Monday, September 22, 2008

My Wife, Bob

I often wonder sometimes how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot - that being, that, if one night, my wife would have come to bed, got under the sheets and surprised me wearing Men's Briefs and genitalia to compliment them. Could I be ok with that, if it were me?

Lets take it a step further and add in Male hormones, a boy hair cut, facial hair and she would now like YOU to address her, as "him" - a "man" named Bob.

I have talked with hundreds of M2F cross dressers and transsexuals, and one of the things that I find that most (but not all) have overwhelmingly in common, is that they identify as heterosexual, or Trans-Lesbian. I wonder how any of these people (or anyone, for that matter) would feel if their wife came home and said, “I think I am man”.

If you’re Transgendered, try to imagine for one second that your not. Now imagine your beautiful wife that you fell in love with - and all her femininity that balances your masculinity, is now being offset by her’s. Think about your first company picnic, where you bring your wife and all your co-workers and even your boss is first exposed to your “spouse”, Bob. Could you deal with having to be forced to appear as a homosexual Gay man?

Better question: Could you perform sexually and stay committed emotionally to a man. I’m not talking about TG issues here. I am talking about if you were just an every day, run of the mill American Male, COULD YOU DO IT? Could you stay with a woman that transitioned fully, Post-Op into a Male? That is to say, that we presume she wants to stay with you, and not pursue a female to live or marry after she transitions. How would you feel when your wife, now a male, goes out and starts getting looked at or picked up by women - How would you feel about her/him taking lots of videos and photos and posting them all over the internet with you or your children in them? Can you imagine that? What if she/he spent all his time online talking to God knows who about God knows what.... while you are all alone in your room... would you question your self worth? How would all this effect your dignity?

These are the things we ask of our spouses when we begin to cross the gender divide.

Personally, I will admit, after thinking long and hard on this question, I could not. This is where I find myself to be weak and shallow. At the end of the day, when the truth be told, I fell in love with my wife FIRST because she was a complete babe! I got to know her over the course of time and even fall in love with her – But it was her Red hair and 36C Chest that caused me to run red lights!

I did not begin my marriage thinking I would transition – I accepted that both of us would get old and grey and I could accept her, no matter what – in sickness and in health; even if that included being overweight, or otherwise. However, it goes with out saying that NO ONE bargains or even fathoms that their spouse will change their gender. So when you think “in sickness and in health”, you never really allow yourself to think that may mean gender variance too.

Maybe its my heightened sense of femininity that makes me shutter that if I was still living as Ted, and my wife Rene wanted to be Bob, how HARD that would be on everyone – Myself included. Of course, living as a Female now, I would be perfectly ok with being married to a man, as that compliments my femininity... {dares to dream} *sigh*

I know this is a double standard – I KNOW I am a hypocrite. Still, it seems to me that being a lesbian in this world is more widely tolerated than being a homosexual male. People can deal with giving into femininity, especially when it’s a woman giving into it – but I have yet to see where anyone “other than Gay men” want to see 2 men kissing. There are no “Guys Gone Wild” videos of young sexy college Co-Ed’s kissing in the shower (At least not to my knowledge). Can you imagine that?... A woman going around with a camera to construction sites and sunny beaches asking men to lift up their shirts - or for that matter, TAKE A SHOWER? lol

My wife has admitted to me very candidly, that if our children were not in the scenario, she’d be gone. (yeah, it leaves a horrible feeling in my gut). But can you blame her? I used too… now… I am not so sure.

In the beginning I used to tell myself “I am the same person, what’s the big deal?” Well, it IS a big deal. Weather you’re a man or a woman, when people get married, their masculine or feminine persona is part of the exterior contract that goes with the vows – and it goes with out saying. A woman marries a man because they expect to live a heterosexual life and vice versa.

Of course I thought about these things LONG before I transitioned – but they just didn’t seem to click. That was, until I had a nightmare a few weeks back. In the Nightmare, I was again my Male heterosexual self, Ted. My wife and I were on our way to a meeting – the meeting was in a dim lit basement of someone’s home and everyone there was a man. After socializing for a few minutes, I realized my wife was nowhere to be found among all these men. I searched for what seemed like all night, asking everyone “have you seen my wife?” – They just laughed, looking puzzled… It wasn’t until the end of the night that I finally realized, the guy with the short red hair, was my Wife, Bob…


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Comprehensive NCTE & NGLTF TG Survey

Comprehensive National Survey on Transgender Discrimination Launched by National Center for Transgender Equality and National Gay and Lesbian Task Force

"This is an absolutely critical national effort. We urge all transgender and gender non-conforming people to take the survey to help guide us in making better laws and policies that will improve the quality of life for all transgender people. We need everyone's voice in this, everyone's participation." Mara Keisling, Executive Director, National Center for Transgender Equality
Respond to the survey online at ONLINE SURVEY

