Friday, December 28, 2007

Transition Blues: Expeditious Free-falling

Are you suffering from the Transition Blues?

I've got an APP for that! 
um...well at least a "term" for it, anyway.

Expeditious Free-falling (EF) is a phenomenon thats over takes many Transsexual and Transgender individuals amid their transitions or exploratory gender journey. Self coined by me, it's defined as a euphoric decompression of gender incongruence on the equinox of “physical” and “mental” surgical sex alignment or gender identity congruence.

For example, Transsexuals can begin experiencing a feeling of increasing unhealthy levels of severe anticipation that set in when one has scheduled a gender confirming procedure [or process] and is waiting for it to transpire.

During this period, time slows down in ones mind, while the rest of the world seems to revolve at its normal revolution. 

"There is nothing stopping me now" you think... I’ve paid for the surgery; I’ve notified family; I’ve scheduled off with work - I’ve covered every base.

Nothing to do but enjoy the home run walk around the bases… Right? Funny thing about “Free-falling”… have you ever tried it? The thing is, as you fall, momentum builds! 

Remember Willy Wonka’s psychedelic boat trip

Yeah, EF is kind a like that. Notice as the boat-ride comes to the end of the tunnel, they are actually at a dead stop, and in reality, were never really going as fast as they thought they were.
Did you notice all the images on the tunnel were that of each passengers worse fears? Geee, does that sound familiar OR WHAT
As the date for one's "procedure" gets closer and closer, things may begin to whirlwind around you – faster and FASTER! "Hold on!! and remember, its just the hormones!"  
Each and every task put-upon you may feel almost insurmountable and inundating - fooling you into thinking that your date with destiny will never come.  
The vacuum of ones mind can be a very lonely place when left idle. 
You are experiencing EF; a journey of intense and complex thoughts free-falling outside the boundaries and normal expansions of ones own mind… a journey within a journey. 

Signs of this condition can be “Pre-op” depression; ignoring responsibilities with no regard to consequences; letting go of all that grounds you; abuse of time and others time; day dreaming, short term memory loss, and uncontrollable grieving or crying and not understanding why.

It is important to continue therapy or sessions with support groups or friends and family during this period of being caught between the Moon and New York City

Exercise your mind with a Puzzle or a distraction of a project. The time WILL pass quickly and as you very well know already, your date WILL arrive, and everything WILL be ok.

I know... it happened to me too.

  oh, and before I forget, "no," thats not me in the picture. ha!

Revised 10/22/2011

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

My Sexual Orientation: I Am What I Am

If there is one thing consistent that I have learned about myself, it’s that my fancies’s can play as fickle as a fiddle from a pickle barrel of violins!

I do a lot of reading here on 360, many about either sprinting to the O.R. for surgeries, others about loss of family, but few I find that discuss ones Transition of their sexual orientation.

At this stage of my transition from a male to a female, I'm facing the difficult realities of my choices and the concessions they inherit; and if that weren't enough, my decision making abilities have started hitch hiking down the side of the road with a sign that says “Thailand or Bust”!

Many people come to read my page here (my mother included (Hi Mom! And yes, the wife knows all about this Blog <wink>)), co workers and of course all my friends from inside and out of the TransGendered community. So, this subject is not easy for me to discuss in open forum – I do so with the up most care and respect – I hope you as the reader, will acknowledge that this is a VERY difficult thing for me right now, and I turn to YOU all for some solid advice.

I have discussed this subject at length with my Therapist, however, in the end, I had came to the conclusion that “Chloe” was a heterosexual woman with lesbian tendencies and “Ted” was a complete heterosexual Man - Period.

As I move closer and closer to completing my surgery, I am going over the numbers of my sexual orientation in my mind and have decided to go back to therapy for a few sessions to work this out. It seems my Sexual Orientation is ALSO transitioning with me.

Either way, I WILL have the surgery - NO MATTER WHAT! However, I need help in working out my feelings for my attraction to the opposite sex and where and what it will all correlate with once I am 100% a female. To sum it up: You know the commercial jingle “Some times you feel like a nut, some times you don’t?!”

Could this be a case of libido in flux?

A year ago, I had to find out – discussing the issue with my wife, I was given the green light to go on a date with a male – to be escorted for the night to the theater. My wife aslo wanted to know how I felt too. We both needed to know "Does Chloe like men, and why?"

(Below is a photo of me on the date).

The gentlemen that took me was a real nice guy – ideal for my first time out. I was very thankful to his girlfriend to allow him to come and “Stand up for me” so to speak. It was something I badly needed to do. At the time, I needed to find out how I would feel being treated COMPLETELY like a lady… and “he” did that for me. He held doors, took my coat, brought me a corsage and even coordinated his colors with my dress.

After the “mock” date, he walked me to my car. Alone, there in the midnight November air with a light sprinkle of snow falling, we stood under a lamp post at my car – no more words were said; our eyes meant for a moment and then, he leaned into me, grasp me firmly and I fell powerless into his arms (as if under a spell)! He kissed me ever so softly on the lips; out of complete instinct. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and melted into him to what turned out to be the sexiest moment of my female life!

In that moment, for the first time – “Chloe”, felt completely a woman.

We remained friends. I will admit, for a while I was confuse by the situation , but later realized that "he" only fullfilled a feminine desire to be treated like a lady by a man - I had no REAL feelings for him.

We never dated again and in fact, I have not seen him in almost a year now. He will always remain so special to me – but he belongs to another and so do I. He is a very honorable person and I am happy that I had my 1st experince with someone that I could trust to make it a positive one for me.

The next morning I awoke to my wife standing over me, “So how was it?” she asked. I told her "....{sigh}...amazing…."

“Did he kiss you?” she grined...

Carefully choosing my words now, I told her everything.

“How did that make you feel?” she asked now crossing her arms.

Looking back over the moment, I said “When he kissed me, I've never felt so safe, so secure, more beautiful and more desired than I did when he held and kissed me - He completed me as a woman!”

Then, with tears in her eyes welling up, my wife said to me, “ see…. THAT'S what you’ve taken away from me!!"

It’s amazing how so few words can pluck you right out of the best moment in your life and bring you crashing back to Earth, landing in the pit of Hell's belly.

She was right ya know....

I HAD taken that all away from her. It dawned on me:

"She is a heterosexual woman – it’s not about being Trans, or not loving me enough… it’s just “Chloe” wasn’t part of the deal here. I've turned her into appearing as a lesbian to the entire world -AND- made a mockery of her sexual orientation and her marriage!."

The information came crashing in on me…

It was TOO much…

That was a year ago that all happen. We are still together – but it is completely for the children’s sake it seems these days. With out support from our families and worse yet – negative bias members who wanted to “oust me from my own home and from my children”, we have no support system to hold us together – not even for the children’s sake it seems.

So this is my “Sophia’s Choice”. Now that I know what I'm doing - How do I deal with it - AND, can I? CAN SHE?

The dilemma: I can not work the details out in my mind because there is a cloud that looms over me – That cloud is SRS.

I can not make a clear decision on my sexual preference until I transition – that being, to whom I want to live life with and have enjoyable and fulfilling sex and with that choice, a fulfilling life.

I don’t want to push my wife into doing this when I know it is not what she wants – this would hurt me knowing that I was making her do something she didn’t want to do. It already is hard enough knowing that the mere fact of transition was not what she wanted and that is hurting her - and I am powerless to stop that, except to be strong enough to let her go.. and all others that I am hurting by doing so.

Living with a man or a woman has its advantages – but that all aside, if I’m ONLY listening to my heart, I’m in trouble – because it’s not talking to me – it’s in Thailand waiting for me to come get it with my surgery.

I hate doing this to my wife – I just don’t want to put her through this – I don’t want to be selfish like this – but she won’t divorce me – so am I being selfish by making that decision myself for her?

