Out of the Closet... into ... life

~ Written by Adarabeth Veau

This message was developed for those individuals who have not ventured from their world of secrecy because of shame or guilt, not so much for those that have faced their fears and walk more confidently, whatever their journey may be.

It is a brief synopsis of contributing factors to my own level of spirit and in no way is intended to pull someone kicking and screaming into something they do not dream about...

For me, I have a dream ... it is of a place called anywhere...

"Haven't you wanted to be free my dear? I can't keep pretending you don't exist... that I don't know you. You do, in my mind, in my heart, in my reality ever time I look in the mirror... Come... take my hand... I will take you there... We will leave tonight… there's no need to tell anyone, they will only hold us down... so by the morning light we will be halfway there, halfway to anywhere, a place where you and I can be – however, whoever – without shame or guilt, without fear... So unlock your heart, drop your guard, I will take you there... Where honesty no matter what we wear is paramount... where we are safe to just be..."

I have a dream...

Seven of nine...

This is the number of lives I have used up. Why nine you ask? Because like a cat, I always land on my feet.

When I was 6, my 8 year old brother and I went swimming in a fast moving aquaduct about 2 miles away from my grandparents rural farm in Southern Alberta. I got carried away and carried under. My brother saved me. Life one.

When I was 7, my now 9 year old brother took me skiing for the first time. In his infinite wisdom he decided he would take me to the top of the mountain (at the time 2 chair lifts and 1 t-bar to get there). All the way up I cried how scared I was. At the top, he was so frustrated with me he told me I was on my own and he would see me at the bottom. I never saw him until the end of the day. My first run was nearly my last one ever as I did not know how to stop and literally flew into the trees. Life two.

When I was 8, my brother (see a pattern here) decided we should go fishing about 3 miles away from our home in Southern British Columbia where we lived in a small community surrounded by mountains. Oh, we caught some fish alright, and the attention of the first of 3 bears I would have the pleasure of seeing up close and personal over the next 20 years of my life. Life three.

Flash forward 11 years. Not to dismiss the close calls in those 11, but one knows when they are kissing death just what it feels like.

Bear number 2 was my closest kiss of death yet... life four.

At 20, I had already well begun my addiction to epinephrine – adrenaline. I had been to 12 countries, 32 US states, 5 CA provinces on my own, skydived, para-glided, skied double black diamonds, encountered much more wildlife up front, and a wide host of other adrenalizing events.

Most intoxicating was going out as Adara for the first time totally public. I had my nails, hair, and makeup done professionally at malls and salons close to where I lived. My clothes were new and in style. And I was transformed from the 5 year old playing with mom's stuff – through an adolescents FULL of fear of discovery by tough brothers, and girlfriends who loved it or hated it – into this very pretty, if not awkward young woman.

There were no near misses as I discovered my new drug of choice – exploring my dual gender identity in the public realm. But my previous close calls had given me more reasons for, rather than against, this exploration. My feminine side refused to be silent. Life was too short to keep her stifled.

Life number five, at 22, confirmed this very loudly. When one rolls a 14 ton picker truck over, crawls out of the shattered windshield, they get a new perspective on life. You appreciate it better. You begin to wonder why feelings of shame or guilt or even fear were valid at all. And you begin to believe nothing should stand in the way of just being yourself. Of just loving yourself and exploring all that that means.

At 25, I as Adara or anyone else was quite comfortable expressing myself.

Crawling down an 80 meter cliff with a thawing wet wall of water beside me, constantly reminding myself to stop being so stupid and use ropes next time made me wish I had stayed at home to break in those new heels. Stupid life number six.

At 25, though, living an extreme life gave me the courage to be myself and to dress up and go out with pride whenever I could ...

Then at 27, I was in Dominical, Costa Rica. Here, number seven finally taught me once and for all, life is too short. It was the most dramatic and closest time I have ever come to know this life ends with finality. Riptides, 7 foot waves and darkness. When you face the reaper, your life does not pass before your eyes, the ones you love and the things you love do. And after, if you are lucky enough, you hold all those things dear.

And because of that, I will never put my identities into a closet again. None of them.

Now to ruffle some feathers...the purpose of my rant...

From my view of life in general, transgenderism specifically - it is all like a rodeo. You have the crowds, the bull rider and the majestic bull. The crowds are safe in the stands – like a closet. No show from them. No fear of pain, rejection, or risk. They are behind the stands. Holding their emotion away even from themselves. Safe.

Than you have the rider. Bold enough to be on display and get into the action. They are living freely and with courage. They have faced some of their fears, and good or bad, right or wrong, they get out there. And they live for the ride.

And finally you have the Bull. It does not care who is looking at it. Its one purpose is to give the rider the ride of their lives. Or to die trying. It is the boldest creature that will buck and kick and always try to be free. If you can hang on you will have the ride of your life. Or you can be that ride...

