Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Comfort Spending & Fantasy Masturbating


I am cleaning out my closet and spare rooms and re-organizing them. I have come across a lot of things that I want to donate to the Battered Women's Shelter here in Akron, Ohio. While cleaning, what struck me was not how much useless things I have accumulated over the past years, but WHY I acquired them in the first place. I thought about it all after noon and now I am writing my journal to confess that I was guilty of "Comfort Spending".

In the beginning, my "activities" of expressing "Chloe" were limited to my bedroom mirror. I would spend a lot of time looking into it and not much of anything else. (My oath to truth in these blogs forces me to confess that I still spend to much time in the mirror - vane bitch.) I would experiment with different looks, dabble with make-up - you know, the usual things we do with our wives things when they are not home.

Gawd how I loved these times... Things were so much simpler then. Before I understood myself; before I knew what this overwhelming feeling to wear womens clothes was all about, I discovered that I could "relieve" these desires while dressed, and well... I'll let your imagination take it from here what would happen next. If I am going to be honest, well..., this is honesty - sorry mom.

Each time one of these "episodes" came over me, I needed to take the fantasy farther to achieve satisfaction. To do so, I needed more things of my own. Some of the first few things I experimented with belonged to my sister, girlfriends and of course, my wife - ok, and a few of my mommies too . Soon though, I discovered the exileration that would come over me when I would shop for my own things. The "sensation" was enthralling - I could barely contain my excitement, and, some times, shamefully, I could not contain it - and BOY did I need relief.

Shopping for things became as satisfying as dressing up and masturbating. I would go to stores and just look at things and get excited - touching silk skirts, shopping for hose, bra's and of course, panties! These early days, I was SO nervous shopping - cause I did it in DRAB. I often wondered if the sales person was really believing that I am buying 12 pairs of panties and bra's for my girl friend's birthday which ranged in inconsistent sizes and shapes?!?

In fact I remember a few of them trying to help me saying, "honey you have 4 different sizes here; would you like to try them on to be sure?"... I said, "Ha, good one. These are a gift". The sales person just winked and said, "ok sweetie". I would just buy and buy and buy thinking the next piece would make me feel more like a woman. This passion started out white hot, but quickly burned and faded, leaving me feeling empty, pathetic and shameful for what I was doing. So I boxed it all up and in the closet it went.

5 years went by watching my wife being girlie and going to work and seeing the ladies everyday expressing their femininity - I couldn't take it anymore. I needed answers to WHY I felt this way inside. Playing dress up and relieving myself was not my motive this time... in fact, I tried that again and the feeling of sexual fetishes were not there - THIS was different... I didn't just want to "feel" like a woman, I wanted to look and "be" a woman. Not for sexual fantasy reasons... not to look in the mirror and touching myself with a bra on - no. At the time, I could not tell you "what" and "why", only that there was something longing in me to escape and not be filtered through a fantasy or relieved by sexual gratification.

Through the course of events, I received medical treatment for something unrelated to transgendered issues and discovered I have Klienfelters Syndrome, which in turn, lead me eventually to counciling, where I was diagnosed as a transsexual with GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria). This diagnoses didn't come over night - many moons passed trying to figure myself out and during this time, I shopped and partied, until that too fizzled out and I was left with the raw naked truth... the core of the problem: I am a woman, not a man.

When I finally accepted that I AM a girl, I felt in an instant, a death that came over me. I looked at my past behavoir; the self destructive attitude toward life. I didn't care if I paid my bills or was on time for work... I didn't even bother to hide anymore what I was planing to do and I didn't care who it hurt - least all of all, me!

In that moment, I became "Chloe". the woman, and the man that dressed up like a girl for sexual fantasy, died. What a bunch of bull shit this all was... dressing up and masturbating - this was such a waste of time - how I wish I would have gotten help then because this was not what it was all about - nor was I a night crawler either who puts on little girl dresses, goes to bars and then goes back to hotel rooms, sits around, smokes dope then cheats on my wife with a guy/couple who ONLY likes me because I'm a chick with a dick in her panties. Ewww!

Then again, who the HELL am I to judge the Night Crawler crowd... I mean, I had my little sexual fantasy world too - but it resided in my private bedroom only with myself (Not that I am better for it). But, that was me... whose to say a night crawler will come from another person like myself that says, "Ya know what, THIS is not what I am all about... THIS is not satisfying what this is REALLY all about: Expressing the woman inside me - and I don't need to pretend anymore by going to hotel rooms, doing drugs, cheating on my wife with a guy who only likes me cause I have a cock under my skirt".

I think we all need to go through these WHITE HOT burning bright, shooting star stages of self discovery. For me, shopping really filled a void between the empty feeling that comes when you dress, masturbate, and the put it all away for next time, to the point of having to DEAL with my GID Issues.

In the aftermath of it all, the problem I was left with was that I have a lot of stuff from my Closet Cross Dressing days, but not a lot of things for me to use going forward presenting as a female on a day to day basis. Number one, my breasts are size D and that is NOT the size bra's I used to buy. Funny thing too, I buy completely different bra's now than I did in my CD Days... They are not satin silky lacey stuff - Now I buy Victoria Secrets Bra's only and not the sexiest ones either. The VS Bra's fit implants the best (go figure), so that is what I get. The Angles Secret Embrace or Body by Victoria. These bras are so superior in quality - NOTHING comes close to a well made VS Bra. (Now you all know what to get me! <grin>) NOTE: these bra's do NOT work well for silicone breast forms - they make the forms look very un-natural in my opinion and the movement of a natural breast that you get from forms usually, are not there when used with these bra's... so I have heard.

I see now what my wife found so humorous. She watched me going through these stages, but was powerless to stop it. I was like a 13 year old girl in the beginning - buying anything girlie and not educated to how to fit things for myself. Oh gawd, the horrors of The Blue Eye Shadow Era... omg! No wonder she was so embarrassed. Now, she admits that I am a VERY good shopper and a women with style who can easily put together an outfit, do her own hair, makeup and is learning to submit to the ways of thinking and living as a young women should: dignified.

As for comfort spending - that is over now... now it's comfort blogging!

"Hold the Onions"


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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

What's a GEM?

Dear Sisters,

I miss our conversations and thought I would initiate a discussion and
hoping that you would share your ideas.

I am still in the ongoing process of self-identification. I am also at
that age and point in life where I wonder if I will transition beyond
the modest steps I have taken thus far. I have not taken further steps
because to do so, would likely pose more of a cost than a benefit to
me and my loved ones. In an ideal world, I would choose to have a
female embodiment because I am so struck by feminine beauty and want
to possess those characteristics that I am attracted to. I will admit
that I am envious of beautiful women and transwomen.

On the other hand, I don't think I would be satisfied becoming an old
and unattractive woman and I do embrace my male side and am very
grateful for its contribution to my personal development. I am not
sure where these feelings leave me in terms of the gender continuum. I
am not sure I can say my essence is fully female or male but I have
many feminine characteristics. I am experimenting with an identity
that I describe as a GEM (gender-enhanced male). To me, such an
characterization represents an appreciation for my whole self and does
not deny the male parts as I was born in a male embodiment with
feminine attributes and have actively built on that foundation. This
does not mean that I would go out and shout from the rooftops that "I
am a GEM". I would continue to enact the gender role that I am engaged
in at the moment but still feel like a GEM on the inside.

Does anyone share similar or different views on this topic? I would
love to hear your ideas.

With Lotsa Love.