What if I transition, and find that while I find men attractive and even liked kissing them, that it turns out THAT'S ALL I liked and the act of actually having sex with a man would be not what I want!?


I still want a vagina either way – that’s for sure. I NEVER want to have sex as a male in ANY capacity ever again – it disgusts me! Taking a shower, I try to cover up – I don’t even like LOOKING down there any more… its just a death every time I have to be reminded of the mistake in my panties.

Working my gender issues out was easy: I am a woman.

But, am I Hetero or a Lesbian Woman?

I guess "I am what I am" and the decision will eventually make it's self.

-Chloe Prince

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Stealth III

Stealth III

I've discussed with several Post-Op transsexuals all the elements involved in becoming stealth after the physical & legal changes are complete. Finally their psyche, body and soul are synchronized and there is nothing to halt them from living as they felt they should have been born. Most I have talked to want to be stealth in terms of never having to disclose their past. They want to engage in a relationship in which everything goes pretty much as if they were born in a female body. Therefore, they seek for a relationship with a man. Naturally a few prefer to relate to a woman & in my view that offers better possibilities. A relationship with a man differs. Pregnancy is one factor as most men would like to have a child with the woman they love. Then she must disclose the reasons why she cannot bear a child or make a believable story, not a good scenario.

From Wikipedia: Deception is the act of convincing another to believe information that is not true.

Deception involves concepts like propaganda, distraction and concealment. Fiction, while sometimes manipulative, is not a deception unless it is portrayed as the whole truth; not to be confused with half-truths.

Read incognito as well.

Anyone that discovers their partner’s secret is not going to react positively. The consequences will vary, depending in several factors that I will not fully cover here, but the principle is that trust has been betrayed. Without trust it is impossible to resume in a loving/nurturing relationship. I believe in the possibility that after a long and nurturing relationship, compassion and forgiveness may be applied. However, this is mostly due to the ability of the person to forgive and get in touch with the depth of their feelings with whom they love. However physical and mental anguish are the alternate possibility as there are more homophobic men than those in touch with compassion. Those men will act accordingly to their level of education, ability to open their mind, religious background, & social status.

Is the potential danger worth it? In my view, no, it is not by any means. There is no way such facts can be hidden 100%. A few have told me that they will volunteer to reveal their secret once they are convinced their potential partner is truly interested in a steady/long lasting relationship. Not wise as well, in my view.

A few others have told me to be able to disclose their past right up front when they see the need for. That is not stealth. So what is it for them? It is no more than removing themselves for the XG world and it's members. I already mentioned (blogII) the reasons many had shared with me. I can sympathize with them, but here I go again with the same drumming it is not going to take care of the problem. It can help to deal with the symptoms but the disease is left untouched.

We have no other option but to take care of the disease. But why me? Well, that is if we really want to make ourselves free. Who knows? Possibly there will be a day in which science, society, religion, moral views may accept the fact this is not the result of a gone wrong ability to cope with life as we received it. It is something that naturally happens and we, the owners of such had no choice but to face it, deal with it and honor it. Then we may be understood, accepted and supported. A change that will be extremely hard to achieve not only due to lack of an open mind, but serious financial issues such as the insurance companies having to pay for the procedures required. I want to emphasize that the problem is not exclusive of insurance companies, but the medical industry as a whole. However, if such mentality would be changed the cost of many of those procedures would be easily removed or modified for the better. Early transitioning could take place and that would make the whole process better, faster and cheaper.

We need to be out under the sun and show everyone who we are and let them see that we are not a small number. No matter how we identify under the transgender umbrella, all XG people can have a positive influence on our future. We can all participate in the building of our society by providing the kinds of services/goods we choose as our means to living, we pay taxes, we vote, we affect our immediate environment with our presence and as well, we are a very important element to our global environment. Not taking care of our world problems cost twice as much while wasting valuable resources. But if we would actively participate, at least we are given a chance. There are many rotten apples that will not be changed, but we can do as much as we can to make sure no more of those apples sprout from our gardens! All that is only possible if we come out, become visible with our own and truthful realities and voice ourselves.

There have been historical characters in our world that changed forever the way we deal with and look at everything! Who's to say you cannot be one? That is exactly the premise that produced changes in our history & they were not stealth by any means. Possibly many pay a high price to it, but aren't we all paying as much? Yes, we are, whether XG or not. We can ripple our appreciation towards life and others as we become active in the formation of our future. If you know or feel that you will not be the direct benefactor of such, at least you can take the satisfaction of knowing you can make it possible for the new generations to come even if we don't get the benefit of seeing it!

Please think about it and take any kind of action you can. Staying invisible to the radar doesn't do anything for you at all, to the contrary you have to disguise yourself like something you are not and after you've trying to disguise yourself as what you truly are, why to go back to the same by simply going to other side of the extreme? Think about it.

I want to thank Alexis for condensing/proofing my 3 Stealth blogs. W/o her help this task would be the same. Thank you Sweetheart!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Holidays

Okay, some silliness for the holidays. ElfYouself!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Stealth II

Stealth?... II

Last week I began to explain my views about the elements involved with perspectives about the transgender mindset and going stealth, but due to space I wasn't able to cover a lot of things. Among the principal reasons to aspire to achieve such invisible state is a parting of ways with things in Transgendered World. Many XG people find a tremendous impact when discovering they are not alone as there are thousands of people around the globe that face the syndromes of being out of the gender identification mainstream box.

History started to change for all of us in the early 90s as the internet was a true breakthrough that provided a resource for the transgender population as well as the general viewing public, courageous XG people had a portal in expression, achievements, goals, history, sufferings and pictures. Our once tiny world started growing while providing an illusionary feel of belonging & state of normalcy.

There was however negative connotations that were brought to our world such as pornography, an invasion of She-Male sites sprouted making as much money as the straight porno businesses. The video industry added a new layer into their many money making machines and the she-males layer became a new sexual icon. Many XG people followed such movement by becoming consumers of such products and many others became a sort of participants by presenting themselves in such fashion. Some of the transgender groups at Yahoo, MSN and other places allowed many of us to voice our thoughts and opinions that brought momentum to our lives. However, most of those groups became a sleazy place to present many of the people in our world. Those groups became a private way to expose themselves in rather sexual manner and as well, to connect in a sexual way with others.

Other transgender resources and venues became known and many girls ventured into joining others, allowing themselves a little more than the picture time at home. People were meeting people and associations of all sorts were made from developing friendships on line, attending venues and even in their secrecy, had the opportunity to create a world that would resemble reality. The opportunities that a person didn't have before the net now were possible.

Many of us developed a public pride of being who we are. We openly presented ourselves to the world and began accepting our duality in a binary world. However, after time, maybe a long time, we as well started to get in touch with "how such reality works". Relating to other TGs became redundant to many and the ones that started maturing past the online world felt differently with emphasis on their futures, we started to take action in our selves and gradually became comfortable with most of it. Not that everyone comes out, but many after finding venues where they could live their XG essence, found satisfaction in their newfound presence with the occasional outing, going to a club, shopping, a convention became a tremendous opportunity that didn't exist before and now it was possible in a safe environment, company of other like minded individuals, more importantly away from being exposed to ones family or work. A partial reality that still suffices for many and I wouldn't be where I am today w/o any of these instances happening. It has allowed me a way to express myself in the public eye, relate to others, spend substantial time in femme, provided me the continuum I needed to connect all the dots I needed to figure how repressed I was for many years, if not most of my life.

