time together with the kids. Why couldn’t you at least have waited a few more days?

Jenny, I have tried to move on. I have dated, fallen in love, and have been hurt more in this last year trying to prove to myself that I can continue living in your absence.

But I can’t. You have become a stone in my heart.

I wake up each morning, the sun across my bed, reminding me of so many mornings when I would turn and just stare at your beauty. Often I would wake you by tracing your hairline with my fingers, feeling your silken hair which fascinated me for so many years.

I still see the often elusive green in your eyes shining up at me, and that smile which forced me to dream of many brilliant possibilities of lives to come. I remember the way your top lip crinkled when you kissed me, or the funny way your mouth would move to one side when you were feeling mischevious. I hear your laugh, and wonder if I can ever share those memories with our children when they are old enough to truly appreciate them.

You stole my heart and will so long ago, the truth is that I never was able to live without you after our vows were exchanged.

Oh, how I miss you. Everyone that has come after you has been merely a potential replacement. Is it even possible for anyone else to fill this space in which you have resided for so long?

Thank you for my children. They have given me so much to live for. Without them I would be truly lost. I had contemplated, for so long, leaving this world so that you could have them without regret or embarrassment, finding a new life in time. Instead, I am left to care for them, as inept a parent as I am, and with an emptiness where you rightfully belong.

I want you to know that I’m doing my best to keep the peace with your family, for you and for the kids. Your dad and I have become closer, and I love him dearly. Your sister is precious and dear to me, and I never think of her as anything other than a beloved sister of my own.

Your mother and I are on tenuous terms, but I prefer not to create problems if none are necessary. I promise that I will try to be as forgiving as possible for the sake of the kids’ love for her.

But, as for me, I’m so empty. I don’t know how to feel about anything anymore. How is it that for someone so sure about everything else, I can be so lost where my emotions are concerned?

I am not so foolish as to wish that you would come back to me. You are, for once, at rest. It is all I ever wanted for you…to be at peace.

I just wish peace didn’t have to come at such a high price.

I still love you, Jenny.

Alysyn


Please God, spare me from having to write such as this next year...

3 comments:

Michele Angelique said...

Dearest Alysyn,

Thank you for sharing with us your touching letter to Jenny. I must object to your use of the word "foolish" in the title, as I do not see it that way at all.

You have in the past written about your life with Jenny, the ups and downs, the conflict, and the dissolution of your marriage. You conveyed a sense of frustration, slight bitterness, and perhaps a tinge of anger. These are normal human emotions given the challenging circumstances. How you deal with these emotions will determine the path of your evolution.

What I read today has a different tone... one of forgiveness and unconditional love. How could this possibly be "foolish"? The best possible thing you could do is forgive Jenny and those to whom she is related. Forgiveness is what is most needed for everyone concerned, particularly yourself.

There is no benefit to holding on to old resentments, remembering past errors, questioning what has gone before. These dark energies will only eat away at you, causing regret, guilt, anger and sorrow. By forgiving those who have wronged you, you release this poison from your soul and it can no longer haunt you after that.

Forgiveness is not always easy, especially in a case where many wrongs have been compounded over years. To truly forgive in such a situation requires setting aside the ego and obeying the heart instead. I see you doing this Aly, progressing toward the total forgiveness of Jenny. Once you accomplish this fully, a heavy burden in your heart will be lifted. You will then be free to love again.

Of love, do not regret that you continue to feel such for Jenny. She was a major player in your evolution, and it is appropriate to honour her with your ongoing love. Do not reprimand yourself for taking the high road, choosing love over hate. Consider Jenny one of your life teachers. She gave you many lessons, from which you are evolving. Because of the time you spent learning with her, you are better equipped to avoid the same pitfalls when the next true love of your life comes along.

Alysyn, you are transmuting challenges into wisdom, dark into light, because you have the strength to closely examine your feelings. Your post should instead be called "Ever so wise..."

Much love,
Michele

Michele Angelique said...

FROM ADARABETH:

Aly,

I have just had a few moment to check my messages and lo and behold i find a private letter you write to a woman who has travelled to a place where her pain is no more... and it seems she has taken your heart with her...

I am in a bit of a state of exhaustion from overindulgence of yin energy... but i just had to respond...

you write of unbridled passion within who you are, you ask for forgiveness from us, talk of the stone in your heart...

First, thank you for sharing. There is such great depth of character in who you are that i am always taken...

I wish i could lift the stone that holds you back from finding more joy in life... but only you can...do not hold on too tightly to that which as passed... all things in life are temporary...

You have no reason to ask for our forgiveness for your sharing... it is not ridiculous to remember - it seems though you may ask yourself why u are holding on so tight... time passes, when we refuse to let go and move on we lose that one precious commodity that all are equal in... I suspect it is just not time for u to do this yet (to let go), but the unfortunate thing about the existence we have in this time and place is that there is only one working unit of time we all have... now... every second is truely gone from our grasp as it passes... we cannot hold the past too tightly as it sacrifices the present...

I doubt you are really letting too much pass u by... your children would not allow it, nor would the demands of the day... but i fear you are letting opportunities pass you by such as allowing yourself to love another again - fully...

I have such faith and belief in you that i am certain of only one thing... this letter is a stepping stone to move on with your life. Jenny would be so proud of you. And I seriously think she would also expel the 'foolish' possibility of recognizing her in such a tender way.

As there is no such thing as a justified resentment I am also certain that this letter brings you some peace as you have learned to release the poison of resentment from within. I too am proud of you and so encouraged to call you my sister, my friend...

Once again thank you for trusting in us to know where you are. I see a glorious life for you, simply because i see you for who you are. Such depth of soul is like the rarest of jewels found on our world. And you shine brightly.

Always,

Adarabeth

Alexis Rene said...

I harbor some of the very same feelings you do of your Jenny... The girl for me just has a different name.

As much as I want to let go and forgive for all the things that were wronged in the past and MOVE ON there seems to be a band on me that does not let me break free. She did, so why can I not ?

Is it the fact that my marital vows that I held very true and that I hold this with an ill resolved grip or is it fear that this loss will occur while having to relinquish all ties again? Probably both...No amount of reinforcement from friends family loved one etc. will change my thoughts on this... Only I can... The very same for you... Only Aly can triumph to truly breath freely again. Particularly the next companion will only hinder the situation if it is not resolved prior.

This is going to sound different but it almost has to be something you do on a daily basis...Leave the past where it is(<~Something that has always been very dificult for me to do, But in contrast I am tiring of living in the shadow of yesterday) and evolve daily to another plateau. You have to want it, You have to feel it, You have to want to make it happen. The subcnscious will over rule the conscious mind if one lets it so it has to be a desire from deep within.

I am sure that in Jenny's heart of hearts she wants to see you soar to new heights again with your wings fully extended. Also as Adara pointed out, how very precious our time is!

With much love, Alexis