Showing posts from 2007

Transition Blues: Expeditious Free-falling

Are you suffering from the Transition Blues?
I've got an APP for that!  um...well at least a "term" for it, anyway.
Expeditious Free-falling (EF) is a phenomenon thats over takes many Transsexual and Transgender individuals amid their transitions or exploratory gender journey. Self coined by me, it's defined as a euphoric decompression of gender incongruence on the equinox of “physical” and “mental” surgical sex alignment or gender identity congruence.
For example, Transsexuals can begin experiencing a feeling of increasing unhealthy levels of severe anticipation that set in when one has scheduled a gender confirming procedure [or process] and is waiting for it to transpire.
During this period, time slows down in ones mind, while the rest of the world seems to revolve at its normal revolution. 
"There is nothing stopping me now" you think... I’ve paid for the surgery; I’ve notified family; I’ve scheduled off with work - I’ve covered every base.
Nothing to do but…

My Sexual Orientation: I Am What I Am

If there is one thing consistent that I have learned about myself, it’s that my fancies’s can play as fickle as a fiddle from a pickle barrel of violins!I do a lot of reading here on 360, many about either sprinting to the O.R. for surgeries, others about loss of family, but few I find that discuss ones Transition of their sexual orientation.At this stage of my transition from a male to a female, I'm facing the difficult realities of my choices and the concessions they inherit; and if that weren't enough, my decision making abilities have started hitch hiking down the side of the road with a sign that says “Thailand or Bust”! Many people come to read my page here (my mother included (Hi Mom! And yes, the wife knows all about this Blog <wink>)), co workers and of course all my friends from inside and out of the TransGendered community. So, this subject is not easy for me to discuss in open forum – I do so with the up most care and respect – I hope you as the reader, will …

Stealth III

Stealth III

I've discussed with several Post-Op transsexuals all the elements involved in becoming stealth after the physical & legal changes are complete. Finally their psyche, body and soul are synchronized and there is nothing to halt them from living as they felt they should have been born. Most I have talked to want to be stealth in terms of never having to disclose their past. They want to engage in a relationship in which everything goes pretty much as if they were born in a female body. Therefore, they seek for a relationship with a man. Naturally a few prefer to relate to a woman & in my view that offers better possibilities. A relationship with a man differs. Pregnancy is one factor as most men would like to have a child with the woman they love. Then she must disclose the reasons why she cannot bear a child or make a believable story, not a good scenario.

From Wikipedia: Deception is the act of convincing another to believe information that is not true.

Deception i…

Happy Holidays

Okay, some silliness for the holidays. ElfYouself!!

Stealth II

Stealth?... II

Last week I began to explain my views about the elements involved with perspectives about the transgender mindset and going stealth, but due to space I wasn't able to cover a lot of things. Among the principal reasons to aspire to achieve such invisible state is a parting of ways with things in Transgendered World. Many XG people find a tremendous impact when discovering they are not alone as there are thousands of people around the globe that face the syndromes of being out of the gender identification mainstream box.

History started to change for all of us in the early 90s as the internet was a true breakthrough that provided a resource for the transgender population as well as the general viewing public, courageous XG people had a portal in expression, achievements, goals, history, sufferings and pictures. Our once tiny world started growing while providing an illusionary feel of belonging & state of normalcy.

There was however negative connotations that were br…

Your friendship.

After digging through tons of CDs, floppies, Dat tapes, etc, I finally found one of the many poems I've written a few years ago to my feminine side. Something I did for about 10 years and very far from the place I am today.

I had no idea I would be getting to the place I live in today! Yet, after reading this one, no wonder.

This is more than a poem, a letter I wrote to myself in the same fashion I used on my poetry. It looks like I am writing to someone else. Actually, I was. I was addressing my feelings to that unsupported, no comprehended and vital part of myself. In the same fashion we refer to her, when we are her and to him, when we are him, I wrote from one to the other one.

To me such process is exactly the same when I write a letter to someone I can't really stell what I have to say. I write the letter, never send it and burn it as a ceremonial letting go of the person or the issue.

Again, when I wrote all those, I had no idea that one day I would really mean what I felt.…

Fault Lines

Recently I've crystallized some thoughts that I had been knocking about for a while concerning the sometimes less than cordial relationships between the transsexual, transgendered and ambigendered (OK, use crossdresser or another term if you prefer) segments of our community. It seems we ought to be able to get along pretty well given that we share the common bond of a desire to express a gender identity contrary to our biological sex—and society's general rejection of the same. Yet there is often tension between these various groups. Why?
I think the real dividing line in our community is the desire to transition. The transsexual and the transgendered (in the original sense of the word, those who desire to live as the opposite gender) are on one side and the "part-timers" (CDs, TVs, fetishists, etc.—we're not as clearly defined and labeled) on the other. And while we are often allies, we exist in a tenuous relationship with one another. My view of the tensi…

Stealth I

I've thought so much about the "stealth state" that most post-op sisters adopt once achieving their goal. These thoughts of mine have been ongoing since 2002 when I started corresponding with a local young TS woman. I contacted her due to my interest to meet other gender crossing (XG) people near me. She accepted my interest right away and with time she started expressing her confidence while developing trust in me. We finally met at the end of 2003 as she was moving away to achieve "Stealth" status.

