Is She Friend or Foe?

The following was inspired by conversations with a dear friend who has been crossdressing since his early teens, and presently continues to struggle with guilt, shame, repression, denial... I hope to give this person and any of you who feel similarly, a more accepting way to relate to your inner woman. You are so beautiful, if only you could see what I see in you....

****

Dear one, for the past couple of years I have been delving into the psychology of what you are feeling. I have been connecting with special souls who endure the same inner bondage that you know all too well. I have a deep level of empathy for your plight, and from my vantage point, my wish is to convey to you a sense of peace surrounding who you are inside. If you will permit, I will show you a different perspective on this aspect which you have fought so hard against all of your life.

You tell me you wish these feelings were not part of you, and essentially if you could make your inner woman and her desires cease to exist, life would be much easier. This is all very true, yet I suspect that you have spent the last 30+ years wishing she would leave you in peace, trying to stifle her, ignore and deny her, shove her away in a box, yet never managing to quite rid yourself of her presence. I suspect that if it were possible to eradicate her, you would have done so long ago. So let's assume for a moment that she is an integral part of you, one which can not be permanently evicted under any circumstance.

With this in mind, you have two choices… to embrace her, or resist her. In either event she will continue to exist within you, the main difference is how she will make you feel inside and the consequent impact on all other areas of your life. Recognize and embrace her and she has the capacity to bring you inner peace and expanded awareness. Deny and resist her and she will bring the demons of guilt and shame to haunt you.

You can spend the rest of your life trying to crush this aspect of you, or you can reach inside and harness her feminine power in ways that lift you to new heights of awareness and understanding. You can perceive her as a negative element of yourself which is dirty, wrong and shameful… or you can recognize her precious value to your authentic self. Only you have the power to shift your perception of yourself. She can be your greatest gift or your worst curse, depending on how you treat her.

While it is not essential to come out and reveal your truth to anyone unless you choose, it is poison when you lie to yourself, deny yourself, hide in the shadows of your own mind, closed off from your inner light. In such a state of internal misalignment, you slowly whither and die inside, or you spontaneously combust, whichever comes first.

Taming the inner shrew can be a life-long civil war causing endless turmoil, or it can be a harmonious union between your inner male and female working together to function as a more complete human. Once you have acknowledged and accepted this aspect of yourself, you will quickly begin to feel a greater sense of control over your own life and desires.

I urge you to be the first to have compassion for yourself, and embrace your inner woman as a legitimate, valuable and worthy part of you. This does not mean she must become a predominant part of your life, or that radical changes are required, that you should transition, or that she should even necessarily show up on your surface. These are personal choices and each person is different. Rather I am saying that you will feel instant relief the moment you stop fighting and shaming her, and instead begin to celebrate and love her. You are actually very blessed to have her, whether or not you believe so right now.

You are being given the opportunity to foster the self-worth to be True; your reward is transcendence of the shame, guilt, and self-loathing you have felt, into a new light of inner peace, self-acceptance and tranquility. The choice is yours exclusively, only your heart can guide you to what feels right for you.

Love and blessings,
Michele Angelique

Comments

Joni_G said…
Michele Angelique,

It is almost as if you were writing this to me. I continue to hide my inner girl from most of the world, but I no longer deny her to myself. The denial was eating me up inside and I was close to collapse and potentially harming my dear ones.

Embracing her is a longer process than I would like, but rushing things would not be good either. I am more at peace with this part of me, and can at least cope with life with a brighter view of things.

Bless you!

Joni
Adarabeth Veau said…
whew ... sigh ... THIS is the Michele Angelique I know, and quite honestly one of the best writings/visions I have seen from you yet (and it is exceptionally hard to say you actually have a 'best' - ALL of your writings have been poignant and powerful).