WASHINGTON, DC September 11, 2008 -- In the wake of one of the most violent years on record of assaults on transgender people, the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE) and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (The Task Force) have teamed up on a comprehensive national survey to collect data on discrimination against transgender people in housing, employment, public accommodation, health care, education, family life and criminal justice. To date, in 2008, several young gender non-conforming people of color have been murdered, including California junior high school student Lawrence King, who was shot in public during the school day. King's murder, and the murders of Simmie Williams in South Carolina and Angie Zappata in Greeley, Colorado come in a year in which we are still working to include transgender provisions in a federal bill to protect lesbian, gay and bisexual workers from discrimination in employment. Hate crimes against transgender people suggest multiple points of vulnerability, which can compound each other: discrimination in employment may lead to unstable housing situations which in turn can leave transgender people at the mercy of public programs and public officials who may not respond respectfully or appropriately to them. These stressors add burdens in a health care system that is often unprepared for transgender people's needs. The list goes on. "We know that transgender people face discrimination on multiple fronts," said Mara Keisling, executive director of NCTE. "This data will help us sort out the combination of forces that leave transgender people vulnerable to unemployment, homelessness, and violence." Jaime Grant, director of the Task Force Policy Institute noted, "There is so little concrete data on the needs and risks associated with the widespread discrimination we see in the lives of the transgender people we know. This data will help point the way to an appropriate policy agenda to ensure that transgender people have a fair chance to contribute their talents in the workplace, in our educational systems and in our communities." NCTE and the Task Force have partnered with Pennsylvania State University's Center for the Study of Higher Education to collect and analyze the data. Applying rigorous academic standards to the investigation will strengthen any case made to legislators, policy makers, health care providers, and others whose decisions impact the lives of transgender people. A national team of experts in survey research and transgender issues developed the questionnaire, which can be completed on-line at
. Paper copies can also be downloaded from the NCTE and The Task Force websites soon. Keisling notes: "This is an absolutely critical national effort. We urge all transgender and gender non-conforming people to take the survey to help guide us in making better laws and policies that will improve the quality of life for all transgender people. We need everyone's voice in this, everyone's participation."
The National Center for Transgender Equality is a national social justice organization devoted to ending discrimination and violence against transgender people through education and advocacy on national issues of importance to transgender people. The National Center for Transgender Equality is a 501(c)3 organization. For more information, please visit mission of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force is to build the grassroots power of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community. We do this by training activists, equipping state and local organizations with the skills needed to organize broad-based campaigns to defeat anti-LGBT referenda and advance pro-LGBT legislation, and building the organizational capacity of our movement. Our Policy Institute, the movement's premier think tank, provides research and policy analysis to support the struggle for complete equality and to counter right-wing lies. As part of a broader social justice movement, we work to create a nation that respects the diversity of human expression and identity and creates opportunity for all. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., we also have offices in New York City, Los Angeles, Miami, Minneapolis and Cambridge.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Geographical Cure

I've been fixating on a geographical cure for my ailments lately. It's not so much that I expect a new locale to fix me, or make my life "unbroken". I really believe that doesn't work. I feel its time to just start living.

I spent way too much time doing the opposite. Which is to say, waiting to die. I started to realize around 5 or 6 that I was different from others and shortly thereafter I started feeling "less than". With no real solution to this dilemma, I found comfort in the friends I would keep. Typically the other Outsiders, Malcontents and "Island of Misfit Toys" inhabitants. This would be fine for those tree climbing, Evil Knievel bike jumping, and blowing up plastic Army guys days. However, more often it turned into the sneaking out at Midnight, breaking into the local elementary school and "toying with the county police", hanging out in the woods, drinking and smoking til 4-5am days.

I would not have classified myself an alcoholic at that time. Looking back on it, I was just a potential alcoholic.

Then life happened. I got older, not wiser, married and became a parent. Along came the job, the mortgage, the car payments and responsibility. By the time I reach the 11th Anniversary of my 29th birthday (please don't do the math) I was done. I was empty and broken. This time, I could safely say I was an Alcoholic. Not the high school/ post college days drinkers who have their first hangover and laugh " I'm such an alcoholic". No, this was the “I have no control over when and how much I drink" and” no matter how hard I try I can't stop drinking" admission. I'm a firm believer that the " phenomenon of craving" as described in my last statement is the manifestation of an allergy. An allergy that NEVER occurs in the average drinker. So, with that concession to myself, I sought a path of growth, spiritual growth. It so happened to coincide with my desires to live in my own skin. In the body I was born with.

I just wanted to be ME.

Up until then, I was this image, a persona I created. The actor who would please everyone around me. I was masculine, let polite, intelligent, yet tactful. I would work long hard hours, then relax and party even longer. People pleasing became an unwitting art form. I pursued it to the gates of Hell and beyond. This had to stop.

Today, I have found a solution to my problems which is based on a relationship with God, and a reliance, not defiance upon Him (Yes, Him, not Her. Pronouns are a man made convention. For me God transcends such man made notions. I use masculine pronouns in the same spirit as my faith. He is my Father. It also further illustrates, in human terms His power and strength.) This solution has allowed me to look at myself each and every day. I can take stock of who I am and the things I've done. I look for the underlying motives behind my actions (And are there!)

So this desire to pick up and move has taken hold of me in the last few weeks. The want and need to live my live in the truest sense of myself is motivating me to look for answers and solutions to pain and fears. My first reaction is ask myself "Am I trying to run, yet again from who I am?" "Am I fearful of how people will react to me, for the person I truly am?" and " Is this God's Will for me?"

I believe, given the chance, I'll run at the first opportunity. It's in my nature and has born fruit throughout my past. I never wished to bring unwarranted criticism or examination upon myself, lest I be judged by others for being different. And I certainly never sought what is God's Will for me. And what have I learn about myself in the last 3 years. 3 years spent seeking God and myself?

I know I'm a genuinely good person at heart. I make mistakes and always will. That, for me, is part of the human experience. I strive for selfless faith in my soul and in my actions. I ask for guidance to achieve that, so that I may be of maximum service to God and my fellows.

It is also a tenet of my faith that God created me, exactly the way I am. There was no mistake that happened on that day so many years ago. I've spent a lot of time building up a veneer around me to mask that creation of God. Do I have the courage to shed this facade?

The real question is "Do I have faith?"

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Comprehending roots of animosity toward transgenderism: Building a bridge based on mutual understanding

Comprehending roots of animosity toward transgenderism: Building a bridge based on mutual understanding

Dear Sisters,

I have long been curious about a segment of society that views the transgendered lifestyle with utter disdain. I have often wondered why we appear so threatening to some people and why they feel the need to impose their views on our community.

In reading the Old Testament of the Bible at the suggestion of my former therapist, I came across the following quote from Deuteronomy 22:5 the New International Version: “A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.”