Early 20's pretty young gal, that was very confused and angry about living as a male, when she always felt to be a woman. As we were starting our friendship, she had already achieved some cornerstones, such as coming out to family members and selected friends and had began hormone replacement therapy (HRT). At work, she was the boy as she was born, though as time progressed became quite androgynous and quite passable with her own long hair, arched brows, wonder…

And Now What?

“You cannot step in the same river twice” is an expression of the experience of having “been there, done that”.

So you can dress to the nines, go to the gay and transgendered clubs and be constantly complimented, ogled, and hit on by guys and masculine cross-dressers. So most of your transgendered friends cannot pass well enough to go to mainstream public places, and even those that could, choose to go to the same blasé, gay, transgender-friendly, safe clubs. And some of those who don’t pass go to straight places anyways, and don’t mind being mistaken for drag queens and being instant celebrities whom everyone wants to have their pictures taken with. So you pass on this option. And now what?

So you can dress as an attractive female, go alone to the mall and the straight clubs, fly under the radar, and still be complimented, ogled, and hit on by guys (albeit fewer times). But you don’t dare to interact much because of the fear of discovery of your true identity and the peril that might f…

Ah, yes.. What's a little "T" amongst friends?

For those who read John Aravosis' Swiss Cheese piece in Salon you can spare yourselves the repeat. For those less "fortunate", I've linked it above.

Mr Aravosis proffers an opinion that the LGB(T) community as a whole wants ENDA with or without the gender identity provisions.

However, the piece is titled " How did the T get in LGBT?" His entire assertion is that the T does not belong in with LGB. Mr Aravosis chooses to use the Wikipedia version of the LGBT history. We all know the hours of painstaking fact checking and vetting that done there..... Hell, Dan Rather did more vetting on his "Bush's National Guard " piece.... Let's actually review some facts.

1.) The T came first
The "T" in the LGBT Movement... It's a hot August night in San Francisco in 1966 -- three years before the famed Stonewall. Compton's Cafeteria, in the seedy Tenderloin district, is hopping with its usual assortment of transgender people, young street hu…

Example of Character

Some of us may be aware that Donna Rose, a well known member of the trans community and a Board member at HRC has resigned. Having read HRC's stance on ENDA and its decision to oppose immediate markup of the bill, and Joe Solomonese's speech at SCC in September, I found her convictions refreshing.

While HRC is now scrambling to recover, PassENDAnow, and this latest statement from Joe Solomonese both are pushing for full support of an inclusive ENDA, not the Barney Frank proposed and Nancy Pelosi supported "Cert's" bill, " Two, two, two bill's in one". Is this too late to regain support from the trans community? Were they always onboard and just looking for a way to delay the markup in order to truly garner the votes needed?

I say it doesn't matter.

Anything short of an immediate rebuke to Rep. Frank's proposal and a call to action from the entire GLBT community in support of that position is unacceptable. It says they would be willing to "…

Where is the L-O-V-E ?

As I geared up for my 4th SCC, I had the opportunity to reflect on my personal journey of the last 4 years.

By 2003, I had come to terms with the fact I was transgendered. Even though I could not quantify the cause, I accepted it as part of my nature. It had been since the tender age of 6. Years of guilt and shame had taken its toll and I was ready for a change. Many things had transpired in the preceding year. My last relationship(HST i.e. hostage taking situation....) had ended in miserable failure. I was finally on my own, and, as I found to be later, on my way. New job, new income status, and new freedom allowed me to express this identity in a safer environment.

As these planets all came into alignment I found less than a harmonic convergance. The more exposed I was to the multivalent construal known as transgenderism, the less shielded I was to its stark divisions. I knew I was transgendered, however which subset did I belong to?

Communication and language are tools mankind has dev…

The Divine Feminine

Divine Feminine Force~Shakti

The divine feminine goes by many names in many spiritual traditions, but at the heart of nearly all of these, Shakti can be found. Hinduism specifically recognized the dynamic and potent feminine power that exists in all beings and deified it in the form of a goddess. Shakti, however, is not merely a single deity, playing a single role in the lives of humankind. Rather, she represents the fundamental creative force that is the root of all creation in the universe.

In art, Shakti has taken on the outward appearance of many goddesses, but her anthropomorphized form is far less significant than the essential form she takes within each of us. Shakti's presence in our lives can be experienced in a deep and personal way, but we must first reach out to her so that we can draw upon the vital animating energy that is her gift to us.There is no one motive that drives all beings to expend effort in the act of creation, which is precisely why Shakti can be the embod…

Claiming Responsibility

Thank you Juli Roxx for sharing your perspective on my recent article "Is She Friend or Foe?". I love it when different views are brought because it only stimulates my mind further. You've made a few points here which I'd like to comment on...