Thank you very much Michele for giving so freely - and for sharing your perspective here (and other places). I couldnt agree more with your perceptions and insights and when I have opportunity to counsel or even just be a friend to a transperson, offer the same opinion. You elevate the conscious spirit of the world and we are blessed with this grace. Personally, I am inspired by it too and work towards this same grace, that inner woman inside of me vying for a greater voice. The real blessing for me is that I have many examples of this grace that I admire so, aspire to, and certainly, yours is amongst the highest.

With love and respect,

Adarabeth
Stephanie Yates said…
Michele,
This is indeed excellent and extraordinarily well-balanced. I agree wholeheartedly that being transgendered, ambigendered, or transsexual requires self-acceptance as the first step. It simply won't go away and it will manifest itself in some way. Even if completely repressed the anger and self-hatred resulting from the repression will come out inevitably. And I particularly like the very astute reminder that accepting one's inner femininity does not necessitate surgery, hormones or even "coming out"--particularly as a first step. You hit what is in my mind the key element: pursuing acceptance of yourself and understanding of how this acceptance can bring peace and positive things even to a closeted ambigendered male.
Great work, Michele!

Stephanie Yates
KC Tyler said…
Michele,

That is an awesome response, dear... and while I would say that had Stephanie written in from the first-person experience of living that life, the insight you have given here is incredible for one born to the gender! We who desire to live in both genders (which, I realize, makes me different from my more transtion-oriented sisters here) are a complicated bunch, but you certainly spoke here the words my heart could have dearly used a few years ago. With the help of my sisters, I found that inner peace... but Michele, with your help someone else will, too. So thank you for taking the time to make a difference!!

And, as your friend works through her emotions, please point her at some of her ambigendered sisters. For most of us, the journey was similar, and the peace discovered best found collectively.

Again, Michele... thank you for your "mission"!

Agape,
KC
Juli Roxx said…
Michele your blog is so well written, sounds so wonderful and reads almost like a fairytale. It suggests how easy it is to put tremendent positive effects into the lives and minds of people who encounter gender problems. It reminds me of cognitive therapy championed by author David Burns. Which basically says it's not events, environment, hate, trouble and non-acceptance from other people that is a problem at all. The problem lies in the attitude you adopt toward them. I'd sum it up with the over used phrase; it's not what happens to you it's how you think about it.
My feeling is that ideas like this simplify and basically ignore the truth of what is happening to people struggling with gender based prejudice and difficulties.
The article suggests that all that counts is what you think about yourself and to ignore obvious facts that are genuine problems and most difficult to deal with. It's sort of like telling a black person who can't get a job that there is no racial prejudices and what counts is how they think about it and themselves.
When I think of these wonderful sounding solutions to extremely difficult problems I see a person alone on a mountainside saying "I love myself, I am perfect as I am, the only thing that really counts is how I feel about myself." I know I'm fine with myself but still I'm alone outside the socially based societies people live in.
A person lives, survives and thrives as a social animal with basic needs. These wants and needs aren't always being met or attained enough when you live a transexual life.
Is it really true that if you pretend everything is okay, you are happy with your life and love how you are being treated that it will come to be?
Unfortunately how other people feel about you is the most important part of one's self-esteem. A person operates and acts on feedback from other people. If you fail repeatly in anything you do, you get a good idea of what is going to happen on your next try. You know you are going to fail because it has been demonstrated to you time and time again.
Oh, how I wish it was different and a positive attitude and outlook would create positive results in a world that is both good and bad. Unfortunately the truth is black people are prejudiced against often and know it's going to happen to them.
A transgendered person and sex changes know they are generally not going to be accepted but laughed at and will encounter social failure after social failure. I'm sorry but when I really love myself and know that I am a wonderful and privileged person, I'm still very likely to encounter non-acceptance, difficulty finding and keeping my needs for employment, relationships, family, love, sex and other things a person really requires to live a happy fulfilled life. Pretending it's not true doesn't change the facts of truths that could be easily researched. Wouldn't it be great if most people felt the way Michele so elequently states she feels. Actions can speak truths and reality better than words. Saying it is so doesn't make it so. Open your eyes, employ all your senses, live in the moment and observe what is really happening. Sometimes these moments are hateful and deadly no matter how much you love you yourself and others.
Sunshine and truth Juli Roxx
Michele Angelique said…
Thank you Juli Roxx for sharing your perspective on my recent article "Is She Friend or Foe". I love it when different views are brought because it only stimulates my mind further. You've made a few points here which I'd like to comment on...