In searching for interpretations of this passage, I have come across a number of eye-opening statements on the web that have shed light on the connections that some people make from transgenderism to: 1) mixing of the genders 2) buying into Satan’s plan 3) attracting males to perform sodomy, and 4) and to attracting boys to sodomites. Some of the quotes I have reviewed include:

“Even the European Union, the supreme democracy, has stated that pants are man dressing whilst gown and skirts is garment pertaining to women.”

“We would have never even considered this 20 years ago, but now we are eliminating the difference in the sexes that God made. In fact, I believe that it is all part of Satan's plan to further defile mankind by mixing the genders. But God is the God of order, not of confusion.”

“We should first see that there is a need to keep a clear distinction between the two genders (male and female). God made two sexes. There is no third category as people are suggesting nowadays (such as transsexuals). God has made no such category. God made male and female. He stopped there and so should we!”

“It is well known that men wear earrings to look attractive to other men. These are the effeminate. Cross gender clothing and styles, therefore, are prohibited because they foster sodomy. The two are connected.”

“We need to remember even though our boys are free from problems with homosexuality, if they are wearing an earring, a sodomite will single him out with a special eye…….. And certainly we do not want men attracted to our boys or our own selves (if we as men wear earrings).”

It appears that much of the disdain we perceive comes from fear of the transgendered lifestyle with roots stemming from interpretations of Old Testament Biblical citations. In short, people fear the effects of transgenderism in their lives because they believe that the Bible tells them it is against God’s plan and will be a corrupting force to society.

Is the aforementioned quote from Deuteronomy 22:5 to be taken literally, or more constructively considered within the context of the society in which it was written? Are there alternative interpretations to this verse that are not condemning to the transgendered community? Perhaps an understanding of the philosophical and cultural schism will allow the process of healing and acceptance to begin. I hope that through understanding the basis of this conflict, that the transgendered community can strive to form a bridge with this segment of society.

Felicia Conti

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Lessons Learned

My reflection lied to you, you could not see or acknowledge my pain.

You failed to catch so many tears… Now I leave you behind, never to return.
… am I fool?

There is no replacing your losses and I can’t understand the reason I continue to try? A wounded dove, poised to fly - your tears fall silent, as if never shed at all.

I have learned nothing, except how to hurt you more… you weep...

“What is the lesson to learn”?

Whether it was to praise my photos, blogs, ideas or to set me straight when I got so full of myself, so many of you have helped me when I needed it, -AND- more importantly, when I didn’t think I needed.

Here are some of the biggest Lessons I have learned:
  • I am not the Transgender Messiah (Thanks JamieGottaGun)
  • I am not re-inventing the wheel. (Thanks Gloria Fenton)
  • Transition is NOT “All about me”. (Thanks Karissa Marrie)
  • Never make anyone a priority that has only made me an option. (inspiration of thought thanks to Joe Solmonese of HRC)
  • Just because someone is Transgender, doesn’t mean they HAVE to like me. (Thanks Diane Frank)
  • We are all in this together, but on different paths with different goals and expectations. (Thanks Melissa Pink)
  • Jealousy is our community’s biggest enemy – I am no exception to this. (Observation)
  • I am part of a fabric bigger than myself – respect and represent that with dignity for all. (Thanks Cat Turner)
  • Second chances at a first impression can be changed. (Thanks Jessica Lee and Regan)
  • The measure of my gender is not in my reflection. (Thanks Leigh Smythe)
  • It is ok to error - it is unforgivable to not forgive. (Thanks Wendy Kahr)
  • Changing perceptions and expounding your mind is part of the process. (Thanks Kristin Reichman)
  • Enjoy the “early days” and experiment and just be you - revel in the photos later. (Thanks Marsha Clark)
  • There REALLY IS no “I” in team. (Thanks Debbie Dunkle)
  • All the Blogs and photos I post, with that and $1.50, I can get a bus ride to down town – remember your priorities. (Thanks Glenda)
  • Wait 24 hours before clicking the “Send” button. (Thank Melissa Sheridan)
  • Feelings have no gender, only truth to their existence, or not. (Thanks Adarabeth Veau)
  • Even though my wife doesn’t appear to have a husband, my children have a Daddy no matter what I look like or people say. (Thanks Laura-Natalie)
  • Being the first to say sorry, doesn’t mean your wrong – it makes you guilty of doing right. (Thanks Dawn Votro)
  • When I think “Why me?”, I should think “Why NOT me!” (Thanks Lacey Kelly)
  • Coordinate efforts! You don’t have to ALWAYS look your best every time you go somewhere – You can hurt people’s feelings and make them feel under dressed and or bad about themselves instead of having a good time with you. (Thanks Natalie and Sarah)
  • Express an opinion ONLY when asked – and then, be kind if you do. (Sorry Annie)
  • Support others efforts. The spotlight doesn’t always have to be about Chloe. {sigh}
  • I am free to define who I am –so too are others free to think what they will. (Thanks Monique Monet)
  • A size Large is always a Small. A size Small is only a demo for the manikin. (Observation)
  • Say what you feel, not what you mean. ((Observation of the heart)
  • Some of the greatest women I have ever known are physically men. (Observation)
  • You can never really fail; only delay your success. (Observation)
  • There is no substitute like the real thing (Thank you Marla for being such a great supporter of our community)
  • Anger is a cry for help… extending a handkerchief can build a bridge. (eh Jasmine?)
  • Words having no meaning with out the effort behind the pen. (You are still my Hero Barbara!)
  • You can’t transition on the Internet. (Unknown, but so true…)
  • Guitar Hero and Rock Band REALLY DO help pass the time. (Thanks Nicole and Glenda Paris)
  • Hobbies are important – except when you have made that hobby yourself. (Observation)
  • There really IS happiness on the other side... (Thanks Lori McNeal)
  • Angels walk and even fly among us if you are willing to see them. (Thanks Denny)
  • Family, Mom’s & Dad’s aren’t just the ones your born with. (Thanks Steve and Carol, Cheryl & John and Barbara & Ken)
  • Finally, “GET OVER YOURSELF”! Really! (Thanks to many on this one, especially too Melissa Sheridan, JamieGottaGun, Glenda, Marsha, Kelly McDonald, Teri, Lori_D and Karissa Marie.)

