Revelation… Maturation… Evolution

(by Adarabeth Veau)

Joining Gender Evolve was a big step for me… as a student of life –
an experience junkie, especially the high adrenaline kind – I used
to think I really had it all together. But I knew there was one major
element that was missing. Adara. Her development. Her
validation. Her impact and her yearnings to be known.

And now I know why.

My earliest recollection of Adara started before she even had a
name. At five she was trying out her mothers lipsticks and
other `pretty' things to see how they looked, to see how they felt.
Always in secret though – with tough brothers and a heavy fisted
father she was not going to get caught doing something `unmanly'.
By 12 I was buying my own lipsticks and clothes. And occasionally I
would get caught but somehow managed to avoid a beating… at least
most of the time. By 20, Adara wanted more and more to be noticed
so she eventually made it out to the public eye… but still appeared
the saucy adolescent.

Now she is reaching a higher state of evolvement. Gender Evolve,
the group, the site have empowered her, liberated her and in the
process swallowed up some of the male identity. Not necessarily a
bad thing, not necessarily a good thing. I mean after all he is
important to her survival. He is a good father, a good husband and
a good friend. He is her mate, all in one. But Adara's assertion
is maturation of character. Her influence brings greater
compassion, greater empathy and higher understanding to him. He is
learning to be less competitive, trying not to prove himself so hard
for the world…to embrace that female energy inside…

It comes from an honest place… and the gender influence is an
authentic one.

Adara needs to grow. She needs to break free of the little boy who
got yanked out of bed at 6 by his ears (literally) by an absent
father coming home from a graveyard shift and not finding HIS domain
as HE expected. The little boy who grew up trying harder and harder
to prove himself to the world, to an unavailable father who knew no
other mechanism than to beat his sons into submission. From the
brothers who had stabbed her or shot her because guys just do those
kinds of things. From the boy who would take her soul and smother
it with preconceived notions of what was supposed to be. And from
the mother who wanted a daughter, but could not protect the son from
an ugly hand…

The evolution of the whole person through gender duality is both
rewarding and necessary in the evolution of the world. Not everyone
will recognize or accept the union of the whole. Not everyone needs
to express the beauty that is the celebration of both ying and
yang. But there is a place for those who do. And the time is now.
And the place is here.



Adarabeth ......

So, so similiar......your experiences seem to mirror my own.

My father lived away to work during the week and expected to decompress on the weekends when he came home (but not actually parenting his 4 kids!!). He used severe punishments to right the wrongs of the previous week repeatedly (what a novel way to get his attention).

My two older brothers (yeah .... i've been "shot" - pellet and BB guns but we also grew up with a swimming pool. my most abusive brother used to love to "drown" me and the terror of nearly blacking out under water wasn't too fun.

I never got "caught" dressing because i never did it very much but managed to get caught from the wife I am still with several times. She has now guilted and shamed me to where it's all back in the closet again.

What I have learned is to accept my female side ........ the problem I have now is I have no identity with my male side and thus, no balance.

Just wanted to write and say I empathize ...... AND ...... I'm damn good at the adrenaline sports like big wave surfing, extreme
snowboarding and had pioneered skateboarding pools and ramps back in the seventies ........ you said that adrenaline attracts you also.

Now ...... i mostly rot in front of the computer - HA!!

Arianne said…
Oh Adara,

yes indeed, you do strike a sensitive cord within all us here I think.

The elusive balance point is so hard to find sometimes. I myself have spent many years trying to define every part of the "me" equation, just to find out there are way too many variables that are added over time. Our ponderation on how much of who gets out at what time is constantly challenged, almost on a daily basis sometimes.

And, in my honest opinion, the absence of the father figure is just as detrimental as an abusive one. But I always wondered if it really played a role in our gender definition. I mean, does an abusive or absent father figure during our youth really influenced who or what we are today? I for one, think not.
But then again, I could be wrong.
Psychology is not my forte.


Thank you Arianne - forte or not, I whole heartedly agree with you that a gender definition is independent of our fathers role in our lives. Although my childhood up to the time I was 10 was not the kind of childhood my own children will have (I will NEVER understand how hitting a child teaches discipline or anything else for that matter), my fathers influence on my gender identity was minor, er, sort of. I knew I did not want to grow up and be like him. But that really was not the reason why I think growing up as a women would have been any different. Or... oh no now look what u have done... you've got me thinking about it! I am certain he would have treated a little girl way differently than a little boy. But I am no where certain that had i been born female i would have had a more fulfilling life.