Juli: "The article suggests that all that counts is what you think about yourself and to ignore obvious facts that are genuine problems and most difficult to deal with."

I am not suggesting that "all that counts is what you think about yourself", I am saying "the most important opinion is the one you hold of yourself"... big difference. Other people's thoughts and opinions might count also, depending who they are to you and how you feel about them. Yet if you consider yourself in a horrible light, most likely everyone else will consider you in a horrible light as well. Whereas if you claim the responsibility for considering yourself in a positive light, still many will consider you badly, but at …

Is She Friend or Foe?

The following was inspired by conversations with a dear friend who has been crossdressing since his early teens, and presently continues to struggle with guilt, shame, repression, denial... I hope to give this person and any of you who feel similarly, a more accepting way to relate to your inner woman. You are so beautiful, if only you could see what I see in you....


Dear one, for the past couple of years I have been delving into the psychology of what you are feeling. I have been connecting with special souls who endure the same inner bondage that you know all too well. I have a deep level of empathy for your plight, and from my vantage point, my wish is to convey to you a sense of peace surrounding who you are inside. If you will permit, I will show you a different perspective on this aspect which you have fought so hard against all of your life.

You tell me you wish these feelings were not part of you, and essentially if you could make your inner woman and her desires cease to e…

Feeling Good is Your Birthright

Feeling good is your birthright, and no one can take that from you, in the name of love or otherwise. If you are not happy, you are not empowered to be the best you can be, not living a fulfilled existence, nor able to serve at your highest capacity. An unhappy person is less equipped to overflow with love, less apt to bring joy to others, less likely to excel in other areas of life. This is why your #1 priority in life is to feel good, to love yourself first, so you can fill your heart to the point where your love overflows to the benefit of everyone around you.
Only you can choose your thoughts, your responses, actions and ultimately, your feelings about any given circumstance. No one else can think for you, feel for you, sense for you. While you cannot control all that is brought into your life, you solely control how you choose to feel and react. Amidst a plethora of conflicting options and objectives, the main guiding force should be how you feel inside… follow your bliss, reach …

Why Do I Love Transwomen?

Because I am a natural born woman, I have been asked on more occasions than I can count, "why" do I care about transgender issues and "why" do I have so many friends in the online trans community, since I myself am not trans? I was born female, so "why" am I here online representing and supporting transgender women? My reasons are a combination of personal, social and spiritual. I'd like to write a little more about each of these areas, then expand in future blogs based on your interests.

Personal Reasons…

On a personal level, I am bisexual femme top so none other suits me as well as a bi-gendered male-to-female (M2F) transwoman. No other type of potential love partner is more attractive to me, particularly those who are comfortable with both sides of their gender.

For a male crossdressing en femme, it is often erotic, sensual and sexual, yet it goes even deeper because dressing allows his inner feminine to emerge from the heart of a man, invoking a feel…

Embracing Your Gender Opposite

Woman or man, each human being is whole. We are all a compendium of many different forms of energy that interact to create a balanced person. To be human, therefore, is to be both gender specific (man or woman) and gender complemented (masculine and feminine). It may sound strange to say that in every person there exists both female and male aspects, but these aspects are tightly interwoven within each of us and learning to access these aspects can help you understand parts of yourself that were previously hidden by a lack of knowledge. Denying this unique polarity can lead to feelings of frustration and confusion, while embracing your gender opposite can bring about a sense of harmony and peace within your soul, a completeness.

It may seem natural to say that in women, the female aspect is dominant, and in men, the male aspect is dominant, but this isn't always the case, nor is it healthy to attempt to conform to such standards when they don't correspond to who you are. The in…


Love is not always an easy thing to deal with. When we are in love with someone, we can feel as if the world is at our command. Then there are times when being in love can crush us with the weight of the world we once thought we could conquer.
Sometimes no matter how hard we try and sing each others song the melody is not the same and so eventually we stop singing. But love always seems to remain. I think it does because when we get close enough to someone, we cant help but to feel some sense of the wonder and beauty that belongs to the other. That is a glorious lesson and one that shows how uniquely wonderous each person is and how connected we all trully are.
The memory of how we gave what we had to another can only foster the deepest sentiment in us for what the other offered even after we stopped taking what gifts there were.
The duration of a love, is a mark in the history of another, a place in time where we can trully look back and know how much we grew as a result of the experien…


All of us know something about what it means to face what we are. There will always be a time when we can remember the bravery it took to express what is true about our experience especially at those times when we are completely alone doing it.
Sometimes we do so with an enormous amount of energy. But the "fight" to face all that we fear is won far easier with a gentile persuasion that comes from the fullest acceptance of not only our strengths but also an honest acknowledgement of our greatest weaknesses as well. Love your weakness the same that you would love what is glorious about you and what was once ugly and frail also becomes the fuel of what lifts you to greater awareness. On the other side of the token, deny what is glorious and you will stop dead in your tracks.

Embrace all that is you. Your darkest and brightest self. Fight or dismiss any aspect of what you are and you will fall and drift and float from one pain, to another, one numbing call to the next. Do not winc…