It astounds me how much my attitude has changed. When I began this journey, I had no idea why it started, what I wanted out of it and where it would lead me…

Yet, I can honestly say “why”, “what” & “where” this journey will lead me and is all about now.

It’s about growing up…

Transition has come to mean so much more than just physical completion; It has come to be about the final alignment that will catapult me into a new way of life and a new found level of confidence ... in short, my transition is about maturity…

…the rest is just window dressing.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Every Choice Has Its Price

Erik Erickson, a famous developmental psychologist, revealed that adolescents must first develop a sense of identity before they can learn to be intimate with others. In his view, we must first know and love ourselves before we can love another. Carol Gilligan took a stance contrary to Erickson’s view in that traditional adolescent females learn to be intimate before they develop their self-identities. Regardless of which comes first, it seems that to be complete, people need to have both identity and intimacy.

A transgendered person can potentially gain self-identity at the cost of intimacy or vice versa. We have become aware of the pain of the transwoman who has lost family, friends, and loved ones upon successful transition. We are also familiar with the despair of the person who, for whatever reason, is not able to express her feminine gender except in the deep recesses of her mind or in the safety of her closet. Both of these extreme decisions have their costs and their benefits. The transitioned woman has gained her life and herself, feels whole, but has lost many of those who gave her life meaning and possibly even lost her career. The closeted transwoman on the other hand, keeps her friends, family, and her career but may lose herself in her hiding process.

A third way is followed by those transpersons who fear losing identity or intimacy and who take the middle road toward transition. Such people know a special kind of angst that comes with compromise.

Choosing to live in a compromised position, I have grown my hair long and have gone through procedures that have feminized my looks in various ways but I have not gone nearly far enough to live as a female. While I have kept my job and my family, I live in a twilight and somewhat androgenous physical state. Every time I do something to tweak my outward femininity, my feminine side gains. But I lose something from my old self that makes me less recognizable and maybe even less acceptable to some people.

While I fine it easier to interact with those I see on a regular basis, I have a deep fear of seeing family, friends, colleagues, and even neighbors who I have not seen for awhile. To maintain my career and social life, I feel the need to obscure my long hair and cover up my arms and legs so friends, neighbors, and family cannot see they are hair free. I feel I avoid the neighbors and they avoid me because I look different than I used to and this is uncomfortable.

Regardless of the costs, I choose to live this life where having it all means accepting compromise. Every choice has its price.

Felicia Conti

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

The Tell Tale Heart

In our society today, it would be hard to find someone to argue the point that beauty will get you ahead in life. But does beauty quench your soul?

Reading Teri’s Blog and then engaging in a discussion in her comments section, reminded me of how I once mused out the window for days at a time, in deep thought about “all of this trans business”. The permanence of my thoughts brought me back to the same place each time: Creditability = Acceptance.

But this revelation was first misplaced - Like so many other TG people, I believed if I could pass, “LIFE WOULD BE WONDERFUL”! In the beginning this idea was reinforced, because I do in fact, pass for which I presented: A woman. I’m not a beauty queen, but I haven’t been mistaken for a disheveled gargoyle either.

With each person I “passed” with, my confidence soared, allowing me to ignore the stigmas of society and the laws of physics. Any thing in my mind was possible, because “I passed”.

What I miss understood, but eventually figured out, was that it was not about “passing”, because “passing” does not fulfill a soul; balancing your life with happiness and truth does.

The cloak of beauty CAN hide the truth even from ourselves; or can it? My breasts currently measure in at a 36DD and I have long hair with a voice that is very feminine - Am I any less than my natal female sisters or more than my non-passable TG sisters? When I asked myself this, THIS was the point that I awoke from the hallucination I manifested in my mind that I could ever be “Just a girl named Chloe” so long as I passed.

Sitting in a restaurant now, I feel even farther away from passing for a female as I ever did when I present myself as a male named “Ted” by my parents. The cold reality is, that even if I had a magic wand to turn me into a Genetic woman, “I KNOW” the truth. That truth is, I am, and always will be genetically a male. No surgery or label that others or I create will silence "The Tell-Tale Heart".

Passing will not satisfy the need for balance. The whole reason that TG’s “come out” is to satisfy their soul's heart beating which echo’s a truth louder and louder with ever increasing frequency, to the point it drives you to address the problem – one way or another; either by satisfying the desire, or for some, going mad and blowing their brains out. The medical field of mental professionals understands this, that is why Hormones, and sex changes are considered treatment for a diagnoses of a mental behavior problem knows as Gender Identity Dysphoia.

Beauty can allow us to facilitate moments of created truth here and there – it can even allow us to attain a piece of what we wished we could have had from natal birth. But, you cannot change the spots on a lepard - you can shave or cover them over - but you can not change what is the truth; and that reality, when it hits you - SUCKS. The best any of us can do is live in as close proximity as we can to presenting the woman we wish we would have been born to be naturally.

Being a full time passable Transvestite has been my label assigned to me by my therapist. Gee, I thought I was “just a girl” – well, I am in my heart of hearts, but my body won’t allow me to forget where I came from either –AND- who I will always be: A genetic male from Black and White, that stepped into the new Techno-Color reality of femininity, complete with anatomically correct big boobs and a spanking new vagina. Yeah 21st century!

In Teri’s Blog, she asks about “The Longing” and if it ever goes way… I think it can if we work to balance truth within in ourselves – keeping reality paramount and expectations at arms reach. Our transition should not be centered on the honesty of what our eyes or others tell us to be true; It should be tempered by the beat of a Tell Tale Heart.


