What's the "End Game"?

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(by Jenna Taylor)

Hello Ladies,

I recently arrived home this evening, or should I say this morning from a "night out on the town". Now, since I was driving, there was no alcohol involved it the evening. So I won't receive a BWI(blogging while intoxicated) . Yet my soberity has left me with one nagging question.

What's the "end game"?

As I look forward to an evening out en femme, with friends I am usually excited. The chance to let loose with my feminine fancies in full regalia is intoxicating . Yet at the end of the night, I'm faced with the evening's epilogue. The regretful return to regular me. Removing makeup, nail polish and, oh those wonderful clothes is got to be the biggest let down in the world. I can feel the pain of the crew for Ringling Brothers on the last night of a sucessful campaign in any particular city.

I usually prepare for the evening out several days in advance. I know if I'm going out, say over the weekend, I'll keep my nails long, paint the toenails and shave myself. This way on the evening of my en femme episodes, I can reshave without rushing or nicking and just paint my fingernails. Careful planning and stratigic maneuvering highlight my week. I can live with this. I mean, the buildup is well worth it. It just the decompression that "kills" me.

I want it all( who doesn't). I love my male self. I love my female self. It's just that I believe I compromise my male side too much in order to fullfill my female side. I'm no spring chicken and like to think Mrs Right is out there. I'm not looking for Mrs. Right-Now. So there is some sense of urgency. I mean I want to share all the love I possess with someone other that my friends and family." Can't have it , all by yourself." is a catchy line from a country song. Yet I know this androgynous persona I've become is not appealing to the fairer sex. At the end of it all, I'm sliding more into the female realm and further and further from my male self. I'm not too sure I like this.

Maybe I should be posting this at "The Diary of a Mad Transgendered Woman " blog. Yet from the roster of girls assembled here, I know some wise and caring input will be received.

Looking for that magic pill,
Jenna Taylor
I was born in the correct gender and body, as incongruent as they may be. Society unfortunately was born with the incorrect tolerance, patience and understanding.

Comments

Jenna Elizabeth said…
Thank you Steffanie. What you have stated is very true. Yet, what's "the light at the end of the tunnel" as you said. This is propably directed more towards non-TS girls here, yet the paths we take can be VERY indentical. Some would say some CDs are undirected TS( lack of a therapist). Why? I'm shaved almost all the time. I go abit "wild" here and then. I suspect GGs do too! ;) So... why deny the male gender clues?
July 24, 2005 10:44 AM
Jenna Elizabeth said…
WOW Alexis, and everyone. Very thought provoking comments. In particular the questions you asked Alexis.

Yes, I met Mrs. Right. She is the reason I'm out! She loved me unconditionally and was the first living soul I told about my crossdressing. Gawd was that scary! She took me shopping to buy clothes. She helped with makeup. I cannot answer how she would have responded over the long run. I lost her 5 yrs ago. Yet I do know, if it became unbearable for her, she would have silently suffered until it surfaced. In the end, relationship or not, she would have still loved me and been my friend. That was just Robin's way.

If though in a year, Mrs Right, the to be named latter, not the heretofor named former(LOL) said "There needs to be some changes here" I would reply " My nature cannot be compromised, yet my behavior should be". If she wanted me to deny my feminine side, then she's NOT Mrs. Right, she's Mrs. Let Me Stop the Car Right Here and Let Yo Az Out.

As far as balancing myself(or selves) in a healthy manner. My male side is dominant. Only fittingly, he's the breadwinner. Jenna is the nurturer. As a hetrosexual male, meaning sex only with genetic women, I am not seen as "stud Muffin" although coworkers call me " Eye Candy"(female coworkers) I wear my hair long.( To my collarbone and below) My eyebrows are waxed and shaped. I keep my fingernails manicured and excessively long( for a man, the tips of my nails are at least 1/4" long) I shave my body at least twice a month, sometimes more often. And if caught in the Emergency Room, the staff may get a chuckle out of my painted toe nails! I also do the candlelite bubble baths! Ahhhhhhhhh.

What I was truly struck by Alexis was your excellent question.
"What may I ask do you NOT like? Having to let go of something? Or fear of the certain (but feels unknown) future in which you've seen others follow already, but question "Is it for you"?"

I would have to say, letting go. Sorry for what I'm about to say, anyone under the age of 18, please close your eyes for the next 4 words " I love my penis!" I don't know if I'm willing to trade in the plumbing.
The issuse for me is, how far down that road do I dare travel before I reach the point of no return( lack of functional equipment and am not found attractive by women) If I lose that, I have no masculinity let. then the balance is gone. No?

Well, I've bloviated enough for one sitting. Thank you all again. Your candor, wit and wisdom is a Godsend!
July 24, 2005 10:04 PM
Jenna Elizabeth said…
WOW Girls, Thank you all! (As I wipe a tear from my eye) Your input means the world to me right now. I'm going through a transitional period in my professional life. And the stress is increasing slightly, yet its the uncertainty of gender expression with my new job that has me vexed. Oh, and I broke a nail (DAMN I hate when that happens) Thank you again, I love you all!
July 26, 2005 8:14 PM
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