Expeditious Freefall

In one’s Trans-sagacity of musing, innocuous facts of the mind can link together becoming valuable conclusions for which one was not even originally seeking… they are however, indeed most treasured miracles of the divine…

“EF” is a paramount moment in one’s Transition; self coined as being a state of “Expeditious Freefall”; a euphoric decompression on the equinox of “Mind”, “Body” and “Spirit” alignment.

Beginning Transition; accepting what we are, seeking help, coming out to Doctors, families, friends and eventually your work are all Phase 1 stages of Transition (Physical or Mental Identity Declarations). For some, this is as far as it goes, for others, continuing with name changes and hormone treatments are phase 2 (Life changing, Body altering events). Beyond these points, come “Surgery”; irreversible and undeniable life changing events (Physical & Mental Alignment).

EF sets in when you have reached the point of “Scheduling” your surgery and waiting for it to transpire. During this period, time SLOWS down in your mind, while the rest of the world revolves at its normal revolution.

There is NOTHING stopping you now: You’ve paid for the surgery; you’ve notified family; you’ve scheduled off with work - you’ve covered every base.

Nothing to do but enjoy the home run walk around the bases… Right?

Funny thing about “Free fall”… have you ever tried it? The thing is, as you fall, momentum builds! Remember Willy Wonka’s psychedelic boat trip? Yeah, kind a like that. Notice as the boat-ride comes to an end at the end of the tunnel they are actually at a dead stop and never REALLY were going as fast as they thought they were – Did you notice all the images on the tunnel were that of each passengers worse fears?

As the date for your procedure gets closer and closer, things may begin to whirlwind around you – faster and FASTER! Each and every task put-upon you may feel almost insurmountable and inundating… additionally, you feel as though the world is speeding up to fool you into thinking YOU have slowed down and that your destiny with your date will never come.

The vacuum of ones mind can be a very lonely place when left idle. You are experiencing EF; A journey of freefall with in the expansions of the mind… a journey within a journey. Signs of this condition can be “Pre-OP” depression; ignoring responsibilities with no regard to consequences; letting go of all that grounds you; abuse of time and others time; day dreaming and short term memory loss.

It is important to continue therapy or sessions with support groups or friends and family during this period of being caught between the Moon and New York City. Exercise your mind with a Puzzle or a distraction of a project. The time WILL pass quickly and as you very well know already, your date WILL arrive, and everything WILL be ok.

-Chloe

Hidden Mystery Breaking Free

Of all things that exist, our creator built into his designs a breaking limit; whether it be the speed of light or the power of love. Anything “created” can be broken “He take’ith, he give’ith”. Matters of the heart & mind are no exceptions.

Pursuing a transitional life in essence is arguably the most selfish act one can partake. It is a journey of honesty with a price tag of everything you are and will be. Throwing caution to the winds of grievance and sorrow, you must allow the light of truth to be your only companion; hold fast to your faith of WHO YOU ARE as it will be challenged with each step. Once you have been completely broken down of all that you were, THEN you will begin to be reborn again.

THIS is transition!

Everything else is just of physical desires.

Do not mislead your identity into hinging on “physical congruency”. True Transition is of the mind and spirit. Surgeries, hormones and name changes are bonuses. One should NOT allow these physicality’s to dictate their identity, for these things are earthly and should only act as walking canes along the road of self discovery.

Can you withstand the withdraw of all those that you once loved and respected?

Can you forgive yourself for who you are and those who don’t understand you anymore?

Can you redefine your life to fit within the boundaries of others comfort levels again?

Can you be broken down and withstand to be reborn again to embrace a new reality no matter what it may be?

Will you live an Excuse or an Example?

-Chloe Prince

TransStation Demarcation

“Transition” can be a succession of concessions in a constant state of flux.

Starting a transitional journey, there are certain truths we define for our selves; but the realities that arise later along the way AND the discoveries we make within, can act as a catalyst to personal growth. AKA: “ReEvaluation time”, which in turn can reshape ones "OTHER" own opinions within themselves.

To the outsider or someone involved with a TransGendered person, these new realities can appear as lies and deception.

For example: When I first began this journey, I told myself – and my wife, that I just wanted to wear panties and a bra (Because I needed too), BUT, I never would wear a skirt nor needed makeup. As time went on, my needs changed. BUT at the time, this WAS my only needs.

On the surface, it looks like I lied to myself and to my wife, but the reality here is “I didn’t know” that I would grow beyond that need. Now my wife thinks I am a liar and I am reneging on our deal that it would remain there.

As you go down the road of transition, there are few mile markers and even less instruction booklets. There are points of demarcation however.

This is what I really wrote this Blog for to discuss “TransStation Demarcation” points. These are the points we move forward, make a discovery with in our self and CANNOT go back – We are forever changed in that matter or view.