Original Yahoo 360 Blog Comments

"Nicely written essay on an inescapable truth that one can run from and can hide from others...but not hide from oneself. Maybe it IS possible to make a silk purse from a sow's ear (nice metaphor since all men are pigs, eh?) but within that smooth feminine exterior still resides a male's past that no surgery or therapy can exorcise. One needs to make peace with it and accept the fact it's ALWAYS going to be there."

-Cyndy Dee Lite

"I would imagine that most girls had the same wish I had when I first got the dream of womanhood. We went to bed as young boys and almost injured ourselves in reaching out to the furthest ends of our mental capacity, our faith, our wishes and our deep deep longing, to wake up as true and complete women. Sadly it never happened no mater how much we wanted it!

However, Chloe. I can say without fear of contradiction that all the women I have met on-line are more feminine and better to know then many GGs I have met. If kindness and caring are marks of feminine success, they are indeed true women! I happen to believe that whilst we were not born women in this life, in the next or in heaven, we will be as our god intended us to be."

-Davinia Hilton

"Your and Teri’s thoughts bring up a very interesting point about life in general. Sometimes the chase is more fun than the catch. It reminds me of a movie that I recently watched “Catch Me If You Can” (Leonardo DeCapria and Tom Hanks). Humans are always seeking the next step and even more. First for us, going out, next passing etc. Like you, I can go anywhere and mingle in with no problem.

The real question is after SRS what is the next step? Or maybe the next challenge. I once had a TG friend tell me that if she had SRS the surge and challenge would all be over for her. She got too much of a surge this way. Where would she go as a woman? Very interesting thought.

Thinking about this probably the real desire for me is to feel like a woman, which I can do in my present state. I can enjoy many things as women do. I can be accepted as a woman most of the time. I am good enough that people take note even if they know, not laugh, I am confident as a woman.

I have often thought about what comes next and next and next. First of all I am happy that I can go out and feel like I am a woman just like any natal woman. This is wonderful. It is wonderful to put lotion on my soft body.

Yes for me there is more but it is so difficult to obsess over this. A partial life as a male does help me get through each day but living as a female without surgery can still give me peace of mind. I know this living this way or even having SRS will give me the peace the I want and need.

It is good to always want more and more but we cannot drive ourselves to insanity. If you had a magic wand to make you a GG what would you want next? Also would you worry about your past life? Then there are the woman that want more every day. Many of them would love to look like you. We need to settle and have peace of mind and enjoy what we have."

-Kristi Laboi

"I have known I should have been a female since the age of 4 so for me living as my true feminine self comes from deep within. I have enough naturally physical female traits to pass in most situations but if I don't occasionally, I know I'm being true to myself which is more important."

-Kelly Michelle

"Chloe your blog says you have beauty both inside and out - but we as gender identity disorder "victims" have the life we've lived and that will be a part of us forever. I have accepted that, and, it is me. Now I am a woman and will always be from this day forward knowing that my history will be a part of me while I do."

-Michel Gould

"Firstly hunni I have to thank you for the fully understanding comments you left on my blog.

Life for us on a day to day basis seems to have some degree questions relating to gender, which I assume is not something anyone who does not suffer from GID will ever have to face in their lifetime. We as TS's however I fear will always have gender based issues or questions no matter how far down the transition route we go. However, it is my hope that we can at least address most of our issues to live the last part of our lives as reasonably happy people. We may not ever be 100% real women, but at least we can be a person who doesn't have to hide the woman within anymore. Oh, and we get to be as beautiful as we can be.......just because we can, lol. Keep being beautiful Chloe."

-Alexandra Young

"Bravo Chloe, Now it may seem my blog about my transition may make sense to those who read it before but didn't really get the point thanks to your well written and thoughtful words.

I know I am a genetic male but I feel no less of a woman because of that. All the smoke and mirrors in the world will never make a person feel womanly. That feeling comes from your soul ~ and pardon me for saying this, if someone has started on the road to transition and never,ever feels like this I would seriously suggest they didn't have GRS ~ now that would be a big mistake. I'm not saying GRS makes any difference to those women out there who know in their souls they are women and DON'T intend having GRS ~ I am saying if that feeling doesn't exist then GRS is not the answer.

As to Kristi's thoughts on going out to feel like a woman ~ well I don't get that at all.Staying in,washing the dishes, doing the garden, washing the car, reading a book, watching the tele, playing golf, swimming, in fact just living an every day life living, breathing, feeling like a woman is what women do. Oh ~ and beauty is so much more than a pretty outfit, flawless makeup and a lovely hair do."

-Kelly Macdonald

"I dunno,hon. I started out on transition 14 months ago, at age 55. I have no illusions that I will be physically beautiful, sexy, or whatever. I started, because after 4 decades of turmoil, I had to. I never made the scene cross dressing and going to clubs prior to transitioning; that's why I'm such a retard with clothes, hair and makeup. And you want to know something - I don't care much about those things now. I just want to be the woman who has been screaming to 'be' for so long. I'm a 'soccer mom' and that's good enough for me.

For the first time in my life, I feel that I can be nurturing - to my daughters, my friends, my co-workers.Hopefully, anyone I meet. I hope that when people look into my eyes, they can see my desire to love.
One thing that gets me, if I may briefly vent, is getting advice from beautiful TG women who say that physical beauty is not where it's at. Yet they have spent so much time and money to help them with the 'externals.' And they continue to do so. What's up with that?"

-Barbara Ann

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Comfort Spending & Fantasy Masturbating

I am cleaning out my closet and spare rooms and re-organizing them. I have come across a lot of things that I want to donate to the Battered Women's Shelter here in Akron, Ohio. While cleaning, what struck me was not how much useless things I have accumulated over the past years, but WHY I acquired them in the first place. I thought about it all after noon and now I am writing my journal to confess that I was guilty of "Comfort Spending".