Yet, many things started to become old, silly, unreliable and at times simply wrong. Since I was in a new place within, I experienced no need to be a part of the world that allowed me to achieve my new state. In fact, I started to experience a lot of resentment towards such world and started feeling the as if I did not belong to the world that made possible for me to arrive to where I am today. I've thought of becoming stealth because of this. I have learned who I am within and who I align with and it is not someone that feels erotically enticed by gender achievements as I've grown so much in within!

During my discoveries of XG people on the net & world, I often became outraged seeing that many sisters would despise others because they were different. I always expressed my voice w/o realizing that I was creating a gap between the groups and started understanding the effects of such. Not that I consented of such a split, but labels started making sense though there are so many categories under the transgender umbrella such as transsexual, intersex, cross-dressers and the list goes on. However being exposed to all those, getting involved started to become a conflict of interest and a good reason to start considering a stealth life. After all, my deepest desire has always been to live a life I chose and this time was to live it as a woman. Not just enjoying a few sporadic times as one.

A separation from the transgender community felt mandatory by the difference in ideals and goals for those who wish to live full time. The true fact is that I embrace my duality very well, but I decided to give it a go after I've lived my life as a male for the first half of my life. Late blooming or not, I decided to endeavor openly my desire to feel everything as the woman only I can be. I will not be able to achieve such, for as long as I remain as XG woman. Therefore I feel a need to remove all traces of my past, connections and associations to be able to fulfill my life as a woman in the mainstream world and I am not referring about the boxed mainstream world noted above. All those sexually explicit profiles on line do tremendous damage to our XG world and do not want to be confused or placed among them. What's the difference? My XG quality doesn't include or accept to be placed among, naughty, juvenile, hostile, unreliable, closeted or a shameful and guilty deviant. We are not deviants, but we've moved far away from the boxed mainstream thinking and need to get out of the shadow of ignorance.

I am fully aware that doing so is a humongous task that may bring extremely painful repercussions. Therefore it is much better for me to live in a secured secrecy and point the finger to the ones that had the courage to move on with their life and not just exclusively as a XG person, but as a human being. That is the main reason people like me, perhaps you, find to become Stealth. We need to remove ourselves, hide from our own brothers and sisters. For as long as we don't find the comfort needed in our environment, we need to become like anyone else. To become a part of the homogenized world that doesn't allow us to be who we are w/o their approval, consent and support.

I've been accused of not being in touch with reality but whose reality is it? The only reality pondering my door here is that I am a transgender woman! It is my choice to lead the life I choose whether or not it is right or wrong in the eyes of another. It is not a matter of becoming public again and put the bulls-eye target on our chest. We can resume life as we knew it before but embracing our TRUE ESSENCE and SELF and when we are needed, we can provide the needed support that once we received from others.

Being XG person is not an easy life, we all know that. In fact it can become rather painful and we risk so much dealing with the issues openly, so we delve to a new point of beginning. We start by taking baby steps and at some point we are somewhere out of the closet filing back into the mainstream. Not hiding from others and more importantly, the people that really matter in our lives, the love of our families, friends and sisters. Why not sit down for a while and establish a dialog with your inner self to figure out what is needed to change your life? The kind of life you want and maybe deserve? Feeling those strong tones of your female core, you're more in tune with all there is in within, right? You're more loving, spontaneous, caring, compassionate, supportive, etc. You're complete, right? So why to remove yourself from the ranks of what provided you the clue and courage to become who you are? Why go to a new level of secrecy? Even if you think that to be possible, it is not. It is a false sense or reality. You're still holing a BIG secret! What once you were. You will never stop being who you were and if you try, really try, that would be another obstacle in your life that will render you unhappy, incomplete and you will have to guard for as long as you're alive.

Note: I receive quite a bit of personal notes about my blog. I am very thankful to you for those, but it defeats the purpose of expressing my views in a public manner if you don't do the same. Even if your view/experience is contrary to mine, make your self be heard! For as long as you use good language and sense, we want to know anything my blogs bring into your self. It will be very appreciated by all of us.

Will continue...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Your friendship.

After digging through tons of CDs, floppies, Dat tapes, etc, I finally found one of the many poems I've written a few years ago to my feminine side. Something I did for about 10 years and very far from the place I am today.

I had no idea I would be getting to the place I live in today! Yet, after reading this one, no wonder.

This is more than a poem, a letter I wrote to myself in the same fashion I used on my poetry. It looks like I am writing to someone else. Actually, I was. I was addressing my feelings to that unsupported, no comprehended and vital part of myself. In the same fashion we refer to her, when we are her and to him, when we are him, I wrote from one to the other one.

To me such process is exactly the same when I write a letter to someone I can't really stell what I have to say. I write the letter, never send it and burn it as a ceremonial letting go of the person or the issue.

Again, when I wrote all those, I had no idea that one day I would really mean what I felt. I would allow my feminine to become physical, real and live with me, myself.

Although I still am short of fully delivering my sentiment, my feelings about my duality are as strong as they were before. I only wish to be back to writing to myself again and when I do it, I will be happy to share it with you.

Maybe my writing is not that powerful or clear, but my feelings are and I dearly love them.

If you wish to copy this, please send me a note to request my permission.

Thanks and enjoy!



March 29, 1996. Los Angeles, California

This is a short letter to share with you what you and your friendship mean to me. From all the people I’ve met, you are the one I feel deserves the words that come out of my actions and feelings when you are present. This is the most difficult thing for me to do, since my actions come out of my heart spontaneously, without request or hesitation. Putting my feelings and thoughts onto a piece of paper demands the maximum of my consciousness. Not only that, but it challenges my fears of openness to let you know how much you can expect from me and how committed and invested I am in this relationship.

I feel total nakedness in the middle of the dark with the spotlight on me. I don’t fear your scrutiny but my openness and vulnerability. Your presence in my life has brought within me a striving for honesty, directness and the sincerity that I have in the past reserved only for those who offered me theirs.

With you, there is no need for me to expect the same from you, because there are peace and space for me to roam in the realm of my intimacy. No need to protect, cover, or armor the most intimate parts of me, many of which nobody else knows about, yet parts which I can share all with you. That, simultaneously, brings the deepest closeness within my own self: full of love, full of understanding, support, forbearing. All because of you.

When I am around you, your attention and presence bring the giving and attentive, grounding my presence around you, caring and sharing for the wonderful outcome of our dancing together. That, to me, is friendship. There is no abuse, no infliction of a struggle simply because there is no struggle, but simplicity. No place looks empty when you are around. No place lacks of sound for the soul when you are around, and it never matters where I go, you go with me.

Your presence in your utmost ethereal, is always a nutrient of mine. Making me feel whole, complete with all my maleness and staying in touch with all your femaleness. Closing the loop of the energy that makes me creative, adventurous, mysterious, strong, intense, inquisitive and myself. Who I am and who I’m not do not matter, because I am always present Present with you and with myself, creating an unprecedented intensity that builds steadily the necessary strength in the journey of life. This intensity also brings the light of me and your presence and provides me the cover that shades the weaknesses of my victories, my endeavors, in the learning process of life, what it was, and revealing what I want it to be, for you and for me.

Your friendship is a not solo flight. It is an invitation for me to be present and attuned for the new risings in my growth, while having a helping hand available to seed every day in your fertile ground. All of this, doesn’t have a meaning without you, without your friendship. I say so, as I watch the growth created by your hand in this realm of mine. You are the one to harvest from mine, while I care and wait for the growth of yours. I seed and water, I cover and feed, for the day to come and show you what has grown in you, as you witness the growth in me.

In this friendship of mine there are not unfulfilled requests, neither unnecessary demands. Just, needs met, desires accomplished, dreams to follow, together and alone. It is in the tandem of our energy where the secret lives and it is in the attention given, where the dance takes place.

