Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Am I destined to be alone forever?

(by Jenna Taylor)

Every now and then I ponder the meaning of my existence. Now, this sounds all philosophical and heady, yet it’s simple nothing more than, "Will I spend the rest of my live alone?"
I tell myself "I don't want to live by myself!" and until last night, I was looking at it the wrong way. For you see, what I was saying to myself was, “I don't want to live with YOU", meaning ME! And if this was actually true, then, did I need fixing'? I mean, can I be ready for someone else if I'm not ready for me?

The last 8-10 months of my sentence on this planet have involved some pretty in-depth examinations of my past, my present, and my future. Though these "probes" to the center of my soul have been ongoing for several years, before now they were very superficial. Never before had I "taken a hard look in the mirror". Like most crossdressers, it’s a quick passing glance on my way somewhere or just a reflection in another object. This is all about to change.

For longer than I care to remember, I've been a crossdresser, a transgenderist and a bigendered individual. This fact has caused me considerable pain in my life. My earliest memories include the fear of discovery. It is that fear that ruled my life until a short 2 years ago. Although the effects of fear on my psyche cannot be dismissed overnight, the mere fact that the fear is gone is akin to the breathing of fresh air right after a sauna. Cool, deep fulfilling breaths providing reassurance are contrasted to the short, hurried, shallow pants one finds in a fog of steam, while never knowing if the next is your last.

My life is starting to develop meaning. I have rediscovered personal traits that were quite dusty! Yet why did I still question my relationship status? Was it because I seemed to pick the "winners"? The one that if I walked into a room of 1,000 women, I'd walk out with a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree", the sickliest one of the bunch! This could not be coincidence. It has to be more than mere happenstance. It's ME! I've set standards and conditions in my partners that compliment my failings.

Like the drug addict or alcoholic finding the 12 steps of recovery, I've recently found my "12 steps" to spirituality! That balance I've been seeking. This is not to say I've arrived at my spiritual zenith. I've just started taking the first steps of that 1,000 mile journey. A lot of personal inventory taking and making amend with those I've wronged. I can humbly accept myself as the loving person I am. I can display compassion with reckless abandon. I can wake up in the morning and know I'm one day closer to my center.

In retrospect, I'm not so much concerned with being alone. I rather like myself and am content to take my time, and find the RIGHT woman for me. She'll be the woman professing that I'm the right MAN for her! And do you know something? I just might be.....

4 comments:

Michele Angelique said...

Jenna, bless your dear heart. You are very wise to be pondering the meaning of your existence, and in doing so, you will find the answers. You are clearly on the road to self-discovery, enhanced by your willingness to evolve and grow. There are a few things you’ve said here which I’d like to comment on.

You said… " … if I walked into a room of 1,000 women, I'd walk out with a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree", the sickliest one of the bunch! I've set standards and conditions in my partners that compliment my failings."

You are seeking love from outside of yourself, without first loving yourself. I think there are a few possible reasons you have chosen partners so in need of help.

For one, you may possess a characteristic that is very common to women in relationships: the need to be needed. Your compassionate nature causes you to reach out to needy individuals because you can see the good in them. You look past their obvious failings and you see their "potential". Perhaps you have chosen partners who were not good for you because you thought you could help them, fix them, make their lives right. Your ability to gently ease their plight gave you a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. The problem is, rarely is such a relationship equally beneficial for both parties. I would guess that you’ve often found yourself in relationships where you are giving, giving, giving, and not getting much in return. I am sure you have learned the hard way that it’s impossible to change another human being, even if the change is in their best interest. The only person you can change is you.

Two, by choosing a partner with bigger problems than you, it’s easier to avoid fixing yourself while you are focusing on fixing them. In other words, it may have been a subconsious avoidance tactic on your part… "it’s better to be with someone who causes me grief but who I can help, than to be by myself and have to work on helping myself."

Three, it is natural to gravitate towards people who are a reflection of ourselves (or of who we think we are). In the case of someone with low self esteem, the bar would be set low. Perhaps you have felt that you do not deserve any better. Perhaps you have felt that in choosing the "charlie brown christmas tree", there would be less risk of loss.

Whatever the past reasons have been, you are on the right track now. Now you are looking inward for answers, seeking to understand yourself, and learning to be comfortable on your own. As you begin to truly love yourself, instead of requiring that missing love to come from outside of yourself, you will become happier, more complete, more balanced. You will naturally attract similar people. You have so much to offer in a relationship, and waiting for a partner who truly deserves the gift of your love is a very wise choice.

Jenna, I am so moved by your profoundly lucid words "… the mere fact that the fear is gone is akin to the breathing of fresh air right after a sauna. I can humbly accept myself as the loving person I am. I can display compassion with reckless abandon. I can wake up in the morning and know I'm one day closer to my center."… Jenna you are truly an inspiration to us all. Just hold your light high for the world to see, because you are shining so brilliantly, dear sweet sister of ours.

Much love,
Michele

Marisa said...

But Jenna, you've already ascended the mountaintop on this matter (I suspect, and hope)!

At core, the issue is: "can I project a false self that will score me numerous (false) relationships?" OR Must I accept the unlikelihood of those relationships, due to being open and honest?

That is a wicked bridge to cross! How many people, whatever the cause, are truly willing to sacrifice great opportunity for simple honesty?

I do think, though, that anyone with the courage to cross that bridge will never go back . . . because even the slightest chance of real love is better than multiple helpings of it's shadow.

Michele Angelique said...

JENNA SAID:

Thank you Michele,

I have been brought, kicking and screaming to the mirror of self reflection. This is where those observations I made came from. While considerable examination is still required, I agree with you remarks. Unfortunately, this fact has come later than sooner in my life. Fortunately soon enough to make the changes required.

The "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" reference is part of my past. Yes, it was because of any or all of those traits you mentioned. I know that I'm not much different than the rest of us. Should anyone in the group eyeing these post find they strike a common chord, then let them "tune" their lives by them.

We all seem to be plauged by our past, profounded by our present, and fearful of our future. I'm slowly coming to the mindset that my past is the last few minutes of my life, the present is ever becoming the latter and the future is only a heartbeat away. When I look at my life in a small, "managable" framework, it seems so easy to change.

I have also accepted that my spiritual growth will not achieve nirvana, yet is always on the upward march towards that goal. Prefect? never. PrefectING? ALWAYS.

Jenna

"I hope you dance"

Alexis Rene said...
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