In the beginning, my "activities" of expressing "Chloe" were limited to my bedroom mirror. I would spend a lot of time looking into it and not much of anything else. (My oath to truth in these blogs forces me to confess that I still spend to much time in the mirror - vane bitch.) I would experiment with different looks, dabble with make-up - you know, the usual things we do with our wives things when they are not home.

Gawd how I loved these times... Things were so much simpler then. Before I understood myself; before I knew what this overwhelming feeling to wear womens clothes was all about, I discovered that I could "relieve" these desires while dressed, and well... I'll let your imagination take it from here what would happen next. If I am going to be honest, well..., this is honesty - sorry mom.

Each time one of these "episodes" came over me, I needed to take the fantasy farther to achieve satisfaction. To do so, I needed more things of my own. Some of the first few things I experimented with belonged to my sister, girlfriends and of course, my wife - ok, and a few of my mommies too . Soon though, I discovered the exileration that would come over me when I would shop for my own things. The "sensation" was enthralling - I could barely contain my excitement, and, some times, shamefully, I could not contain it - and BOY did I need relief.

Shopping for things became as satisfying as dressing up and masturbating. I would go to stores and just look at things and get excited - touching silk skirts, shopping for hose, bra's and of course, panties! These early days, I was SO nervous shopping - cause I did it in DRAB. I often wondered if the sales person was really believing that I am buying 12 pairs of panties and bra's for my girl friend's birthday which ranged in inconsistent sizes and shapes?!?

In fact I remember a few of them trying to help me saying, "honey you have 4 different sizes here; would you like to try them on to be sure?"... I said, "Ha, good one. These are a gift". The sales person just winked and said, "ok sweetie". I would just buy and buy and buy thinking the next piece would make me feel more like a woman. This passion started out white hot, but quickly burned and faded, leaving me feeling empty, pathetic and shameful for what I was doing. So I boxed it all up and in the closet it went.

5 years went by watching my wife being girlie and going to work and seeing the ladies everyday expressing their femininity - I couldn't take it anymore. I needed answers to WHY I felt this way inside. Playing dress up and relieving myself was not my motive this time... in fact, I tried that again and the feeling of sexual fetishes were not there - THIS was different... I didn't just want to "feel" like a woman, I wanted to look and "be" a woman. Not for sexual fantasy reasons... not to look in the mirror and touching myself with a bra on - no. At the time, I could not tell you "what" and "why", only that there was something longing in me to escape and not be filtered through a fantasy or relieved by sexual gratification.

Through the course of events, I received medical treatment for something unrelated to transgendered issues and discovered I have Klienfelters Syndrome, which in turn, lead me eventually to counciling, where I was diagnosed as a transsexual with GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria). This diagnoses didn't come over night - many moons passed trying to figure myself out and during this time, I shopped and partied, until that too fizzled out and I was left with the raw naked truth... the core of the problem: I am a woman, not a man.

When I finally accepted that I AM a girl, I felt in an instant, a death that came over me. I looked at my past behavoir; the self destructive attitude toward life. I didn't care if I paid my bills or was on time for work... I didn't even bother to hide anymore what I was planing to do and I didn't care who it hurt - least all of all, me!

In that moment, I became "Chloe". the woman, and the man that dressed up like a girl for sexual fantasy, died. What a bunch of bull shit this all was... dressing up and masturbating - this was such a waste of time - how I wish I would have gotten help then because this was not what it was all about - nor was I a night crawler either who puts on little girl dresses, goes to bars and then goes back to hotel rooms, sits around, smokes dope then cheats on my wife with a guy/couple who ONLY likes me because I'm a chick with a dick in her panties. Ewww!

Then again, who the HELL am I to judge the Night Crawler crowd... I mean, I had my little sexual fantasy world too - but it resided in my private bedroom only with myself (Not that I am better for it). But, that was me... whose to say a night crawler will come from another person like myself that says, "Ya know what, THIS is not what I am all about... THIS is not satisfying what this is REALLY all about: Expressing the woman inside me - and I don't need to pretend anymore by going to hotel rooms, doing drugs, cheating on my wife with a guy who only likes me cause I have a cock under my skirt".

I think we all need to go through these WHITE HOT burning bright, shooting star stages of self discovery. For me, shopping really filled a void between the empty feeling that comes when you dress, masturbate, and the put it all away for next time, to the point of having to DEAL with my GID Issues.

In the aftermath of it all, the problem I was left with was that I have a lot of stuff from my Closet Cross Dressing days, but not a lot of things for me to use going forward presenting as a female on a day to day basis. Number one, my breasts are size D and that is NOT the size bra's I used to buy. Funny thing too, I buy completely different bra's now than I did in my CD Days... They are not satin silky lacey stuff - Now I buy Victoria Secrets Bra's only and not the sexiest ones either. The VS Bra's fit implants the best (go figure), so that is what I get. The Angles Secret Embrace or Body by Victoria. These bras are so superior in quality - NOTHING comes close to a well made VS Bra. (Now you all know what to get me! <grin>) NOTE: these bra's do NOT work well for silicone breast forms - they make the forms look very un-natural in my opinion and the movement of a natural breast that you get from forms usually, are not there when used with these bra's... so I have heard.

I see now what my wife found so humorous. She watched me going through these stages, but was powerless to stop it. I was like a 13 year old girl in the beginning - buying anything girlie and not educated to how to fit things for myself. Oh gawd, the horrors of The Blue Eye Shadow Era... omg! No wonder she was so embarrassed. Now, she admits that I am a VERY good shopper and a women with style who can easily put together an outfit, do her own hair, makeup and is learning to submit to the ways of thinking and living as a young women should: dignified.

As for comfort spending - that is over now... now it's comfort blogging!

"Hold the Onions"


Follow the discussion of this Blog on

Chloe's Website located


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

What's a GEM?

Dear Sisters,

I miss our conversations and thought I would initiate a discussion and
hoping that you would share your ideas.

