What's the "End Game"?

(by Jenna Taylor)

Hello Ladies,

I recently arrived home this evening, or should I say this morning from a "night out on the town". Now, since I was driving, there was no alcohol involved it the evening. So I won't receive a BWI(blogging while intoxicated) . Yet my soberity has left me with one nagging question.

What's the "end game"?

As I look forward to an evening out en femme, with friends I am usually excited. The chance to let loose with my feminine fancies in full regalia is intoxicating . Yet at the end of the night, I'm faced with the evening's epilogue. The regretful return to regular me. Removing makeup, nail polish and, oh those wonderful clothes is got to be the biggest let down in the world. I can feel the pain of the crew for Ringling Brothers on the last night of a sucessful campaign in any particular city.

I usually prepare for the evening out several days in advance. I know if I'm going out, say over the weekend, I'll keep my nails long, paint the toenails and shave myself. This way on the evening of my en femme episodes, I can reshave without rushing or nicking and just paint my fingernails. Careful planning and stratigic maneuvering highlight my week. I can live with this. I mean, the buildup is well worth it. It just the decompression that "kills" me.

I want it all( who doesn't). I love my male self. I love my female self. It's just that I believe I compromise my male side too much in order to fullfill my female side. I'm no spring chicken and like to think Mrs Right is out there. I'm not looking for Mrs. Right-Now. So there is some sense of urgency. I mean I want to share all the love I possess with someone other that my friends and family." Can't have it , all by yourself." is a catchy line from a country song. Yet I know this androgynous persona I've become is not appealing to the fairer sex. At the end of it all, I'm sliding more into the female realm and further and further from my male self. I'm not too sure I like this.

Maybe I should be posting this at "The Diary of a Mad Transgendered Woman " blog. Yet from the roster of girls assembled here, I know some wise and caring input will be received.

Looking for that magic pill,
Jenna Taylor


Steffanie said…
Hi Jenna, I always have alot of trouble with "tearing down". My job is very male and I feel more and more like I betray my womanhood every time I go to work and try not to show any female tendancies. Until the meds took over, Sex was also a big factor. Sexual release would allow me to face the taking off of the clothes, makeup, etc. I would sometimes delay this for days if the circumstances allowed me to remain en femme that long.
Perhaps two things have changed the most. First, I no longer stop shaving my legs, chest and arms for summer or during the week. My nails grow as they will and the only problem is that I can't stop breaking them. I am free to dress at home and am much more content to be casual than totally made up. In short, I no longer restrain my inner girl but encourage her presence and challenge her to perfect herself everywhere but work.
The second liberating factor, actually 2 seperate ones, is that The meds have taken alot of the testosterone out of the equation and therefore the sexual buildup and release cycle. Had I known this, I would have gone ahead and transitioned at 16 and saved alot of pain. part 2 is that I now have a strong light at the end of the tunnel. Before, there was no end in sight and "butching out" just reminded me that I couldn't remain as the woman I loved being. A lot of resentment emerged twards the factors around us that don't allow us to live as we will. Now, At least I know that I don't have to go on becoming a man for them much longer. Nothing can stop me now but myself and I am full speed ahead. now I go to stores in boy mode and giggle quietly to myself when clerks MAM me ad whisper, not much longer now steff, not much longer.
i'm sorry if all this isn't much help to someone who is not transitioning. Several years ago someone said "why do you want to transition? You've got the best of both worlds". After a lot of thought I realized that it wasn't the best of anything for me. it was only the source of my turmoil. However, if it is truely the best for you then STAY THERE! Transsexualism is no place to be if you don't want it with all your heart. Hugs, Steff
Jenna said…
Thank you Steffanie. What you have stated is very true. Yet, what's "the light at the end of the tunnel" as you said. This is propably directed more towards non-TS girls here, yet the paths we take can be VERY indentical. Some would say some CDs are undirected TS( lack of a therapist). Why? I'm shaved almost all the time. I go abit "wild" here and then. I suspect GGs do too! ;) So... why deny the male gender clues?
Alexis Rene said…
Ok Jenna, I went to the pharmacy on your behalf(mine too actually) to get/look for the "magic pills"...Ah-hem...So after I POSTED BAIL and am now back at home I don't recommend you go there looking for them!:) They just don't have a sense of humor in that manner.*Smiles* Just teasing.

Jenna, I can totally relate with what you said. I feel I am in that boat too. Think mine is taking on water though.:)
I just have a couple of questions and not looking for a public answer of sorts, just more of an introspective thingy for you.