Juli: "The article suggests that all that counts is what you think about yourself and to ignore obvious facts that are genuine problems and most difficult to deal with."

I am certainly not suggesting that "all that counts is what you think about yourself", I am saying "the *most important* opinion is the one you hold of yourself"... big difference. Other people's thoughts and opinions might count also, depending who they are to you and how you feel about them. Yet if you consider yourself in a horrible light, most likely everyone else will consider you in a horrible light as well. Whereas if you consider yourself in a positive light, reality is that many will still consider you badly, but at least some will also be able to see and appreciate your goodness.

Juli: "Is it really true that if you pretend everything is okay, you are happy with your life and love how you are being treated that it will come to be?"

Certainly "pretending to be ok" when you are not ok, would be living in denial. Yet there is a difference between responsible acknowledgement of your problems vs. catastropic dwelling in them. Indeed, if you can find ways to be happy with your life, as painful as it may be, and if you can find ways to appreciate those precious few who do treat you well, life will at least start to feel a bit better. I'm not saying everything will be perfect, I am saying it would be a refreshing first step in a healthier direction.

Juli: "Unfortunately how other people feel about you is the most important part of one's self-esteem. A person operates and acts on feedback from other people."

This again depends on how you feel about yourself. It does not have to be true that your self-esteem is completely hinged on others opinions of you, although I know that many if not most people feel similarly. Yet be aware that you are choosing something completely beyond your control in which to base your entire self-concept, so it is no wonder you are frustrated. By expecting others to give you self-esteem, you set yourself up for certain failure. If you want anyone else to see anything of value in you, and give you positive feedback, you must first see that value in yourself. If you can see no value in yourself, no one else will either. As much as you want to give away your power and responsibility, self-esteem does in fact begin and end inside of you, no one else can give or take it. Therefore you must be the first to see that value in yourself. Through times when it seems like you might be the only one who sees that value in you, when it is most challenging to keep your self-esteem intact, that's when it is most critical not to let yourself down.

Juli: "You know you are going to fail because it has been demonstrated to you time and time again."

If you go into any situation "knowing you are going to fail", then you will definitely fail. If you see yourself as a failure, then in this moment you are a failure. Sadly, it will not turn around for as long as you "know you are going to fail" and such attitude guarantees a long hard road built on failure after failure. Only if you can begin to perceive yourself as capable and deserving of success do you have any hope of achieving it, although I am not saying it would be instantaneous or easy, just a necessary first step.

Juli: "I'm sorry but when I really love myself and know that I am a wonderful and privileged person, I'm still very likely to encounter non-acceptance, difficulty finding and keeping my needs for employment, relationships, family, love, sex and other things a person really requires to live a happy fulfilled life."

Indeed, you are still very likely to encounter all of these injustices, all of these hardships and prejudices. All of these exist in the world, and you have virtually no control over them. The only control you have is how you deal with them as they come along. Are you going to let them destroy you, or are you going to keep marching forward? Just as your expectancy of failure, if you anticipate crisis, hardship, pain and lack, this is all you will get time and again. With an attitude of positive expectancy, you will at least be strong enough to get up off the ground every time someone knocks you down.

Thank you again Juli for your comments, and I wish you all the best.

Love & light,
Michele
genevieve said…
I chose to embrace my feminine self and have never looked back. It has opened me up to people who are marginalized and discriminated against. I'm involved with a couple of groups and wish to do more. Gennee had brought inner contentment and liberation.

Gennee

Popular posts from this blog

My Son Wears My Clothes

CD/TV/TS labelling

TOP 10 Signs She's Flirting