I am still in the ongoing process of self-identification. I am also at
that age and point in life where I wonder if I will transition beyond
the modest steps I have taken thus far. I have not taken further steps
because to do so, would likely pose more of a cost than a benefit to
me and my loved ones. In an ideal world, I would choose to have a
female embodiment because I am so struck by feminine beauty and want
to possess those characteristics that I am attracted to. I will admit
that I am envious of beautiful women and transwomen.

On the other hand, I don't think I would be satisfied becoming an old
and unattractive woman and I do embrace my male side and am very
grateful for its contribution to my personal development. I am not
sure where these feelings leave me in terms of the gender continuum. I
am not sure I can say my essence is fully female or male but I have
many feminine characteristics. I am experimenting with an identity
that I describe as a GEM (gender-enhanced male). To me, such an
characterization represents an appreciation for my whole self and does
not deny the male parts as I was born in a male embodiment with
feminine attributes and have actively built on that foundation. This
does not mean that I would go out and shout from the rooftops that "I
am a GEM". I would continue to enact the gender role that I am engaged
in at the moment but still feel like a GEM on the inside.

Does anyone share similar or different views on this topic? I would
love to hear your ideas.

With Lotsa Love.


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Susan Stanton, the Hate Bandwagon and good ol' fashioned B.O.D.

I was recently made aware of an article from the St Petersburg Times written by Lane DeGregory. This article, addressing the preceding year in the life of Susan Stanton, the City of Largo FL's former city manager. Some will remember Ms Stanton being very publicly outed as transgendered and subsquently dismissed.

Well, this is where the firestorm took off. Fueled from the residual anger over the ENDA debacle, and I suspect a fair amount of fustration with the HRC, many transfolk proceded to attack Susan Stanton's position, as described by this article. What I found most troubling was not the instant call to express this disapproval. It was the lack of respect shown towards her by not hearing her side, in her own words.

Ms Stanton finally did reply to this article on her personal webpages by writing this

I'm willing, after reading both items, to give the benefit of the doubt to Susan Stanton. In my opinion, the issue at hand is NOT what Susan thinks, it's her candid explanation of what she believes the general public's and most politican's views are.
That belief is that the population at large and many politicans see transgender Americans as "men in dresses".

In specific she wrote
"Contrary to the St. Petersburg Times article, I do not see members of the transgender community as “men wearing dresses.” However, I do feel there is a fundamental misunderstanding by the general public that being transgender is simply a matter of men wanting to “dress up as women.” Most people do not understand the medical nature of being a transgender and therefore cannot understand the need or justification for non-discrimination protection in employment and housing."

The St Petersburg times article stated this, to which she was addressing.

"Susan has met hundreds of other people like her. She was among the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people lobbying for a law that would make it illegal for others to discriminate against them.

But Susan has said all along that she's not like other transgender people. She feels uncomfortable even looking at some, "like I'm seeing a bunch of men in dresses."

Eventually, she decided it was too early for transgender people to be federally protected. People need more time, more education, she says. "The transgender groups boo me, now, when I speak. Isn't that ironic?

"But I don't blame the human rights groups from separating the transgender people from the protected groups. Most Americans aren't ready for us yet," Susan says. Transgender people need to be able to prove they're still viable workers -- especially in the mainstream.

"The biggest issue against the federal legislation is that politicians think the ladies' rooms will be invaded by guys in drag," Susan says, "instead of someone like me."

Is she off base with her perception? She does have the experience of a very public firing, lobbying of Congress for the passage of ENDA and has been a fairly active speaker in the last 12 months. More qualified than I. This leans me towards extending her the B.O.D. Benefit of the Doubt.

In my humble opinion, she is right. The general public is not informed as to the true nature of transgenderism. And until they are, we'll continue to suffer public ridicule, the defeats of anti-discrimination bills, and even worse, our own in fighting.

What are WE to do about it?

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Surround Yourself With Love

In our everyday life we are surrounded by a variety of people. Some of the people we deal with on a daily basis are a joy to be with, and their loving presence nurtures and encourages us. Others may have the opposite effect, draining us of our energy, making us feel tired and exhausted. Our well-being can be easily influenced by those around us, and if we can keep this in mind, we will have greater insights into the quality of our social interactions and their energetic effect on us.

Once we think more deeply about the people we interact with, it becomes easier for us to work toward filling our lives with people who help us cultivate healthy and positive relationships. Even though it might not always seem like we have much control over who we are with, we do. The power to step back from toxicity lies within us. All we have to do is take a few moments to reflect on how another person makes you feel. Assessing the people we spend the most time with allows us to see if they add something constructive to, or subtract from, our lives. Should a friend sap our strength, for example, we can simply set the intention to tell them how we feel or simply spend less time with them.

We will find that the moment we are honest with ourselves about our own feelings, the more candid we can be with others about how they make us feel. While this may involve some drastic changes to our social life it can bring about a personal transformation that will truly empower us, since the decision to live our truth will infuse our lives with greater happiness.

When we surround ourselves with positive people, we clear away the negativity that exists around us and create more room to welcome nurturing energy. Doing this not only enriches our lives but also envelopes us in a supportive and healing space that fosters greater growth, understanding, and love of ourselves as well as those we care about.

Much love and happy 2008,
Michele Angelique

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Demonstrating Respect

Do you know someone Transgender? This is a tip guide I have made for parents, relatives, friends, professionals and supporters, that will help to assit you in demonstrating respect towards a Transgender individual.

No matter where you find your own personal level of understanding or comfort level of Transgender people, if you following these simple and basic principals, you can show respect and make the Transgender person in your life feel that you DO care, and are trying to understand them, which in turn can be the foundation for building and restoring bridges and lines of communication toward healing, harmony and love.
For professionals, learning to properly show respect and making sure other employees do as well, can mean the difference between a productive work environment, and losing ones own job - possibly being sued, too!