In this friendship of ours, there is room for both of us to breathe, turn around, stop, go, see, feel, and orchestrate from simplicity to magnitude. In this friendship of ours there is space for expressing without sensing judgement, exploring with no restrictions, risking with no consequences, receiving without asking, giving without invading, learning without prying. There is enough room for tears and laughters, genuine and discovery. This friendship of ours is ours and no one disowns it. In the realm of freedom we explore each other with passion, knowing that the discovery of each other represents the encounter with ourselves. The love and lust for each other represent the preservation of our utmost selves. The balance and trust of each other represent the evolution of our soul in the most intimate confinement, but we are not alone at all, because you have yourself and I have mine, and because we have the capability, willingness and desire to share our oneself with each other. In that way, we find the most precious parts of each other, without ignoring the counterparts that makes us wholesome and unabridged.

You represent to me the opportunity to probe my self, to mirror myself and my actions with a meaningful outcome, to perseve and improve my surroundings through the improvement of my inner self, with all my parts and the places that this dance of us takes us.

You represent my beloved self with all the grace I can grant without request. The same that comes from the deepest and more meaningful parts of my soul, my body and my mind, and all this is present, thanks and through your presence in my life.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Fault Lines

Recently I've crystallized some thoughts that I had been knocking about for a while concerning the sometimes less than cordial relationships between the transsexual, transgendered and ambigendered (OK, use crossdresser or another term if you prefer) segments of our community. It seems we ought to be able to get along pretty well given that we share the common bond of a desire to express a gender identity contrary to our biological sex—and society's general rejection of the same. Yet there is often tension between these various groups. Why?
I think the real dividing line in our community is the desire to transition. The transsexual and the transgendered (in the original sense of the word, those who desire to live as the opposite gender) are on one side and the "part-timers" (CDs, TVs, fetishists, etc.—we're not as clearly defined and labeled) on the other. And while we are often allies, we exist in a tenuous relationship with one another. My view of the tension is that is springs from the fact that those on both sides of the line have a need—and it is legitimate and understandable- -to distinquish themselves from those on the other. The M2F transsexual needs to prove that she really is a woman with an unfortunate physical birth defect and the transitioning transgendered M2F is similar in desiring to prove a compelling need to express her feminine identity full-time. These individuals genuinely feel they must prove that they aren't "just" some part-time crossdresser who is dabbling at this. The problem is that this distinction is perhaps most easily expressed by blatantly insulting the "part-timers" with in a condescending "trannier than thou" sort of attitude.
This is not to say that my tribe, the ambigendered, CDs, and other parttimers are blameless. We have the need to prove to ourselves and others (particularly significant others and spouses) that while we may cross over to the other side of the gender barrier, we are only doing so temporarily (hence my preference for the term ambigendered) . We find it necessary to establish our identity as distinct from the transsexual or the permanently transitioning transgendered individual as not seeking permanent transitioning. The simplest way to do that is often crude and offensive to those on the other side of the fault line.
There is a delicate balance between the legitimate needs of the transitioner and polite respect for those who aren't transitioning. And frankly, introspection, tact, finesse, diplomacy and literary nimbleness are uncommon traits both in our community and the human race at large. While there isn't an easy way to address the legitimate needs of every individual in our community as regards explanation of personal gender status, there is a simple rule that might help us lay the foundation for mutual respect and cooperation. It involves behaving towards one another with toleration and compassion. That shouldn't be so hard, since that seems to be what we all crave from the rest of society. Toleration, like charity, begins at home; if you can't give it, you shouldn't expect to receive it.

Stealth I

I've thought so much about the "stealth state" that most post-op sisters adopt once achieving their goal. These thoughts of mine have been ongoing since 2002 when I started corresponding with a local young TS woman. I contacted her due to my interest to meet other gender crossing (XG) people near me. She accepted my interest right away and with time she started expressing her confidence while developing trust in me. We finally met at the end of 2003 as she was moving away to achieve "Stealth" status.

Early 20's pretty young gal, that was very confused and angry about living as a male, when she always felt to be a woman. As we were starting our friendship, she had already achieved some cornerstones, such as coming out to family members and selected friends and had began hormone replacement therapy (HRT). At work, she was the boy as she was born, though as time progressed became quite androgynous and quite passable with her own long hair, arched brows, wonderfully chiseled features and a slender 5'9" frame. Her demeanor within was clearly very feminine as she always exhibited traits similar to any other woman I had known, though carried a strong disregard for male attitudes. She had confided in me that she had never had an intimate relationship with either gender and was unsure about her sexual orientation, though she was open to exploring a relationship with a man.

Shortly before she decided to move, she had a Trachea shave procedure and possibly rhinoplasty (nose reconstruction) but I can't really say since I had only seen one picture of her before the surgical procedures.

For the most part, our exchanges were about her emotional state of mind. Probably 9 out of 10 times she was very unhappy and ready to burst. It was my first real encounter with Gender Dysphoria. I became a sort of "counselor" through our correspondence, I began noticing how she would start looking at her situation from other angles after my long mail messages. Therefore, her views would slowly shift to entertaining herself looking at her internal process, rather than the events that would take place around her. There were times however she would be very upset because she did not like my way of looking and presenting things. Note: I was not her counselor, but it felt like if I was. Our exchanges were of one that occurs between two adults, one much older than the other and at times my personal opinion would be a part of the deal.

Toward the end of our correspondence, we started talking about stealth issues. I knew so little about it and remember reading at an MSN group that one regular member exited the group w/o any goodbyes. The stealth concept was brought into the board and I started learning that it was a part of the expected result when arriving to the end of the transitioning process.

My friend Kay (not her real name), started talking very seriously about it. I noticed we were both taking the issue seriously and at times got emotionally involved. A natural process for me, since I was beginning to figure my own thoughts and feelings about the whole issue, regardless of how convinced whether I was going for a full transition or not. As I voiced my own soul, I learned so much about Gender Dysphoria and even more about the repercussions of transitioning.

With regards to doing such personally, I wanted to learn all of the implications as in my view, a vital core part of spiritual/psychological/emotional growth were to be forsaken in this process. However, I delved into the idea that I may possibly do the exact same, so I kept the door open, so I could figure all of the positives as well as negatives of doing so.

Kay's case was very similar to many others. Although her family "accepted" her decision to transition, they didn't know how to approach the situation. Kay felt unsupported and not welcome in her new lifestyle. Support was extremely hard to come by as well as grasp due to the lack of awareness of the processes involved successfully transitioning from someone looking in from the outside. I remember watching an airing of Oprah Winfrey when her show covered a transitioning woman as she said, “I simply cannot understand why and how you can put yourself through all of this.” She was as honest as they come and I could tell there was genuine concern in her feeling, but as well she was proud of her guest for having the courage to take what she felt was the right course.

Kay and I covered so many aspects of becoming stealth. One that caught my attention deeply was that she told me that by becoming stealth she wouldn't be in need of disclosing her past to any potential lover. She was a woman, period! That ran the alarm bells for me. I remember some of the cases in which transgender women were beaten and others killed once their partners found out their lovers past as a male. I expressed my concern about it and she got very angry with me and presented all her arguments to support her view, none of which felt valid as they would not prevent her from becoming a victim of her potential lover. In the conversation we had previous to last (in person) I was so alarmed, that my response was ringing with outrage that at some point I told her "I think you should swallow an acid (LSD) so you can see other things. Like what life is in its real essence." I didn't mean it literally, but I wanted to convey to her that I was worried for her safety and well being. The topic pretty much died there and she assumed her stealth status and slowly phased out of my life.

From my outlook, the integration of both genders, past and present provide the richest wealth we can gather to nurture our souls in this life. Putting one or the other in the closet is a criminal act that many of us have lived for so many years and we need to have in depth knowledge thereof. With regards to living stealth, I acknowledge the fact that as we progress in our transition our past history and lifestyle slowly vanishes. In my experience, the saddest of all is realizing that my male persona is going away and I dearly loved myself as a male, even if I prefer to present as a true woman. I am extremely grateful for it allowed me to learn so much, protecting and giving me the opportunity to be a first hand witness that a lot of things are much easier for males.