The question is which are you?

The `cause' of having our community not just tolerated, but actually accepted within the greater community comes from those who have stepped from the confines of the closet and into the real world. Some of us are far more comfortable keeping their identity hidden from everyone else in their lives. Perfectly fine if you are truly comfortable there... there really is no 'cause' in this form of safe.

But if you are not, than what is stopping you?

If you want to be open, liberated and to freely express yourself, whether you cater to the definition of CD, TV or TS the only thing stopping you ... is ... you.
Sure, you may have to face down a plethora of reasons, fears or objections... but is it really circumstance or will that holds one back from just being themselves? The liberation of self, in accepting self, and finally celebrating self, is what life is really all about.

Don't you owe it to yourself to discover this?

Of course.

You do.

It doesn't matter the clothes you wear... we are all draped until we shed the confines of shame, fear or guilt. In that, our nakedness frees us. It is the confidence of realizing, accepting the strength of yin and yang energy within oneself that one becomes liberated.

You do not have to face dying to know this.

So, come, take my hand, the hand of all those who have walked before you...

Explore my dream...



Adarabeth, I love your dream.

Thank you for posting this awesome article. Honey I'm amazed to know that you've had so many near-death experiences! It's a miracle you're still with us. You must be alive for a grand purpose, cuz the grim reaper just refuses to take you! Adrenaline junkie, to be sure!

Reading your story makes me so thankful to have not been born a guy, especially with brothers, having to live up to the macho peer pressure, risking one's life to be the "best". Makes me shudder just thinking about it. Life is so much safer as a girl!

So many near-death experiences have brought you to the point where you no longer want to surpress or deny a part of you that is very real... a part that has so long been aching for recognition. I think you are on the path of self-actualization by learning to embrace yourself fully.

As you come to love both sides of yourself equally, your balance will emerge, allowing you to be the best possible YOU... a person with the best of masculine and feminine traits, and who, because of a full acceptance of gender qualities, also empathises with the weaknesses inherant in each.

Adara's message is that we should accept, embrace and be proud of who we are, not try to hide in a closet. She is saying that the more of our transgendered sisters who come out to positively represent in a public way, the easier the dream will be to achieve.

I agree whole-heartedly, and would like to add to that... for some, venturing out in public is not an option. Even these sisters can participate in a big way, via the internet. I am so proud of each and every person in this group, as all are doing exactly that. What you are doing with your online presence is reflecting positively on the TG community. It's bound to flow into lots of other areas, I am confident.

If it is possible for you to get out and about en femme, do consider it more often, and to more public venues. I believe you would find it to be a personally liberating experience, and that the vast majority of people would treat you with kindness. It's something you have to try for yourself, and might possibly be surprised how good it feels!

Adara, your light is shining brighter every day honey. Thank you for sharing with us.

With much love,
lynn Bailar said…
Well, my new friend...I discover by reading these words that which I suspected by reading your other words.

We truly are kindred spririts in many ways more than one.

Just one comment overall...the duality of the life of many is by choice and necessity not shame, fear or guilt.

I got rid of guilt the day I quit being a Catholic.

The only fear I have is fear of failure which drives me to succeed.

The only shame I ever feel is when I forget to find a single act of kindness at least once a day that makes someones day worthwhile.

I am living my dream...and will explore yours with you to the edge and back.

Re: Out of the closet...into...life

I just want to make a note in regard to the comment left by Lynn Bailar stating "I got rid of the guilt the day I quit being a Catholic"...

I do apologize if this comment offended any of our Catholic friends and sisters. At GenderEvolve, we neither condemn nor exclusively condone any specific religion or spirituality. We welcome all forms of belief that are based in love and goodwill.

It is not what a person believes, but how they act upon their beliefs, that really counts.

With much love,
Michele Angelique
Anonymous said…
I can relate. I too have used up 7 of my nine lives. I am also an adreneline junkie, but I have come to be a little more selective on my adventures.

That being said, at least 3 of my lives were expended in day to day routine activities. You can never tell.

As for dressing when I am out. I do this almost continuously. But, then I dress as the GG in my community do: jeans, t-shirt, light make up etc. If I were to dress in a skirt or dress, then I really would stand out, as most GG in my area abhor such clothing!

Only once has a GG ever noticed how I look. I have had a couple of sexual offers from the guys (in a good way). I don't pass as a girl at all, but I do make a very convincing confident human being.

celeste said…
I loved your comments about your experiences. It made me feel a little stronger about myself and overcoming my fears about going out in public dressed up.I have finally gone out in public dressed up for the first time. I felt so alive as feeling like the female I would like to be.My hope is to become a true female soon and your story just gives me more hope to getting there. Thank You So Much Signed Celeste

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