If tomorrow you stumbled across Miss Right and she was the "one". I mean...You have never clicked with ANY person ever quite like this before and the sensualities of the relationship are beyond your wildest of dreams....And by sensualities,I mean everything. The all encompassing emotionally/ spiritually charged sort of relationship everyone seeks. That "sort" of relationship!
Fast forward a year into it and she asked "Jenna" to leave the equation. No matter your answer, it would change everything. For both and also the interpretation of the feelings. The reason I ask this is, It won't only be you doing the balancing of the Yin and the Yang theories in the relationship.

Second question(s)...As of now, How do you balance both lives in a healthy manner? Wouldn't one side or the other have to dominate? Even in my daily life I am seen as a "lightwieght" boy. I am not yet seen as a girl visually but definitely don't fall under the masculine carnage either....
Have you thought about what you are willing to give up in order to GAIN for the other half of you?...Just for the sake of sanity....I know Michele noted about the two sides living harmoniously together....Which would Rock! But if the only thing that is kept is what is between the legs...How much of your male side would you feel/see/want anyway.....Real world-day to day life! It is alot of weight to wear on ones soul.

As far as sex goes....If heterosexual couples are still going to therapy for sex related issues after a couple of thousand of years of evolution,the bisexual world is going to be even more mystified in emotional conflicts.

For now,til the answers are uncovered from within you, The best medicine is the little things as Michele & Stef noted. Candle-lit bubble baths, Keep toe nails polished, frequent trips to your fav store in the mall:)Whatever you feel that would embody Jenna....and it won't feel as much as a decompression thingy particularly if you plan it after your Sat. night adventures for the following Sunday.

Wish you the best hon!!! XXOO, Alexis
Alexis Rene said…
'Doh Sorry but have another question....I just re-read your text and you said "At the end of it all, I'm sliding more into the female realm and further and further from my male self. I'm not too sure I like this."
What may I ask do you NOT like? Having to let go of something? Or fear of the certain (but feels unknown) future in which you've seen others follow already, but question "Is it for you"? K I know that is presumptious and from my perspective but ....after everything that is the home run statement from your thoughts.

K, I will be quiet now... I promise:)
XXOO, Alexis
Jenna said…
WOW Alexis, and everyone. Very thought provoking comments. In particular the questions you asked Alexis.

Yes, I met Mrs. Right. She is the reason I'm out! She loved me unconditionally and was the first living soul I told about my crossdressing. Gawd was that scary! She took me shopping to buy clothes. She helped with makeup. I cannot answer how she would have responded over the long run. I lost her 5 yrs ago. Yet I do know, if it became unbearable for her, she would have silently suffered until it surfaced. In the end, relationship or not, she would have still loved me and been my friend. That was just Robin's way.

If though in a year, Mrs Right, the to be named latter, not the heretofor named former(LOL) said "There needs to be some changes here" I would reply " My nature cannot be compromised, yet my behavior should be". If she wanted me to deny my feminine side, then she's NOT Mrs. Right, she's Mrs. Let Me Stop the Car Right Here and Let Yo Az Out.

As far as balancing myself(or selves) in a healthy manner. My male side is dominant. Only fittingly, he's the breadwinner. Jenna is the nurturer. As a hetrosexual male, meaning sex only with genetic women, I am not seen as "stud Muffin" although coworkers call me " Eye Candy"(female coworkers) I wear my hair long.( To my collarbone and below) My eyebrows are waxed and shaped. I keep my fingernails manicured and excessively long( for a man, the tips of my nails are at least 1/4" long) I shave my body at least twice a month, sometimes more often. And if caught in the Emergency Room, the staff may get a chuckle out of my painted toe nails! I also do the candlelite bubble baths! Ahhhhhhhhh.

What I was truly struck by Alexis was your excellent question.
"What may I ask do you NOT like? Having to let go of something? Or fear of the certain (but feels unknown) future in which you've seen others follow already, but question "Is it for you"?"

I would have to say, letting go. Sorry for what I'm about to say, anyone under the age of 18, please close your eyes for the next 4 words " I love my penis!" I don't know if I'm willing to trade in the plumbing.
The issuse for me is, how far down that road do I dare travel before I reach the point of no return( lack of functional equipment and am not found attractive by women) If I lose that, I have no masculinity let. then the balance is gone. No?

Well, I've bloviated enough for one sitting. Thank you all again. Your candor, wit and wisdom is a Godsend!
Alexis Rene said…

Hey, I truly commend you on your bravery on sharing your "life" with Robin. That is a huge step forward and a bridge that scares me senseless. As all of my daily friends and family are so intertwined that I feel if I told a S.O., I might as well send a memo out to everyone else within a week.