Many of the achievements in my life would not have been possible as a female. So letting go of my male persona has been a sad experience. Not that I can't do it or that I do not want to, it’s just simply sad to take a critical part of ones make up and figuratively place it on a shelf never to be used again.

I didn't have a problem with anything associated being a male, since I felt comfortable falling somewhere between both genders. How I felt, thought, acted, related, etc. & remembering long ago my father's wife told me "I think you're afraid of women.” Referring to my lack of ability to approach in a sexual way a woman we both knew that I was so attracted to! Every single minute I spent with her was like pure heaven. She enticed me at all levels and I couldn't make my move to become intimate and personal with her. I felt she was attracted to me as well and it would have been easy for me to take that step, however she was married and that is a moral line I would not cross. She was in a marriage that was collapsing and her husband was not a safe person. Very controlling, incredibly powerful, rich, popular, you name it. Had I became involved with her, the stakes would have been extremely high including the custody of her children. I knew as well, my chances of surviving such relationship were small under these circumstances. My female persona had enough depth to know exactly what was happening to her and what I would represent to her at such moment in her life. It would have been great, though temporary moment for us both carrying serious complications. My female feelings wouldn't allow me to succumb to all the desire I experienced with and for her! I could have gone either way, but I chose to honor my appreciation for intimacy rather than my physical call. If there was a fear towards women, it was the fear I experience due to my XG condition, not to females at all.

What does that have to do with stealth issues? The acceptance of my duality of that time allowed me to see both ends of the spectrum. My male counterpart will never be as it was ever again. I feel a deep level of nostalgia as I see my male presence fading like a sunset. The very same way I saw my female persona before I found the courage to honor it as it seemed so far away! My male is in that same place and I will honor it for as long as I live. Maybe I will not act like I did then and maybe I will not ever use the resources of my male ego again, but that male of my past is and always will be a core part of what this life of mine has been to this day. It has nothing to do with hormones, or my body shape, nor the way I look at life. It is not a physical realm as much as it is purely spiritual.

The most challenging part of a transgender life is integrating both parts of the self, to make peace with it and honor what one is within. So becoming stealth is simply starting a new chapter in life in which we live right now w/o going back to the past for whatever reason it maybe. A chapter that always existed will carry forth a part that was me, my life, my body, my spirit, my past, my learning years and I can't turn my back to the core part of myself to make things easier nor smoother. At some point or another, that hidden secret of mine may become as dangerous as I perceived in the past as one of being discovered as a XG woman. That skeleton in the closet does not lead to anything positive at any level in life and if we live with them as such, we are prone to all of the guilt and shame defeating the purpose of life.


Sunday, November 04, 2007

And Now What?

“You cannot step in the same river twice” is an expression of the experience of having “been there, done that”.

So you can dress to the nines, go to the gay and transgendered clubs and be constantly complimented, ogled, and hit on by guys and masculine cross-dressers. So most of your transgendered friends cannot pass well enough to go to mainstream public places, and even those that could, choose to go to the same blasé, gay, transgender-friendly, safe clubs. And some of those who don’t pass go to straight places anyways, and don’t mind being mistaken for drag queens and being instant celebrities whom everyone wants to have their pictures taken with. So you pass on this option. And now what?

So you can dress as an attractive female, go alone to the mall and the straight clubs, fly under the radar, and still be complimented, ogled, and hit on by guys (albeit fewer times). But you don’t dare to interact much because of the fear of discovery of your true identity and the peril that might follow. So you can alone go to lesbian clubs and be complimented (but rarely hit on by women even though you like women). So your experiences start to seem hollow, void, empty, lacking in substance. So the thrill is gone although you spend considerable time helping others. So is this all there is for a non-transitioned, transgendered woman? And now what?

So you have been unable to meet people with the same needs, wants, and desires? So is this a forecast that the transgendered life is not for you or is it the prelude of the need for something fresh, vital, and alive? And now what?

Felicia Conti

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Ah, yes.. What's a little "T" amongst friends?

For those who read John Aravosis' Swiss Cheese piece in Salon you can spare yourselves the repeat. For those less "fortunate", I've linked it above.

Mr Aravosis proffers an opinion that the LGB(T) community as a whole wants ENDA with or without the gender identity provisions.

However, the piece is titled " How did the T get in LGBT?" His entire assertion is that the T does not belong in with LGB. Mr Aravosis chooses to use the Wikipedia version of the LGBT history. We all know the hours of painstaking fact checking and vetting that done there..... Hell, Dan Rather did more vetting on his "Bush's National Guard " piece.... Let's actually review some facts.

1.) The T came first
The "T" in the LGBT Movement... It's a hot August night in San Francisco in 1966 -- three years before the famed Stonewall. Compton's Cafeteria, in the seedy Tenderloin district, is hopping with its usual assortment of transgender people, young street hustlers, and down-and-out regulars. The management, annoyed by the noisy crowd at one table, calls the police. When a surly cop, accustomed to manhandling Compton's clientele, attempts to arrest one of the queens, she throws her coffee in his face. Mayhem erupts -- windows break, furniture flies through the air. Police reinforcements arrive, and the fighting spills into the street. For the first time, the drag queens band together to fight back, getting the better of the cops, whom they kick and stomp with their high-heeled shoes and beat with their heavy purses. For everyone at Compton's that night, one thing was certain -- things would never be the same again. This act of resistance was a dramatic turning point for the transgender community, and the beginning of a new human rights struggle that continues to this very day. For almost 40 years, it was an almost-forgotten footnote until the recent film documentary Screaming Queens recovered the story for today's audiences.

Somewhere in the early 70's the movement to "mainstream" homosexuality started rolling. The idea that all gay men wore panties and all lesbians had hairy armpits and drove semis were stereotypes that had to be buried.And rightfully so. However,this resulted the sweeping the Queens and Fairies under the Yellow Brick Road.
A good yet brief history of the Trans/HRC schism can be read here

2.) Not all gay men are Will Truman.....
Gender identity protects effeminate gay men and butch lesbians as much, if not more that transgendered persons. While within certain demographics of the gay community, the white collared Tom Ford wannabes ( "Not that there's anything wrong with that....."), and the Angelina Jolie'd Lipstick Lesbians anything non conforming in presentation draws negative attention to themselves. We trans folks do the same with the "French Maid" and " Sissy Sluts". Yet what of the Jack McFarlands? the Nancy Boys, Tomboys, Chapstick Lesbians, Dykes, Bulls or not, and your garden variety Queers? Yes Queer. Isn't THAT the common thread we share?

We are a Union of Queer Folk.

Let's really discuss his premise here. How DID the T get in LGBT?

His argument of incremental rights has been floated by many supporting a non gender identity version of ENDA. The talking points go like this "Civil rights legislation -- hell, all legislation -- is a series of compromises. You rarely get everything you want, nor do you get it all at once. Blacks, for example, won the right to vote in 1870. Women didn't get that same right until 1920".

Mr Aravosis' explanation of incremental rights would have meant that blacks and women were in the same fight for voting rights in the 1870 and that someone in Congress decided to eliminate women from The Fifteenth Amendment.

Based on his "logic", incremental rights would have actually worked like this:

"Light skinned Blacks, for example, won the right to vote in 1870. Dark skinned blacks didn't get that same right until 1920."