Remember that your actions and words about or toward someone Transgender, will set a tone as the example for others on how they should act – especially children and teenagers. Showing dignity and speaking intelligently can be infectious on others around you, by spreading knowledge and promoting unity throughout the world.

Trans-Dignity 101

Demonstrate respect for Transgender people by using their correct "chosen" name and the correct pronouns which match the gender for which the TG has requested to be identified as, regardless of their outside physical or verbal identity being presented, regardless of your own personal opinions or religious moral values. 
Remember: It’s not about you – it’s about showing respect!
Example: If Bob asks to be called Betty, respect “Betty’s” wishes even if Betty still looks like, or wears Bob’s Clothes. 
Each Transgender person is unique in their gender variance and or presentation: If in doubt, ask: “How would you prefer me to address you now?

Old habits are hard to break – Transgender people know and understand this; making a mistake and calling someone by the wrong name or pronoun is ok, so long as you are quick and sincere in your attempt to correct the error.
Effort is what is appreciated!
Show by your demeanor that you ARE sincere. Let the Transgender person know that you acknowledge respect their request and do know the correct way they would prefer to be identified in their chosen gender by correcting yourself with the new name and pronoun.
These habits are hard to break but will only change if YOU make the effort to try. 
It is understandable that you may be confused or even uncomfortable with these changes.
Understand, this is your issue. Not theirs.
Changing your atitude, or the way you treat someone [because they are Transgender] based on your confusion, discomfort, or differing morals, values or religious beliefs, is bigotry - and it is wrong. 

Many people change their first, middle and even last names everyday, and we respect these request without question. Why should a Transgender persons request to change their name (or even their gender) be any different?
A Transgender person that corrects you for not saying the correct name or gender pronoun, is not out of line by correcting you - but it is understandable how this may make you feel embarrassed or feel threatened - don't be. Its a simple mistake.

Understand YOU are doing ALL of the following to a Transgendered person when you rebuke or deliberately ignore their request to be identified and acknowledged by their new name and pronouns:
Slandering: You are legally and mentally causing damages both personal, finical and professional when you cause confusion in their lives by calling someone by the wrong name or gender.
Endangering: Like any minority, you can be unknowingly endangering both the Transgendered person, their kids, family, co-workers, and friends by attracting hate crimes of attack or retaliation from bigoted and religious individuals who seek to fire, ostracize from church, schools and neighborhoods, harm and even KILL Transgendered people and those who associate with them. 
Abusive: Mental and physical pain is suffered by Transgender person from the traumatizing effects of having to deal with crushing, ridged and narrow minded statements like being constantly referred to as something they are not. It is painful and humiliating to Transgender people to be called by their former name or gender or to be referred to in the wrong pronoun. To do so purposely is abusive and arguably negligible to the mental and physical well being of a Transgender individual. 
Perpetuating hate and discord: Ask yourself the following questions:
  • Is it your goal to hurt and humiliate someone you love and; care for or are friends with; for that matter to anyone for any reasons?
  • Is it your goal to create animosity, stir rumors and road block any attempt at harmony, education and peace between you, the family or work environment which involves a Transgendered person?
  • Is it YOUR way or NO way? Are you being a bully for no reasons at all, except out of your ignorance?

What are YOU afraid of?
  • Being hit on, molested, attacked, or even bitten on the neck?
  • Catching “Transgender” cooties?
  • Offending God by "participating" in what you believe is someone else's delusions?

Consider this:

Many great philosophers have offered wisdom for the ages, but we need look no further than the great Yoda from the movie Star Wars when he said:
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

How can you help?

These are a few of the more important aspects that if adhered to, will serve to promote healing, harmony and love.

Act immediately when you hear negative comments among friends, family, Co-workers neighbors and children. Do not ignore it and do not use negative comments yourself. 

Incorporate lessons of showing respect into other relationships such as extended family when discussing Transgender issues or people.

Practice asking respectful questions before a Transgender comes to visit . Preview respectful behavior among other guests, family, co-workers before the visitor comes. 

Privately help others to understand and avoid negative or patronizing language.

Handle conflicts by listening, thinking, staying calm, and reaching thoughtful solutions that are confirming to the Transgender person and does not compromise their gender identity.

Model fairness in all your dealings with Transgender people where their gender identify may be of concern. 

Help Transgender individuals to build their self respect. Some may feel inadequate and/or unattractive because they cannot proceed or travel as quickly in their journey of transition because of financial or medical restrictions. 

Compartmentalize your feelings: Remember not to use someone’s Transgender issues as the trump card for all that is wrong in your's or other's lives. Being Transgender is not the root of all evil. You can show respect and promote harmony by increasing lines of communication by focusing on “the issue” at hand and not dismissing the issue simply because you wish to play the Transgender card.

Participate and support.
The most important aspect of demonstrating dignity is to be supportive to a Transgender person in their journey. Transgender individuals take steps at different paces that will fluctuate depending on the support levels given around them, and other various things like financial means and geographical location, to name a few.  
Road blocking, gate-keeping, ignoring or degrading an individual that is Transgender says more about you, than them. Again, ITS NOT ABOUT YOU. You may not agree with their choice, but neither they nor you stopped being human. 
It is also important to remember that being Transgender is NOT a choice – its "self preservation" of one who is born in the wrong body.

Get additional help by attending counseling and seeking answers from professions that deal specifically with Transgender related issues.

Mission of Dignity
Dignity is not something that need be earned or with held, rather it is an inherit right to all of Gods creatures and a demand put upon us by the Lord to show one another.

Thank you for taking the time to read and understand a bit more about we the Transgendered.
I invite you to please leave a comment here in this Blog to promote discussion and offer additional insights on how we can continue a mission of dignity.

Related article on "WikiHow": How to Respect a Transgendered Person

Updates: 01/13/2008, 10/22/2011