Thursday, November 02, 2006

Needful Beings




Allowing yourself to feel needful of your partner is simply an honest admission of your own fallability without becoming victim to it. While it is healthy to maintain a sense of personal independence, in this incarnation it is beneficial to allow one's self the company of another with whom they are compatible, not only physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. The secret is not perfect compatibility, but complimentary natures and perspectives.

Agreement in the essentials, not the details, is key. Those details which make up one's personal perspective on life's many complexities can actually become hindrances to communication within an intimate relationship, with the exception of a specifically agreed upon sharing, by the couple, of those details. In this particular instance it helps the couple to clarify and share those details within a open and non-judgemental environment they've established.

But, typically, on the emotional level, minor emotional inconsistencies do not need to be addressed at every turn, lest the overwhelming number of daily emotional adjustments create the illusion that the relationship is in turmoil. In fact, learning to navigate through the relative emotional minefield of an intimate relationship/partnership is a healthy habit to integrate, and will give each partner the ability to determine when the issue is truly something that needs to be addressed and when it just needs to be allowed it's time to play through. It is also beneficial in being able to determine when both partners are in syncronicity. This becomes very important in the sexual arena as well, since both must be able to express fully their desire for each other without inhibition.

The need for a single human being to communicate with another on an intimate level is often pervasive; yet, the human mind is infinitely complex in it's ability to compensate for such things as loneliness, pain, rejection, fear and other negative emotional responses which can derive from lost or poorly developed past relationships. Often times the building of emotional walls feels like the best solution against further harm, and the life one builds over time sheltered behind these barriers is solidified in the rationale for their continued existence.

Unfortunately, these same walls serve as a sometimes impenetrable defense against the intrusion of another in one's life, even when overtures are made of opening up to the other person. Unlike the physical walls we build around property, though, the walls we build within are living, emotional entities, parasitic by nature, yet capable of communication with their creator...the one who harbors them. They wish to exist as much as you or I, and will fight to maintain their place of importance, even to the eventual detriment of the person in which they reside.

The longer one maintains these defenses - insisting upon a life of singularity and solitary independence while opening intermittently to release the innate emotional desire for the company of another, but shutting the doors soon after such needs are satisfied - the more difficult it becomes for that person to progress into a committed relationship with another person.

Very few are willing, or equipped, for that matter, to attempt to navigate the difficulties presented by the walls which exist in their prospective partner. No matter how much love may have developed between the couple, the one who is so guarded will be inherently difficult to accommodate during the course of the developing relationship. The level of independence can be so high that the other partner will, no doubt, feel insignificant in the eyes of the one they love and begin to lose perspective on their role in the relationship itself.

It is imperative that the partner who is attempting to accommodate this behavior be self-contained. By this, I mean that they must be of the mind that their happiness cannot be dependent on such factors as the well-being of the relationship, the attention level of their partner, or any amount of satisfaction they are recieving within that same context. Their happiness must derive from within themselves in order to maintain stability in their own heart.

It is in this arena that the idea of need is most often misconstrued. Just as the "independent" partner often feels as if needing someone is an admission of personal weakness, so the stable partner is often stifled from expressing their need for fear of being percieved by their partner as someone who is co-dependent.

In truth, real, honest need is expressed in the understanding that a partner can be a grounding factor in one's life. They are a positive emotional outlet, a complimentary voice to your own, an honest opinion, a furtherance of your own perspective, and a source of light and hope during the difficult times we all face from time to time. They enhance our identity without becoming the sole expression of it; challenge us to grow beyond our singular experiential perspectives; offer us an often much needed sense of belonging.

~Alysyn Ayrica

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