For Mr Aravosis, any ENDA is better than no ENDA is a cover for his transphobia. That "I started asking friends and colleagues, ranging from senior members of the gay political/journalistic establishment to apolitical friends around the country to the tens of thousands of daily readers of my blog" and "if they thought we should pass ENDA this year even without gender identity. Everyone felt bad about taking gender identity out of ENDA, everyone supported transgender rights, and everyone told me "pass it anyway." The final quotation marks are his. As if everyone one of them replied with exactly that answer.

Hmmm? I can see this conversation now, over Martinis at Halo.

"Trans folk are nice enough people though, even if they are riding on our shirt tails. "
" Of course I like transgender people, some of my best friends are transgendered."

Mr Aravosis, I don't care if you're trans phobic. I'm use to transphobia from 80% of the population, just please drop the "Holier than Thou" and "Song and Dance"

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Example of Character

Some of us may be aware that Donna Rose, a well known member of the trans community and a Board member at HRC has resigned. Having read HRC's stance on ENDA and its decision to oppose immediate markup of the bill, and Joe Solomonese's speech at SCC in September, I found her convictions refreshing.

While HRC is now scrambling to recover, PassENDAnow, and this latest statement from Joe Solomonese both are pushing for full support of an inclusive ENDA, not the Barney Frank proposed and Nancy Pelosi supported "Cert's" bill, " Two, two, two bill's in one". Is this too late to regain support from the trans community? Were they always onboard and just looking for a way to delay the markup in order to truly garner the votes needed?

I say it doesn't matter.

Anything short of an immediate rebuke to Rep. Frank's proposal and a call to action from the entire GLBT community in support of that position is unacceptable. It says they would be willing to "sell" us out. It draws into question their only recent conversion to include transgender rights.

People , this is nothing new for HRC, the HALF Rights Campaign.

The ironic thing is it is all a moot point. The current administration will veto it. Our solidarity would encourge those wavering on passage to have the courage the next time it is introduced. Yet movement on this bill was to show force and unity from the GLBT community.

And HRC flinched.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Where is the L-O-V-E ?

As I geared up for my 4th SCC, I had the opportunity to reflect on my personal journey of the last 4 years.

By 2003, I had come to terms with the fact I was transgendered. Even though I could not quantify the cause, I accepted it as part of my nature. It had been since the tender age of 6. Years of guilt and shame had taken its toll and I was ready for a change. Many things had transpired in the preceding year. My last relationship(HST i.e. hostage taking situation....) had ended in miserable failure. I was finally on my own, and, as I found to be later, on my way. New job, new income status, and new freedom allowed me to express this identity in a safer environment.

As these planets all came into alignment I found less than a harmonic convergance. The more exposed I was to the multivalent construal known as transgenderism, the less shielded I was to its stark divisions. I knew I was transgendered, however which subset did I belong to?

Communication and language are tools mankind has developed to express a point of view as to allow another person to understand it. For the purpose of my assessment I choose to define three subsets as following; transsexual (both op and non-op), androgynous ( including gender queers and crossdressers who dress for gender identity expression), and transvestites ( to include any fetish based or emotionally driven cross gendered expression through attire/clothing). At the core to each of these BROAD subsets is HOW gender and its expression relates to THEM.

[Please note: A crossdresser is ANYONE who wears clothing of their opposite physical sex. Transgender is an umbrella term used to describe ANYONE with a gender identity or expression that is at odds with society's binary gender construct]

To the transsexual, its is an innate sense knowing they who they are gender wise, its the body which is incongruent to this defined sense of self.

To the androgynous, its a sense of two genders.Sometimes singularly expressed, and sometimes jointly expressed. Yet typically never just one gender identity as defined by society's binary constructs.

To the transvestite, its a sense of fulfillment to an aspect of their gender definitions through the wearing of garments typically associated to the opposite physical sex. The fullfillment can be sexual in nature and it can be emotional too.

And therein, as the Bard would tell us, lays the rub.

Some transsexuals feel detached or wish to detach themselves from other transgendered individuals because their sense of self is, at least at the point they affirmed their status as transsexual, innate, permanant and quite clear. They were born with the right mind, its just the body which lagged behind. Anyone with less than the same feeling or sense of self could possible cause society at large to demean their situation. (Like its stereotypical TG characters in such movies as Dressed to Kill or Silence of the Lambs) Not dressing within a binarily defined gender contruct ( gender queer/fuck, or androgynous) or dressing in a fetish way can be seen as destructive to them and they need to blend in and be accepted. For many the ultimate goal is to fit into mainstream society and allow themselves to finally just live.

Some androgynous people consider and classify themselves as transgendered because in society's collective vocabulary, they have no accurate word to define themselves. They feel more bi-gendered variant that transvestites and less inconguent in their gender -physicality relationship than transsexuals. They see fetish based crossdressing involving intimate appearal or the lack there of(exposed body parts) in online photo albums as a threat to their legitimacy.

And, some transvestites, content on living with their gender which is in sync with their physical sex, will think in terms of their sense of self and do not possess the capacity to reasonably empathize beyond that contrust. To no fault of their own. How can white Americans truly understand personal biasses afflected upon black Americans. They lack a certain perspective. They are no less ridiculed by society than any other transgendered person however.

I have found, at times, a deep and dark distain for each other by some of us within all of these three subsets. However it seems to be strongest between the two extremes, transsexuals and transvestites. Transgender has been called an umbrella term . Yet I see it more like a covered bus stop. We're all in it together, however none of us want to look at or communicate with each other.

So this beg's to ask the question.

Where is the Love?

At a national level, most of the activism is directed to provide acceptance for those actively living and expressing, on a full time basis, a gender expression inconguent to their natal physicality. This means transsexuals both op and non-op or those 24/7.

At the local level most of the support mechanisms are gears towards the transvestites and provide a social outlet in addition to any emotional support provided.

While both of those two extremes benefit in small part to the actions taken on behalf of the other, there seems to be no middle ground and I certainly fail to see all of us holding hands and singing KumBayah anytime soon.

Which leaves us with the androgynous. You know us, chameleons as we are, we partied with the jocks and the stoners......

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Divine Feminine

Divine Feminine Force~Shakti

The divine feminine goes by many names in many spiritual traditions, but at the heart of nearly all of these, Shakti can be found. Hinduism specifically recognized the dynamic and potent feminine power that exists in all beings and deified it in the form of a goddess. Shakti, however, is not merely a single deity, playing a single role in the lives of humankind. Rather, she represents the fundamental creative force that is the root of all creation in the universe.

In art, Shakti has taken on the outward appearance of many goddesses, but her anthropomorphized form is far less significant than the essential form she takes within each of us. Shakti's presence in our lives can be experienced in a deep and personal way, but we must first reach out to her so that we can draw upon the vital animating energy that is her gift to us.There is no one motive that drives all beings to expend effort in the act of creation, which is precisely why Shakti can be the embodiment of power that is both constructive and destructive. Giving substance to inspiration helps to restore balance—sometimes by breaking matter or ideas down into their base components and sometimes by building them up into an object never before seen in the world. Shakti energy is intense yet multifaceted. It is simultaneously subtly illuminating and darkly fierce. There is a temptation among those touching the Shakti within themselves to ignore those elements of this powerful force that do not suit them. But to disregard this energy is to reject the fact that the elements of existence that are the most transformative and life-affirming are often those that are intensely challenging.

If our aim is to become consciously balanced, we must accept the Shakti within as a unified whole rather than an amalgamation of isolated qualities. You have likely felt Shakti's touch in your soul, even if you could not give the resultant feeling a name. When the goddess turns her gaze toward you, she recognizes the potential you embody, and her gift to you is the inspiration that allows you to realize that potential. Shakti exists in all thought, feeling, and matter, which means that you need only act upon your creative impulses to connect with the feminine power that has been a part of you since the universe's conception.