Whether you cross one of these demarcation points in your mind or a personal growth within your life or transition, it’s important to also note that demarcation point and update those around you.

For those that are NOT TransGendered, understand, that if you are dealing with someone that is TransGendered and transitioning, prepare yourself for a person that is revolutionizing and redefining right before your eyes, each day. One day they may like vanilla, the next chocolate.

Personally for myself, it is my goal to be a complete woman, to be taken care of and loved in that capacity, and for me to reciprocate that in return. It took me 3 years to be able to say that. Feels good too.

Transition is not “My dream” come true. Does anyone ever REALLY want to transition? Let me ask you another way – if you had to either Jump off a bridge or shoot yourself with a bullet, which would you choose? Either way, it’s the same result. My point is, Transition is NOT a REAL choice – it’s a fact of life and a natural process for a REAL transsexual. We have NO choice – we would rather face a firing squad than to live one more second in the wrong gender role. Period.

So is it a choice?…. NO. It SUCKS… no one really wants to give up everything they have; spend tens of thousands of dollars on hormones, surgeries, and facial hair removal… no one wants to upset their families, be isolated and alone on holidays and birthdays… no one wants to be the butt of everyone’s jokes or to be teased or looked at with confused expressions.

COME ON HERE PEOPLE… this is NOT A CHOICE!

Transition is a rebirth… when was the last time you seen a baby born? Did it come out all happy and pretty? NOoooooo, its bloody, crying, and it can not open its eyes and see anything for a period of time until they adjust to their new surroundings.

The same is true for a Transsexual in transition!

Seriously, how can you put expectations on someone that they themselves can not even know “what” or “how” they will feel with each and every hormone pill they swallow?

Another thing I told my wife at the beginning 3 years ago was an answer to a question “Are you Gay?”, I said “no, I don’t like men”.

Ok, at the time I said that, I was uneducated and also not very far along the journey. The fact is… I DO like guys. Straight ones that want a straight normal girl; Not the ones that are only interested in my “something extra”. So, does this make me Gay? No.

Again, at the time I answered my wife on that, I had not reached the demarcation point of my sexual discovery as a female. So “Ted” answered her in saying, “No, I don’t like men”.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back now as "Chloe"; I'd say that I always wanted to be the “Tiny Dancer”; Someone that they'd write songs about some day… someone to be taken care of; to sweep me off my feet… to be rescued…. cherished and protected…. But not only this, I want someone to make all my dreams come true. I want to feel completed and beautiful being twirled around on my 50^th aniversery by my nobal handsom husband on a ball room floor with the lights and the music playing just for us….

Status: “TransStation Demarcation of Chloe’s Sexuality – “complete”. I’m a heterosexual woman…

Now what?

At best I can answer for myself is that I am taking this time to be honorable to my wife. I am completing my Transition, and I will at that time “reEvaluate” my sexuality and move forward from there. That would entail a divorce and so forth – which at this time in my life (and hers) adds so much complication that I just can’t deal with at this moment.

SRS is a major step and preparing for it and all the other things I need to do. I simply am not ready yet to deal with this issue until AFTER I have my surgery to complete my body. I need to work with my wife and come to a solution that is both feasible and reasonable for my children and for her and ME. I do not want to hurt my children nor her. They deserve better than that…. I didn’t stop loving my wife – we just grew apart.

It's time we all moved on....

-Chloe

My Sexual Orientation: I Am What I Am

If there is one thing consistent that I have learned about myself, it’s that my fancies’s can play as fickle as a fiddle from a pickle barrel of violins!

I do a lot of reading here on 360, many about either sprinting to the O.R. for surgeries, others about loss of family, but few I find that discuss ones Transition of their sexual orientation.

At this stage of my transition from a male to a female, I'm facing the difficult realities of my choices and the concessions they inherit; and if that weren't enough, my decision making abilities have started hitch hiking down the side of the road with a sign that says “Thailand or Bust”!

Many people come to read my page here (my mother included (Hi Mom! And yes, the wife knows all about this Blog <wink>)), co workers and of course all my friends from inside and out of the TransGendered community. So, this subject is not easy for me to discuss in open forum – I do so with the up most care and respect – I hope you as the reader, will acknowledge that this is a VERY difficult thing for me right now, and I turn to YOU all for some solid advice.

I have discussed this subject at length with my Therapist, however, in the end, I had came to the conclusion that “Chloe” was a heterosexual woman with lesbian tendencies and “Ted” was a complete heterosexual Man - Period.

As I move closer and closer to completing my surgery, I am going over the numbers of my sexual orientation in my mind and have decided to go back to therapy for a few sessions to work this out. It seems my Sexual Orientation is ALSO transitioning with me.