I have seen comments from girls who have said it truly emboldened their relationships after their S.O. came out to them. However, I tend to view things from a slightly more paranoid set of eyes. As it could be a stacked deck and if that day comes that the girl plays that card out of angst, you better be well and ready to come out to the world! So for my own comfort level, until I am ready to tell the world what is really behind these eyes....My lips are sealed.;)

But obviously, I am taking baby steps with going out here n there and more and more of a web presence through profiles etc.

Again I do admire what you
shared with the girl of the past and so hope you find that fortune in the near future again!:)

Oh Oh Oh One last note....I have a neighbor who is a Union Plumber and he says he can fix anything so I wouldn't worry about yours as I will get you his card.....Errr umm wait you weren't meaning the kitchen sink type of plumbing were ya? Oops! Sowwy!:):):)

Take care girl XXOO,Alexis
Arianne said…
Hi Jenna,

With all these references to a word I often use myself, i.e. "balance", I can only toss in my two pennys worth and say that it is something YOU have to find for yourself. This balance is, and should be, a path that each of us must define on its own unique way. It is different for you, for me, for all of us. Whatever makes YOU happy! If you feel you are crossing boundaries that YOU should not, then pull back. I call it the gray zone of transvestism and it feels like walking in a field full of landmines sometimes. Just like many, you need to feel comfortable with both gender and at the same time are not sure where one begins and where the other one should end.

For myself, if you need to draw on the comparison, the existence of both is necessary in order to have a functional innerself. But after a decade of trial and error I have come to the conclusion that there can be no in between, to some extent of course. When a man, I shy away from wearing anything feminine like pantyhose under my business suit or change my appearance with anything that can't be replaced by artificial means (hair, nails, etc...). Whenever the woman is ready to come out though, oh becareful there! The quest is on to be the closest thing to being a woman as I deem physically and psychologically possible. The duality is at extreme opposite maybe, but in my case, it is a necessity for a plenitude of reasons that are beyond this simple comment. So, unlike you I presume, I try to minimize the overlap between the two. Boy mode and girl mode are very distinctive while the inner part is more complicated.

You are also describing the preparation phase of the transformation with what I refer to as "the ritual". The feelings and thought process of a crossdresser during this preparation is mind-boggling. Just like a drug addict who is preparing his needle or a rat waiting for his reward, our brain releases high levels of dopamine and the excitement takes over us. We shave away, peel away, glide on the nylon, slip into the dress and stilettos, dab the makeup with more exuberance than Picasso himself, always focusing on the outcome, the other side, the liberation.... (ouf, I need fresh air please, LOL!!!) All this to say that it is normal to have this feeling of withdrawal after some time well spent into bliss. The question being, can you deal with it? Figuratively speaking, compare this with a ladder. You do make a conscious decision and take every step (the ritual) to get up to the top of the ladder and fly like a bird. Why then, while up there, do you need to suddenly jump down and say it's over? This could be what hurts the most. Instead, just take another conscious decision to come down one step at a time. (yeah, I know, I hate metaphors too).
Anyway, it works for me.

TTFN, xoxox
Devi said…
Hi Jenna,
I'm more than a decade younger than you and have never been out dressed, but I can empathise a lot of what you wrote.

I've known and wanted to express my feminine side since I was very young. I must have been six or seven the first time. I've always been at peace with it, and never went through any attempts to fight it. I've purged, but it was more a matter of move-related inconvenience than internal conflict.

I've always been aware though, that this wasn't something I could openly do. Girls can vary the tone of their attire from extremely feminine to borderline or significantly masculine without repercussions. On the other hand, even when not in femme mode, there are moments when I'd feel more comfortable in a pair of lined slacks and a pastel blouse or tank but can't quite do that with the same degree of ease.

The flexibility of gender expression for us is extremely curtailed. Even if you have the courage to openly profess your CDing, that ends up showing only two ends - the fully male end and fully female end of expression, despite the fact that we're (at least myself and it seems you) not willing to be at either end on a permanent basis.

I believe the inflexibility in expressing our androgynous gender identities and being constrained to express only two ends does affect us. Particularly so when the question of relationships arise, as you mentioned. If a woman expects her partner to be a 'man' implying he cannot overtly express his femininity, is the opposite not obligated - with her required to not express stereotypically male attributes ?

Now that I'm getting into controversial topics involving feminism and masculine stereotypes, I'll stop so that I don't make it into too many 'most wanted' lists.

Jenna said…
WOW Girls, Thank you all! (As I wipe a tear from my eye) Your input means the world to me right now. I'm going through a transitional period in my professional life. And the stress is increasing slightly, yet its the uncertainty of gender expression with my new job that has me vexed. Oh, and I broke a nail (DAMN I hate when that happens) Thank you again, I love you all!

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