Saturday, March 10, 2007

Claiming Responsibility

Thank you Juli Roxx for sharing your perspective on my recent article "Is She Friend or Foe?". I love it when different views are brought because it only stimulates my mind further. You've made a few points here which I'd like to comment on...

Juli: "The article suggests that all that counts is what you think about yourself and to ignore obvious facts that are genuine problems and most difficult to deal with."

I am not suggesting that "all that counts is what you think about yourself", I am saying "the most important opinion is the one you hold of yourself"... big difference. Other people's thoughts and opinions might count also, depending who they are to you and how you feel about them. Yet if you consider yourself in a horrible light, most likely everyone else will consider you in a horrible light as well. Whereas if you claim the responsibility for considering yourself in a positive light, still many will consider you badly, but at least some will be able to see and appreciate your worth.

Juli: "Is it really true that if you pretend everything is okay, you are happy with your life and love how you are being treated that it will come to be?"

Certainly "pretending to be ok" when you are not ok, would be living in denial. Yet there is a difference between responsible acknowledgement of challenges vs. catastropic dwelling in them. Indeed, if you can find ways to be happy with your life, as painful as it may be, and if you can find ways to appreciate those precious few who do treat you well, life will at least start to feel a bit better. By claiming responsibility for your own positive state of being, you will at least open the door for good things to happen for you. I'm not saying everything will be perfect, I am saying it would be a refreshing first step in a healthier direction.

Juli: "Unfortunately how other people feel about you is the most important part of one's self-esteem. A person operates and acts on feedback from other people."

This again depends on how you feel about yourself. It does not have to be true that your self-esteem is completely hinged on others opinions of you, although I know that many if not most people feel similarly. Yet be aware that you are choosing something completely beyond your control upon which to base your entire self-concept, so it is no wonder you are frustrated. By expecting others to give you self-esteem, you set yourself up for certain failure.

If you want anyone else to see anything of value in you, and give you positive feedback, you must first see that value in yourself. If you can see no value in yourself, no one else will either. As much as you seem to want to give away your power and responsibility, self-esteem does in fact begin and end inside of you, no one else can give or take it. Therefore you must be the first to see that value in yourself. Through times when it seems like you might be the only one who sees that value in you, when it is most challenging to keep your self-esteem intact, that's when it is most critical not to let yourself down.

Juli: "You know you are going to fail because it has been demonstrated to you time and time again."

If you go into any situation "knowing you are going to fail", then you will definitely fail. If you see yourself as a failure, then in this moment you are a failure. Sadly, it will not turn around for as long as you "know you are going to fail" and such attitude guarantees a long hard road built on failure after failure. Only if you can begin to perceive yourself as capable and deserving of success do you have any hope of achieving it, although I am not saying it would be instantaneous or easy, just a necessary first step to get off the path of failure.

Juli: "I'm sorry but when I really love myself and know that I am a wonderful and privileged person, I'm still very likely to encounter non-acceptance, difficulty finding and keeping my needs for employment, relationships, family, love, sex and other things a person really requires to live a happy fulfilled life."

Indeed, you are still very likely to encounter all of these injustices, hardships and prejudices. All of these exist in the world, and you have virtually no control over them. The only control you have is how you deal with them as they come along. Are you going to let challenges destroy you, or are you going to keep marching forward through life? Just as your expectancy of failure, if you anticipate crisis, hardship, pain and lack, this is all you will get time and again. With an attitude of positive expectancy and inner self-worth, you will at least be strong enough to get up off the ground every time someone knocks you down.

Thank you again Juli for your comments, and I wish you all the best.

Love & light,

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Is She Friend or Foe?

The following was inspired by conversations with a dear friend who has been crossdressing since his early teens, and presently continues to struggle with guilt, shame, repression, denial... I hope to give this person and any of you who feel similarly, a more accepting way to relate to your inner woman. You are so beautiful, if only you could see what I see in you....


Dear one, for the past couple of years I have been delving into the psychology of what you are feeling. I have been connecting with special souls who endure the same inner bondage that you know all too well. I have a deep level of empathy for your plight, and from my vantage point, my wish is to convey to you a sense of peace surrounding who you are inside. If you will permit, I will show you a different perspective on this aspect which you have fought so hard against all of your life.

You tell me you wish these feelings were not part of you, and essentially if you could make your inner woman and her desires cease to exist, life would be much easier. This is all very true, yet I suspect that you have spent the last 30+ years wishing she would leave you in peace, trying to stifle her, ignore and deny her, shove her away in a box, yet never managing to quite rid yourself of her presence. I suspect that if it were possible to eradicate her, you would have done so long ago. So let's assume for a moment that she is an integral part of you, one which can not be permanently evicted under any circumstance.

With this in mind, you have two choices… to embrace her, or resist her. In either event she will continue to exist within you, the main difference is how she will make you feel inside and the consequent impact on all other areas of your life. Recognize and embrace her and she has the capacity to bring you inner peace and expanded awareness. Deny and resist her and she will bring the demons of guilt and shame to haunt you.

You can spend the rest of your life trying to crush this aspect of you, or you can reach inside and harness her feminine power in ways that lift you to new heights of awareness and understanding. You can perceive her as a negative element of yourself which is dirty, wrong and shameful… or you can recognize her precious value to your authentic self. Only you have the power to shift your perception of yourself. She can be your greatest gift or your worst curse, depending on how you treat her.

While it is not essential to come out and reveal your truth to anyone unless you choose, it is poison when you lie to yourself, deny yourself, hide in the shadows of your own mind, closed off from your inner light. In such a state of internal misalignment, you slowly whither and die inside, or you spontaneously combust, whichever comes first.

Taming the inner shrew can be a life-long civil war causing endless turmoil, or it can be a harmonious union between your inner male and female working together to function as a more complete human. Once you have acknowledged and accepted this aspect of yourself, you will quickly begin to feel a greater sense of control over your own life and desires.

I urge you to be the first to have compassion for yourself, and embrace your inner woman as a legitimate, valuable and worthy part of you. This does not mean she must become a predominant part of your life, or that radical changes are required, that you should transition, or that she should even necessarily show up on your surface. These are personal choices and each person is different. Rather I am saying that you will feel instant relief the moment you stop fighting and shaming her, and instead begin to celebrate and love her. You are actually very blessed to have her, whether or not you believe so right now.

You are being given the opportunity to foster the self-worth to be True; your reward is transcendence of the shame, guilt, and self-loathing you have felt, into a new light of inner peace, self-acceptance and tranquility. The choice is yours exclusively, only your heart can guide you to what feels right for you.

Love and blessings,
Michele Angelique

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Feeling Good is Your Birthright

Feeling good is your birthright, and no one can take that from you, in the name of love or otherwise. If you are not happy, you are not empowered to be the best you can be, not living a fulfilled existence, nor able to serve at your highest capacity. An unhappy person is less equipped to overflow with love, less apt to bring joy to others, less likely to excel in other areas of life. This is why your #1 priority in life is to feel good, to love yourself first, so you can fill your heart to the point where your love overflows to the benefit of everyone around you.

Only you can choose your thoughts, your responses, actions and ultimately, your feelings about any given circumstance. No one else can think for you, feel for you, sense for you. While you cannot control all that is brought into your life, you solely control how you choose to feel and react. Amidst a plethora of conflicting options and objectives, the main guiding force should be how you feel inside… follow your bliss, reach for joy, direct your energy to what feels good to your heart, always.

The more aligned you are with your true inner source, the more connected you feel with the abundant stream of well being that life has to offer. The farther away you have drifted from your authentic self, the less tapped-in you feel, the more vacant, void, disconnected. How you feel is a perfect indicator of whether or not any given path is leading in a direction that will please you when you get there. Pay attention to your emotional guidance, it is the eternal voice of wisdom within you.