Either way, I WILL have the surgery - NO MATTER WHAT! However, I need help in working out my feelings for my attraction to the opposite sex and where and what it will all correlate with once I am 100% a female. To sum it up: You know the commercial jingle “Some times you feel like a nut, some times you don’t?!”

Could this be a case of libido in flux?

A year ago, I had to find out – discussing the issue with my wife, I was given the green light to go on a date with a male – to be escorted for the night to the theater. My wife aslo wanted to know how I felt too. We both needed to know "Does Chloe like men, and why?"

(Below is a photo of me on the date).

The gentlemen that took me was a real nice guy – ideal for my first time out. I was very thankful to his girlfriend to allow him to come and “Stand up for me” so to speak. It was something I badly needed to do. At the time, I needed to find out how I would feel being treated COMPLETELY like a lady… and “he” did that for me. He held doors, took my coat, brought me a corsage and even coordinated his colors with my dress.

After the “mock” date, he walked me to my car. Alone, there in the midnight November air with a light sprinkle of snow falling, we stood under a lamp post at my car – no more words were said; our eyes meant for a moment and then, he leaned into me, grasp me firmly and I fell powerless into his arms (as if under a spell)! He kissed me ever so softly on the lips; out of complete instinct. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and melted into him to what turned out to be the sexiest moment of my female life!

In that moment, for the first time – “Chloe”, felt completely a woman.

We remained friends. I will admit, for a while I was confuse by the situation , but later realized that "he" only fullfilled a feminine desire to be treated like a lady by a man - I had no REAL feelings for him.

We never dated again and in fact, I have not seen him in almost a year now. He will always remain so special to me – but he belongs to another and so do I. He is a very honorable person and I am happy that I had my 1st experince with someone that I could trust to make it a positive one for me.

The next morning I awoke to my wife standing over me, “So how was it?” she asked. I told her "....{sigh}...amazing…."

“Did he kiss you?” she grined...

Carefully choosing my words now, I told her everything.

“How did that make you feel?” she asked now crossing her arms.

Looking back over the moment, I said “When he kissed me, I've never felt so safe, so secure, more beautiful and more desired than I did when he held and kissed me - He completed me as a woman!”

Then, with tears in her eyes welling up, my wife said to me, “....you see…. THAT'S what you’ve taken away from me!!"

It’s amazing how so few words can pluck you right out of the best moment in your life and bring you crashing back to Earth, landing in the pit of Hell's belly.

She was right ya know....

I HAD taken that all away from her. It dawned on me:

"She is a heterosexual woman – it’s not about being Trans, or not loving me enough… it’s just “Chloe” wasn’t part of the deal here. I've turned her into appearing as a lesbian to the entire world -AND- made a mockery of her sexual orientation and her marriage!."

The information came crashing in on me…

It was TOO much…

That was a year ago that all happen. We are still together – but it is completely for the children’s sake it seems these days. With out support from our families and worse yet – negative bias members who wanted to “oust me from my own home and from my children”, we have no support system to hold us together – not even for the children’s sake it seems.

So this is my “Sophia’s Choice”. Now that I know what I'm doing - How do I deal with it - AND, can I? CAN SHE?

The dilemma: I can not work the details out in my mind because there is a cloud that looms over me – That cloud is SRS.

I can not make a clear decision on my sexual preference until I transition – that being, to whom I want to live life with and have enjoyable and fulfilling sex and with that choice, a fulfilling life.

I don’t want to push my wife into doing this when I know it is not what she wants – this would hurt me knowing that I was making her do something she didn’t want to do. It already is hard enough knowing that the mere fact of transition was not what she wanted and that is hurting her - and I am powerless to stop that, except to be strong enough to let her go.. and all others that I am hurting by doing so.

Living with a man or a woman has its advantages – but that all aside, if I’m ONLY listening to my heart, I’m in trouble – because it’s not talking to me – it’s in Thailand waiting for me to come get it with my surgery.

I hate doing this to my wife – I just don’t want to put her through this – I don’t want to be selfish like this – but she won’t divorce me – so am I being selfish by making that decision myself for her?

What if I transition, and find that while I find men attractive and even liked kissing them, that it turns out THAT'S ALL I liked and the act of actually having sex with a man would be not what I want!?

THEN WHAT?

I still want a vagina either way – that’s for sure. I NEVER want to have sex as a male in ANY capacity ever again – it disgusts me! Taking a shower, I try to cover up – I don’t even like LOOKING down there any more… its just a death every time I have to be reminded of the mistake in my panties.

Working my gender issues out was easy: I am a woman.

But, am I Hetero or a Lesbian Woman?

I guess "I am what I am" and the decision will eventually make it's self.

-Chloe Prince