Saturday, April 12, 2008

Every Choice Has Its Price


Erik Erickson, a famous developmental psychologist, revealed that adolescents must first develop a sense of identity before they can learn to be intimate with others. In his view, we must first know and love ourselves before we can love another. Carol Gilligan took a stance contrary to Erickson’s view in that traditional adolescent females learn to be intimate before they develop their self-identities. Regardless of which comes first, it seems that to be complete, people need to have both identity and intimacy.

A transgendered person can potentially gain self-identity at the cost of intimacy or vice versa. We have become aware of the pain of the transwoman who has lost family, friends, and loved ones upon successful transition. We are also familiar with the despair of the person who, for whatever reason, is not able to express her feminine gender except in the deep recesses of her mind or in the safety of her closet. Both of these extreme decisions have their costs and their benefits. The transitioned woman has gained her life and herself, feels whole, but has lost many of those who gave her life meaning and possibly even lost her career. The closeted transwoman on the other hand, keeps her friends, family, and her career but may lose herself in her hiding process.

A third way is followed by those transpersons who fear losing identity or intimacy and who take the middle road toward transition. Such people know a special kind of angst that comes with compromise.

Choosing to live in a compromised position, I have grown my hair long and have gone through procedures that have feminized my looks in various ways but I have not gone nearly far enough to live as a female. While I have kept my job and my family, I live in a twilight and somewhat androgenous physical state. Every time I do something to tweak my outward femininity, my feminine side gains. But I lose something from my old self that makes me less recognizable and maybe even less acceptable to some people.

While I fine it easier to interact with those I see on a regular basis, I have a deep fear of seeing family, friends, colleagues, and even neighbors who I have not seen for awhile. To maintain my career and social life, I feel the need to obscure my long hair and cover up my arms and legs so friends, neighbors, and family cannot see they are hair free. I feel I avoid the neighbors and they avoid me because I look different than I used to and this is uncomfortable.

Regardless of the costs, I choose to live this life where having it all means accepting compromise. Every choice has its price.

Felicia Conti

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The Tell Tale Heart


In our society today, it would be hard to find someone to argue the point that beauty will get you ahead in life. But does beauty quench your soul?

Reading Teri’s Blog and then engaging in a discussion in her comments section, reminded me of how I once mused out the window for days at a time, in deep thought about “all of this trans business”. The permanence of my thoughts brought me back to the same place each time: Creditability = Acceptance.

But this revelation was first misplaced - Like so many other TG people, I believed if I could pass, “LIFE WOULD BE WONDERFUL”! In the beginning this idea was reinforced, because I do in fact, pass for which I presented: A woman. I’m not a beauty queen, but I haven’t been mistaken for a disheveled gargoyle either.

With each person I “passed” with, my confidence soared, allowing me to ignore the stigmas of society and the laws of physics. Any thing in my mind was possible, because “I passed”.

What I miss understood, but eventually figured out, was that it was not about “passing”, because “passing” does not fulfill a soul; balancing your life with happiness and truth does.

The cloak of beauty CAN hide the truth even from ourselves; or can it? My breasts currently measure in at a 36DD and I have long hair with a voice that is very feminine - Am I any less than my natal female sisters or more than my non-passable TG sisters? When I asked myself this, THIS was the point that I awoke from the hallucination I manifested in my mind that I could ever be “Just a girl named Chloe” so long as I passed.

Sitting in a restaurant now, I feel even farther away from passing for a female as I ever did when I present myself as a male named “Ted” by my parents. The cold reality is, that even if I had a magic wand to turn me into a Genetic woman, “I KNOW” the truth. That truth is, I am, and always will be genetically a male. No surgery or label that others or I create will silence "The Tell-Tale Heart".

Passing will not satisfy the need for balance. The whole reason that TG’s “come out” is to satisfy their soul's heart beating which echo’s a truth louder and louder with ever increasing frequency, to the point it drives you to address the problem – one way or another; either by satisfying the desire, or for some, going mad and blowing their brains out. The medical field of mental professionals understands this, that is why Hormones, and sex changes are considered treatment for a diagnoses of a mental behavior problem knows as Gender Identity Dysphoia.

Beauty can allow us to facilitate moments of created truth here and there – it can even allow us to attain a piece of what we wished we could have had from natal birth. But, you cannot change the spots on a lepard - you can shave or cover them over - but you can not change what is the truth; and that reality, when it hits you - SUCKS. The best any of us can do is live in as close proximity as we can to presenting the woman we wish we would have been born to be naturally.

Being a full time passable Transvestite has been my label assigned to me by my therapist. Gee, I thought I was “just a girl” – well, I am in my heart of hearts, but my body won’t allow me to forget where I came from either –AND- who I will always be: A genetic male from Black and White, that stepped into the new Techno-Color reality of femininity, complete with anatomically correct big boobs and a spanking new vagina. Yeah 21st century!

In Teri’s Blog, she asks about “The Longing” and if it ever goes way… I think it can if we work to balance truth within in ourselves – keeping reality paramount and expectations at arms reach. Our transition should not be centered on the honesty of what our eyes or others tell us to be true; It should be tempered by the beat of a Tell Tale Heart.