Whatever makes you feel good, gives you a warm sense of comfort, brings you inner peace, or stimulates your evolution in a positive direction, is where your energy should be focused. Pursuit of joy in life is your responsibility to yourself. You are not in this life to suffer or be punished. Living in closeted misery, denying oneself of the right to joy, will not ensure the happiness of anyone else, either.

The more receptive and in-tune you are with the vast non-physical You, the more alive, more passionate, more authentic and more inspired that you feel. By allowing your true self to shine through while moving in the direction of your bliss, you claim your birthright to joy. It is from this place of connection to your inner light, that nothing stands between you and You.
With love and blessings,
Michele Angelique

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Why Do I Love Transwomen?

Because I am a natural born woman, I have been asked on more occasions than I can count, "why" do I care about transgender issues and "why" do I have so many friends in the online trans community, since I myself am not trans? I was born female, so "why" am I here online representing and supporting transgender women? My reasons are a combination of personal, social and spiritual. I'd like to write a little more about each of these areas, then expand in future blogs based on your interests.

Personal Reasons…

On a personal level, I am bisexual femme top so none other suits me as well as a bi-gendered male-to-female (M2F) transwoman. No other type of potential love partner is more attractive to me, particularly those who are comfortable with both sides of their gender.

For a male crossdressing en femme, it is often erotic, sensual and sexual, yet it goes even deeper because dressing allows his inner feminine to emerge from the heart of a man, invoking a feeling of relief and joy as she is able to breathe through her true self. To observe, participate, facilitate this emotional healing is blissful to me, satisfying and fulfilling beyond measure.

All my romantic/sexual inclinations are for M2F trans of all degrees from crossdresser, femboi, transvestite, bi-gendered, transgendered, transsexual – all males who respectfully cross the gender line are so beautiful in my eyes. Someone who can switch between male and female, or who embodies both at one time, is the ideal match for a bisexual woman like me. This intense attraction is the magnet that keeps me transfixed, despite that I myself am not trans, the love of my life certainly will be.

Social Reasons…

On a social level, it is from a strong feminist perspective that I support transwomen. I am someone who believes that feminine is of equal value to masculine, and it is healthy and normal for females to be masculine, or males to be feminine. Because I am a feminist, I admire the ideals of femininity, so it makes perfect sense to me that many humans aspire to the feminine, no matter whether they are anatomically female or male.

Society has a deep-seated underlying disregard for the feminine, which is why women and transwomen are not treated as equals to men. The gender imbalance is a social problem which has existed for millenniums. All feminine people, genetic women and transwomen, are on the same side of the movement toward true gender equality.

As a feminist, I love and revere the feminine, so I hold in most special regard those born male who have the strength to be feminine in this harsh and cruel world. Males who possess such an inner goddess essence that they choose to cross the gender divide and become one of us, are the ultimate feminists in my book. I urge all women, all feminists, to recognize and embrace transgender women as our true sisters.

Spiritual Reasons…

From a spiritual perspective, I believe the human soul is genderless. I believe our Higher Power is genderless. It is only in physical earthly form that we are bound to vessels which are gendered. In our angelic forms, we have the knowledge, wisdom and understanding of both feminine and masculine, in perfect balance and harmony.

I believe it is evolutionary for humans to transcend societal bondage of stereotypical polarities, in particular the illusion of binary gender. As we evolve as human beings, we get closer to our angelic forms, we find a growing inner knowing of both masculinity and femininity. People who cross the human-made gender construct are only following a natural course of soul evolution.

We as human beings are not meant to be caged by the artificial duality we have created for ourselves. The time has come to transcend the illusion and ascend into our most beautiful selves.

What Do You Think?

So you see, I have a number of reasons for loving transwomen. I could write so much more if you are interested. I would like to hear from you. Along which of these lines – personal, social or spiritual - should I expand? Has anything I've said inspired you, and how? Do you have comments, questions or requests?

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Embracing Your Gender Opposite

Woman or man, each human being is whole. We are all a compendium of many different forms of energy that interact to create a balanced person. To be human, therefore, is to be both gender specific (man or woman) and gender complemented (masculine and feminine). It may sound strange to say that in every person there exists both female and male aspects, but these aspects are tightly interwoven within each of us and learning to access these aspects can help you understand parts of yourself that were previously hidden by a lack of knowledge. Denying this unique polarity can lead to feelings of frustration and confusion, while embracing your gender opposite can bring about a sense of harmony and peace within your soul, a completeness.

It may seem natural to say that in women, the female aspect is dominant, and in men, the male aspect is dominant, but this isn't always the case, nor is it healthy to attempt to conform to such standards when they don't correspond to who you are. The innate gender aspects will be expressed in many different ways throughout your life. A man may be receptive, nurturing, and empathic in one instance, and analytical and heroic in another. Likewise, a woman may be protective, assertive, and directive, as often as she is intuitive, creative, and mysterious.

The male has his female side, just as the female has her male side, and either may be prevalent. Encouraging those aspects to work together through meditation or visualization is one way to honor both the masculine and feminine side of you. You may want to inwardly request that your aspects converse to determine if they are working as mature and bonded partners, or, because of emotional trauma, are working against each other.

Though the differences between the male and female aspects create a dynamic tension, it is possible for one aspect to entirely (and unhealthily) overshadow the other. Some people believe that the soul will be housed in bodies of both sexes during their many incarnations. Part of who we are is based on the interaction between the feminine and masculine aspects, akin to the interplay between the forces of yin and yang. Though, at different times, each of us may feel truly masculine or truly feminine, a well-rounded personality derives from the blending of both qualities.


Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Love is not always an easy thing to deal with. When we are in love with someone, we can feel as if the world is at our command. Then there are times when being in love can crush us with the weight of the world we once thought we could conquer.
Sometimes no matter how hard we try and sing each others song the melody is not the same and so eventually we stop singing. But love always seems to remain. I think it does because when we get close enough to someone, we cant help but to feel some sense of the wonder and beauty that belongs to the other. That is a glorious lesson and one that shows how uniquely wonderous each person is and how connected we all trully are.
The memory of how we gave what we had to another can only foster the deepest sentiment in us for what the other offered even after we stopped taking what gifts there were.
The duration of a love, is a mark in the history of another, a place in time where we can trully look back and know how much we grew as a result of the experience with that person. It becomes an indelible thing that makes up the rest of our lives even after we move on.

We may all have loved and lost, but we did make a song...a one of a kind melody that can be sung by no two people again.

For Michele and Aly


All of us know something about what it means to face what we are. There will always be a time when we can remember the bravery it took to express what is true about our experience especially at those times when we are completely alone doing it.
Sometimes we do so with an enormous amount of energy. But the "fight" to face all that we fear is won far easier with a gentile persuasion that comes from the fullest acceptance of not only our strengths but also an honest acknowledgement of our greatest weaknesses as well. Love your weakness the same that you would love what is glorious about you and what was once ugly and frail also becomes the fuel of what lifts you to greater awareness. On the other side of the token, deny what is glorious and you will stop dead in your tracks.

Embrace all that is you. Your darkest and brightest self. Fight or dismiss any aspect of what you are and you will fall and drift and float from one pain, to another, one numbing call to the next. Do not wince away from all that makes you uncomfortable.
Each time we fight what we fear, we block ourselves from the next level of evolvement and our consciousness stagnates, and thus we suffer the same tired something over and over again. This happens because we never come to terms with its cause, because to fight it is to deny it.
Take your fear by the hand, look at it, observe it, and breathe in the place where peace and chaos meet, and acknowledge its place in your experience and then turn to watch a certain harmony and grace make your next step. It is then we learn a divine truth, and return a great gift to humankind, because it is in our own personal enlightenment that we bring the greatest gifts to the world. Embrace the paradox that is you.