Actually, I do not accredit my gender dual harmony to my dad or my mom for that matter. I know I loved to dress up and pretend to be a girl long before puberty. But the affects of puberty and the sensuality of ALL that getting dolled up brought (it wasnt enough to just have clothes, I wanted makeup, perfume, accessories, even panty liners for my 'periods' (now that has got to freak out the real girls... imagine, a guy who wanted to experience this less than pleasant aspect of being female), was the cement that ultimately brought me where I am today. One cannot deny the powerful effect of sexual energy on the soul. It is transformational by itself.

There are as many commonalities about the evolution of the transgendered individual as there are differences. But I have not read much regarding poor parenting styles leading to dysphoria.

And I dont believe there is any one explanation for the spectrum in the community... which adds to both the intrigue and confusion out there. At some point the individual either accepts or rejects who they are. Lucky are the ones who choose the former and move forward with that decision. And, like you, on the quest to knowing oneself we find that balance or at least strive to obtain it.

My little boy has reached that place of peace and forgiveness. And now I can grow that little girl into being a spirit the world will embrace.

Hi Girls!
I as well don't think that the father generates any
steerage which is a determinant in Gender "preferance'
& selection by some to allow what is most certainly an
inner pulse. We cannot deny this to ourselves any more
than we could cut off the body in order to save the
head kinda thing...
Although certain behaviors are determined by our
parents... for example, my father was a lawyer...a and my mother an uber consevative card
carrying member of the Christian Right...
My father married my mom for all the wrong reasons...
namely because she was a college beauty queen, best I
can figure anyway... his demeanor had nothing to do
with being on the same plane spiritually (thank
He enjoyed staying away from the house at work (where
he could carry on with a rotating staff of
sextraterial skirts) and being on the golf course, or
some other excuse...
I really didn't care, and basically having less of
him around the more time I could get to spend learning
to walk in my Mom's heels....she was one of those
archtypical post war stereotypes, and was probably
doing her best to channel Jackie O in terms of
portraying the perfect mother & archetype.
Her ruthless supression though of my dad's real
nature one day drove them apart... my dad getting an
apt, where the sextratery's could get bounced off the
mattress with unbridled aplumb...
My mom broke down, and one day my dad packed it up in
the big car, and said he was leaving.
I asked him if I would ever see him agaiin, and he
looked at me & replied, "no, I don't think so"
And darned if he wasen't finally telling the truth
about something... I never have seen him or spoken to
him or even know if he's still on the's
been 32 years since that happened in my life, and it
has I think, had certain ramifications with no father
figure really ever around, so in that way, possibly
his behavior did affect my female side to teh extent
that it was MUCH easier to let Bri breath after he
left... my mom was so scattered at the bitchslap that
she didn't notice my comings & goings as the young
Bri... and my brother, abusive jock that he was,
(until the day that I branded him...literally! oweee!
Aww, did I do that?...;p served him right) had gone
away to college... good. all the easier for the girl
to practice being a girl...
SO, the lack of a strong male presence allowed for my
creativity to blossom...and conversely caused a
problem with discipline... I have ever since been
pretty free ranging, adventurous, and have seen the
growth of my different layers without much
interruption which could have made me surpress what
was always inside...
Therefore, I was not driven to this conclusion by
either parent... Each in their own way did play a role
in my evolution as a human & female in particular...
NOT to say that the Boi isn't there too, but rather
that the choice to let live was not a hard one for me,
nor was it's facilitation ruthlessly surpressed by
male domination...
I looked for role models in the likes of Kathryn &
Audry Hepburn, sassy (woops, I said that word!)
sofisticated & cosmopolitain... all things that I've
tried to become... So, Rocko, how'm I dooin? LOL ...
This abandonment, though, Michele, is why my kitten
who has bad manners will NOT be given away by me, but
loved in spite of his stinky Ya don't give
away those who you have made a comittment to love &
take care of... That's just simple math by me, we can
all learn, right?
SO, in conclusion, childhood, loved the hype, hated
the reality. Things got alot better when I was outt'a
there, and could start to build on Bri & me too, baby
steps along the way... I've still got alot to learn,
but at least am comfortable with the G in me, and do
exist out there on the big blue marble as my rightful
girlself sometimes, wish it were always, but all
things in their own time...Bri's time is good, & alive
with friends... She's finally getting what she
deserves... ;D

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