Last week I began to explain my views about the elements involved with perspectives about the transgender mindset and going stealth, but due to space I wasn't able to cover a lot of things. Among the principal reasons to aspire to achieve such invisible state is a parting of ways with things in Transgendered World. Many XG people find a tremendous impact when discovering they are not alone as there are thousands of people around the globe that face the syndromes of being out of the gender identification mainstream box.
History started to change for all of us in the early 90s as the internet was a true breakthrough that provided a resource for the transgender population as well as the general viewing public, courageous XG people had a portal in expression, achievements, goals, history, sufferings and pictures. Our once tiny world started growing while providing an illusionary feel of belonging & state of normalcy.
There was however negative connotations that were brought to our world such as pornography, an invasion of She-Male sites sprouted making as much money as the straight porno businesses. The video industry added a new layer into their many money making machines and the she-males layer became a new sexual icon. Many XG people followed such movement by becoming consumers of such products and many others became a sort of participants by presenting themselves in such fashion. Some of the transgender groups at Yahoo, MSN and other places allowed many of us to voice our thoughts and opinions that brought momentum to our lives. However, most of those groups became a sleazy place to present many of the people in our world. Those groups became a private way to expose themselves in rather sexual manner and as well, to connect in a sexual way with others.
Other transgender resources and venues became known and many girls ventured into joining others, allowing themselves a little more than the picture time at home. People were meeting people and associations of all sorts were made from developing friendships on line, attending venues and even in their secrecy, had the opportunity to create a world that would resemble reality. The opportunities that a person didn't have before the net now were possible.
Many of us developed a public pride of being who we are. We openly presented ourselves to the world and began accepting our duality in a binary world. However, after time, maybe a long time, we as well started to get in touch with "how such reality works". Relating to other TGs became redundant to many and the ones that started maturing past the online world felt differently with emphasis on their futures, we started to take action in our selves and gradually became comfortable with most of it. Not that everyone comes out, but many after finding venues where they could live their XG essence, found satisfaction in their newfound presence with the occasional outing, going to a club, shopping, a convention became a tremendous opportunity that didn't exist before and now it was possible in a safe environment, company of other like minded individuals, more importantly away from being exposed to ones family or work. A partial reality that still suffices for many and I wouldn't be where I am today w/o any of these instances happening. It has allowed me a way to express myself in the public eye, relate to others, spend substantial time in femme, provided me the continuum I needed to connect all the dots I needed to figure how repressed I was for many years, if not most of my life.
Yet, many things started to become old, silly, unreliable and at times simply wrong. Since I was in a new place within, I experienced no need to be a part of the world that allowed me to achieve my new state. In fact, I started to experience a lot of resentment towards such world and started feeling the as if I did not belong to the world that made possible for me to arrive to where I am today. I've thought of becoming stealth because of this. I have learned who I am within and who I align with and it is not someone that feels erotically enticed by gender achievements as I've grown so much in within!
During my discoveries of XG people on the net & world, I often became outraged seeing that many sisters would despise others because they were different. I always expressed my voice w/o realizing that I was creating a gap between the groups and started understanding the effects of such. Not that I consented of such a split, but labels started making sense though there are so many categories under the transgender umbrella such as transsexual, intersex, cross-dressers and the list goes on. However being exposed to all those, getting involved started to become a conflict of interest and a good reason to start considering a stealth life. After all, my deepest desire has always been to live a life I chose and this time was to live it as a woman. Not just enjoying a few sporadic times as one.
A separation from the transgender community felt mandatory by the difference in ideals and goals for those who wish to live full time. The true fact is that I embrace my duality very well, but I decided to give it a go after I've lived my life as a male for the first half of my life. Late blooming or not, I decided to endeavor openly my desire to feel everything as the woman only I can be. I will not be able to achieve such, for as long as I remain as XG woman. Therefore I feel a need to remove all traces of my past, connections and associations to be able to fulfill my life as a woman in the mainstream world and I am not referring about the boxed mainstream world noted above. All those sexually explicit profiles on line do tremendous damage to our XG world and do not want to be confused or placed among them. What's the difference? My XG quality doesn't include or accept to be placed among, naughty, juvenile, hostile, unreliable, closeted or a shameful and guilty deviant. We are not deviants, but we've moved far away from the boxed mainstream thinking and need to get out of the shadow of ignorance.
I am fully aware that doing so is a humongous task that may bring extremely painful repercussions. Therefore it is much better for me to live in a secured secrecy and point the finger to the ones that had the courage to move on with their life and not just exclusively as a XG person, but as a human being. That is the main reason people like me, perhaps you, find to become Stealth. We need to remove ourselves, hide from our own brothers and sisters. For as long as we don't find the comfort needed in our environment, we need to become like anyone else. To become a part of the homogenized world that doesn't allow us to be who we are w/o their approval, consent and support.
I've been accused of not being in touch with reality but whose reality is it? The only reality pondering my door here is that I am a transgender woman! It is my choice to lead the life I choose whether or not it is right or wrong in the eyes of another. It is not a matter of becoming public again and put the bulls-eye target on our chest. We can resume life as we knew it before but embracing our TRUE ESSENCE and SELF and when we are needed, we can provide the needed support that once we received from others.
Being XG person is not an easy life, we all know that. In fact it can become rather painful and we risk so much dealing with the issues openly, so we delve to a new point of beginning. We start by taking baby steps and at some point we are somewhere out of the closet filing back into the mainstream. Not hiding from others and more importantly, the people that really matter in our lives, the love of our families, friends and sisters. Why not sit down for a while and establish a dialog with your inner self to figure out what is needed to change your life? The kind of life you want and maybe deserve? Feeling those strong tones of your female core, you're more in tune with all there is in within, right? You're more loving, spontaneous, caring, compassionate, supportive, etc. You're complete, right? So why to remove yourself from the ranks of what provided you the clue and courage to become who you are? Why go to a new level of secrecy? Even if you think that to be possible, it is not. It is a false sense or reality. You're still holing a BIG secret! What once you were. You will never stop being who you were and if you try, really try, that would be another obstacle in your life that will render you unhappy, incomplete and you will have to guard for as long as you're alive.
Note: I receive quite a bit of personal notes about my blog. I am very thankful to you for those, but it defeats the purpose of expressing my views in a public manner if you don't do the same. Even if your view/experience is contrary to mine, make your self be heard! For as long as you use good language and sense, we want to know anything my blogs bring into your self. It will be very appreciated by all of us.