-Chloe



Original Yahoo 360 Blog Comments


"Nicely written essay on an inescapable truth that one can run from and can hide from others...but not hide from oneself. Maybe it IS possible to make a silk purse from a sow's ear (nice metaphor since all men are pigs, eh?) but within that smooth feminine exterior still resides a male's past that no surgery or therapy can exorcise. One needs to make peace with it and accept the fact it's ALWAYS going to be there."

-Cyndy Dee Lite




"I would imagine that most girls had the same wish I had when I first got the dream of womanhood. We went to bed as young boys and almost injured ourselves in reaching out to the furthest ends of our mental capacity, our faith, our wishes and our deep deep longing, to wake up as true and complete women. Sadly it never happened no mater how much we wanted it!

However, Chloe. I can say without fear of contradiction that all the women I have met on-line are more feminine and better to know then many GGs I have met. If kindness and caring are marks of feminine success, they are indeed true women! I happen to believe that whilst we were not born women in this life, in the next or in heaven, we will be as our god intended us to be."


-Davinia Hilton




"Your and Teri’s thoughts bring up a very interesting point about life in general. Sometimes the chase is more fun than the catch. It reminds me of a movie that I recently watched “Catch Me If You Can” (Leonardo DeCapria and Tom Hanks). Humans are always seeking the next step and even more. First for us, going out, next passing etc. Like you, I can go anywhere and mingle in with no problem.

The real question is after SRS what is the next step? Or maybe the next challenge. I once had a TG friend tell me that if she had SRS the surge and challenge would all be over for her. She got too much of a surge this way. Where would she go as a woman? Very interesting thought.


Thinking about this probably the real desire for me is to feel like a woman, which I can do in my present state. I can enjoy many things as women do. I can be accepted as a woman most of the time. I am good enough that people take note even if they know, not laugh, I am confident as a woman.

I have often thought about what comes next and next and next. First of all I am happy that I can go out and feel like I am a woman just like any natal woman. This is wonderful. It is wonderful to put lotion on my soft body.

Yes for me there is more but it is so difficult to obsess over this. A partial life as a male does help me get through each day but living as a female without surgery can still give me peace of mind. I know this living this way or even having SRS will give me the peace the I want and need.


It is good to always want more and more but we cannot drive ourselves to insanity. If you had a magic wand to make you a GG what would you want next? Also would you worry about your past life? Then there are the woman that want more every day. Many of them would love to look like you. We need to settle and have peace of mind and enjoy what we have."


-Kristi Laboi




"I have known I should have been a female since the age of 4 so for me living as my true feminine self comes from deep within. I have enough naturally physical female traits to pass in most situations but if I don't occasionally, I know I'm being true to myself which is more important."

-Kelly Michelle




"Chloe your blog says you have beauty both inside and out - but we as gender identity disorder "victims" have the life we've lived and that will be a part of us forever. I have accepted that, and, it is me. Now I am a woman and will always be from this day forward knowing that my history will be a part of me while I do."

-Michel Gould




"Firstly hunni I have to thank you for the fully understanding comments you left on my blog.

Life for us on a day to day basis seems to have some degree questions relating to gender, which I assume is not something anyone who does not suffer from GID will ever have to face in their lifetime. We as TS's however I fear will always have gender based issues or questions no matter how far down the transition route we go. However, it is my hope that we can at least address most of our issues to live the last part of our lives as reasonably happy people. We may not ever be 100% real women, but at least we can be a person who doesn't have to hide the woman within anymore. Oh, and we get to be as beautiful as we can be.......just because we can, lol. Keep being beautiful Chloe."

-Alexandra Young




"Bravo Chloe, Now it may seem my blog about my transition may make sense to those who read it before but didn't really get the point thanks to your well written and thoughtful words.

I know I am a genetic male but I feel no less of a woman because of that. All the smoke and mirrors in the world will never make a person feel womanly. That feeling comes from your soul ~ and pardon me for saying this, if someone has started on the road to transition and never,ever feels like this I would seriously suggest they didn't have GRS ~ now that would be a big mistake. I'm not saying GRS makes any difference to those women out there who know in their souls they are women and DON'T intend having GRS ~ I am saying if that feeling doesn't exist then GRS is not the answer.

As to Kristi's thoughts on going out to feel like a woman ~ well I don't get that at all.Staying in,washing the dishes, doing the garden, washing the car, reading a book, watching the tele, playing golf, swimming, in fact just living an every day life living, breathing, feeling like a woman is what women do. Oh ~ and beauty is so much more than a pretty outfit, flawless makeup and a lovely hair do."


-Kelly Macdonald




"I dunno,hon. I started out on transition 14 months ago, at age 55. I have no illusions that I will be physically beautiful, sexy, or whatever. I started, because after 4 decades of turmoil, I had to. I never made the scene cross dressing and going to clubs prior to transitioning; that's why I'm such a retard with clothes, hair and makeup. And you want to know something - I don't care much about those things now. I just want to be the woman who has been screaming to 'be' for so long. I'm a 'soccer mom' and that's good enough for me.

For the first time in my life, I feel that I can be nurturing - to my daughters, my friends, my co-workers.Hopefully, anyone I meet. I hope that when people look into my eyes, they can see my desire to love.
One thing that gets me, if I may briefly vent, is getting advice from beautiful TG women who say that physical beauty is not where it's at. Yet they have spent so much time and money to help them with the 'externals.' And they continue to do so. What's up with that?"

-Barbara Ann