Monday, September 22, 2008

My Wife, Bob

I often wonder sometimes how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot - that being, that, if one night, my wife would have come to bed, got under the sheets and surprised me wearing Men's Briefs and genitalia to compliment them. Could I be ok with that, if it were me?


Lets take it a step further and add in Male hormones, a boy hair cut, facial hair and she would now like YOU to address her, as "him" - a "man" named Bob.


I have talked with hundreds of M2F cross dressers and transsexuals, and one of the things that I find that most (but not all) have overwhelmingly in common, is that they identify as heterosexual, or Trans-Lesbian. I wonder how any of these people (or anyone, for that matter) would feel if their wife came home and said, “I think I am man”.


If you’re Transgendered, try to imagine for one second that your not. Now imagine your beautiful wife that you fell in love with - and all her femininity that balances your masculinity, is now being offset by her’s. Think about your first company picnic, where you bring your wife and all your co-workers and even your boss is first exposed to your “spouse”, Bob. Could you deal with having to be forced to appear as a homosexual Gay man?


Better question: Could you perform sexually and stay committed emotionally to a man. I’m not talking about TG issues here. I am talking about if you were just an every day, run of the mill American Male, COULD YOU DO IT? Could you stay with a woman that transitioned fully, Post-Op into a Male? That is to say, that we presume she wants to stay with you, and not pursue a female to live or marry after she transitions. How would you feel when your wife, now a male, goes out and starts getting looked at or picked up by women - How would you feel about her/him taking lots of videos and photos and posting them all over the internet with you or your children in them? Can you imagine that? What if she/he spent all his time online talking to God knows who about God knows what.... while you are all alone in your room... would you question your self worth? How would all this effect your dignity?


These are the things we ask of our spouses when we begin to cross the gender divide.


Personally, I will admit, after thinking long and hard on this question, I could not. This is where I find myself to be weak and shallow. At the end of the day, when the truth be told, I fell in love with my wife FIRST because she was a complete babe! I got to know her over the course of time and even fall in love with her – But it was her Red hair and 36C Chest that caused me to run red lights!


I did not begin my marriage thinking I would transition – I accepted that both of us would get old and grey and I could accept her, no matter what – in sickness and in health; even if that included being overweight, or otherwise. However, it goes with out saying that NO ONE bargains or even fathoms that their spouse will change their gender. So when you think “in sickness and in health”, you never really allow yourself to think that may mean gender variance too.


Maybe its my heightened sense of femininity that makes me shutter that if I was still living as Ted, and my wife Rene wanted to be Bob, how HARD that would be on everyone – Myself included. Of course, living as a Female now, I would be perfectly ok with being married to a man, as that compliments my femininity... {dares to dream} *sigh*


I know this is a double standard – I KNOW I am a hypocrite. Still, it seems to me that being a lesbian in this world is more widely tolerated than being a homosexual male. People can deal with giving into femininity, especially when it’s a woman giving into it – but I have yet to see where anyone “other than Gay men” want to see 2 men kissing. There are no “Guys Gone Wild” videos of young sexy college Co-Ed’s kissing in the shower (At least not to my knowledge). Can you imagine that?... A woman going around with a camera to construction sites and sunny beaches asking men to lift up their shirts - or for that matter, TAKE A SHOWER? lol


My wife has admitted to me very candidly, that if our children were not in the scenario, she’d be gone. (yeah, it leaves a horrible feeling in my gut). But can you blame her? I used too… now… I am not so sure.


In the beginning I used to tell myself “I am the same person, what’s the big deal?” Well, it IS a big deal. Weather you’re a man or a woman, when people get married, their masculine or feminine persona is part of the exterior contract that goes with the vows – and it goes with out saying. A woman marries a man because they expect to live a heterosexual life and vice versa.


Of course I thought about these things LONG before I transitioned – but they just didn’t seem to click. That was, until I had a nightmare a few weeks back. In the Nightmare, I was again my Male heterosexual self, Ted. My wife and I were on our way to a meeting – the meeting was in a dim lit basement of someone’s home and everyone there was a man. After socializing for a few minutes, I realized my wife was nowhere to be found among all these men. I searched for what seemed like all night, asking everyone “have you seen my wife?” – They just laughed, looking puzzled… It wasn’t until the end of the night that I finally realized, the guy with the short red hair, was my Wife, Bob…


-Chloe

1 comments:

Transgender Vanessa said...

Nicely put. I think that sometimes we find it difficult to empathize with how our wife would actually feel. I joke with my wife that it would be perfect if she were to become a man, since then I could transition and we'd both be happy.

But of course that's not how it works out. It's very rare to get into that situation since you weren't attracted to the gender-switched version of your spouse.

The answer is hard though. I often struggle with wanting to live as who I am, and loving my wife so much that I can't bear to hurt her. It's almost as if every breath I take leave less oxygen for her. And by holding my breath I'll slowly die in an attempt to make her happy.

I wrote a short piece about empathizing with your wife's point of view here:
You're Not The Only One Embarrassed By Crossdressing