(by Alysyn Ayrica)
Forgive me if this is something that seems ridiculous, but the closer it gets to the anniversary of Jenn's death, the more I find myself dwelling on her.
Throughout the year I've been struggling with this loss, but no amount of crying dispels the hurt.
I wrote this letter, which I plan on setting on her gravesite November 30th, the day before, as to avoid any chance meetings with her mother (a whole different set of emotions...don't get me started!):
When you left, you took a promise with you.
You married me to escape a life, and, instead, found someone in whom you could hide. You said that you didn’t love me at first, but, in time, learned that I was worthy to be loved. I can’t find it in myself to agree to that, but you never failed to find your way back to me, and I could never let you go.
The pain we experienced in the short time we had together was excruciating, but somehow it performed as an adhesive to bind us in ways that confounded the rest of our family, and even many of our friends. They saw the closeness we shared, and knew without a doubt that I worshipped you.
We fought a battle that exceeded the bounds of fairness and consideration. In the end, we discovered that we were strong enough to put aside the concerns of our families and only see the truth of what must be done in each other. We knew that the happiness of our children was more important than our pride and anger.
We made a promise to each other…for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...we remembered that there were more important considerations in this life than our own desires. We remembered why we stayed together all those years, through the difficulties that seemed to plague us. We found each other again.
Sitting in that courthouse, the hardest thing in the world for me was sitting there, looking into your eyes, and telling you that I missed my Jenny; and your response made void all of the heartache, because you came back to me.
Two weeks later you were gone.
I have tried to tell myself that it is better, because now there is quiet. You can no more cause the chaos you were so adept at creating. You were so sick, and there was nothing that I could say to make you understand that it was something you needed to take more seriously. I knew that, one day, you would die…sooner than anyone else expected; but I always thought I would have the chance to be at your side, saying goodbye. I never even got that much.
I was supposed to see you in a couple of days, and we were going to spend time together with the kids. Why couldn’t you at least have waited a few more days?
Jenny, I have tried to move on. I have dated, fallen in love, and have been hurt more in this last year trying to prove to myself that I can continue living in your absence.
But I can’t. You have become a stone in my heart.
I wake up each morning, the sun across my bed, reminding me of so many mornings when I would turn and just stare at your beauty. Often I would wake you by tracing your hairline with my fingers, feeling your silken hair which fascinated me for so many years.
I still see the often elusive green in your eyes shining up at me, and that smile which forced me to dream of many brilliant possibilities of lives to come. I remember the way your top lip crinkled when you kissed me, or the funny way your mouth would move to one side when you were feeling mischevious. I hear your laugh, and wonder if I can ever share those memories with our children when they are old enough to truly appreciate them.
You stole my heart and will so long ago, the truth is that I never was able to live without you after our vows were exchanged.
Oh, how I miss you. Everyone that has come after you has been merely a potential replacement. Is it even possible for anyone else to fill this space in which you have resided for so long?
Thank you for my children. They have given me so much to live for. Without them I would be truly lost. I had contemplated, for so long, leaving this world so that you could have them without regret or embarrassment, finding a new life in time. Instead, I am left to care for them, as inept a parent as I am, and with an emptiness where you rightfully belong.
I want you to know that I’m doing my best to keep the peace with your family, for you and for the kids. Your dad and I have become closer, and I love him dearly. Your sister is precious and dear to me, and I never think of her as anything other than a beloved sister of my own.
Your mother and I are on tenuous terms, but I prefer not to create problems if none are necessary. I promise that I will try to be as forgiving as possible for the sake of the kids’ love for her.
But, as for me, I’m so empty. I don’t know how to feel about anything anymore. How is it that for someone so sure about everything else, I can be so lost where my emotions are concerned?
I am not so foolish as to wish that you would come back to me. You are, for once, at rest. It is all I ever wanted for you…to be at peace.
I just wish peace didn’t have to come at such a high price.
I still love you, Jenny.
Please God, spare me from having to write such as this next year...
Sunday, November 13, 2005
(by Alysyn Ayrica)
Posted by Alysyn at 4:17 PM
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